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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 617880" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. Are you positive that he is only smoking pot? It doesn't really matter and here's why.</p><p></p><p>He is legally an adult which means the only power you have is your own power over yourself. Does he pay rent, help around the house, treat you with respect? We already know he refuses to follow your rules in your house (no, it is not his house too; it is your house).</p><p></p><p>Most of us have been in your shoes and we have learned to detach, but that is a learning process as we see our children turning into strangers, criminals, assaulting us both with words and sometimes physically, putting us in danger by, say, having illegal drugs in our house. We can be arrested for that. Is he stealing? Did he recently change his friends?</p><p></p><p>Because of his attitude about rehab right now, you are correct. Your only option is to change your attitude toward him, and that often means we have to lay down strict rules that can not be crossed and when they are, we have to be very, very strong and do what we told our adult child we would do. Usually our kids are resourceful and find places to couch surf. Often they are infuriated that we dared to take care of ourselves and not let them get their way, even that meant helping them self-destruct. I have no idea w hat sort of job your son has, but he is unlikely to achieve beyond what he is doing now if he is high all the time. He could even be arrested.</p><p></p><p>A first step could be that if he smokes pot in your house or is disrespectful to you or refuses to pay rent or do chores, you cut off anything you are paying for. If he has a job, at his age, he is living mostly by your good graces and should pay for his own toys anyway. It teaches them responsibility. He is not in college so there is no reason for him not to pick up his own bills. Does he use your car? Do you pay for his insurance? Most of us were rather lax for most of our adult child's life and we do everything we can for them and get kicked for it. They stop respecting us at all.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the Rules of Detachment so that you can learn to stay out of your son's drama and resist the urge to control him with threats or long talks or shouting matches. You need to learn to be good to a very important person...YOU. You can control if your son has to pack his bags, but you can't force him to go to rehab, especially if he thinks he is doing swell. You can avoid conflict by refusing to set boundaries, but you will be unhappy that you are being used as a doormat. And your son won't care any more for you than if you'd set limits on him. The only person in the entire world you have control over is yourself. You can't make him act loving toward you again. Usually once they are using drugs they are only loving (and this is unfailingly loving) when they need something from us!</p><p></p><p>No matter what you decide to do, and it is a personal decision, always let him know the door is open if he wants to get help, but that this is unacceptable (if it is unacceptable to you) and tell him what you are planning to do about his self-destructive behavior. Enabling kids to self-destruct is not in my opinion a good choice. Sometimes it takes tough love.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Been there. Have the t-shirt. Welcome to our board, but sorry you had to come.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 617880, member: 1550"] Hi. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. Are you positive that he is only smoking pot? It doesn't really matter and here's why. He is legally an adult which means the only power you have is your own power over yourself. Does he pay rent, help around the house, treat you with respect? We already know he refuses to follow your rules in your house (no, it is not his house too; it is your house). Most of us have been in your shoes and we have learned to detach, but that is a learning process as we see our children turning into strangers, criminals, assaulting us both with words and sometimes physically, putting us in danger by, say, having illegal drugs in our house. We can be arrested for that. Is he stealing? Did he recently change his friends? Because of his attitude about rehab right now, you are correct. Your only option is to change your attitude toward him, and that often means we have to lay down strict rules that can not be crossed and when they are, we have to be very, very strong and do what we told our adult child we would do. Usually our kids are resourceful and find places to couch surf. Often they are infuriated that we dared to take care of ourselves and not let them get their way, even that meant helping them self-destruct. I have no idea w hat sort of job your son has, but he is unlikely to achieve beyond what he is doing now if he is high all the time. He could even be arrested. A first step could be that if he smokes pot in your house or is disrespectful to you or refuses to pay rent or do chores, you cut off anything you are paying for. If he has a job, at his age, he is living mostly by your good graces and should pay for his own toys anyway. It teaches them responsibility. He is not in college so there is no reason for him not to pick up his own bills. Does he use your car? Do you pay for his insurance? Most of us were rather lax for most of our adult child's life and we do everything we can for them and get kicked for it. They stop respecting us at all. You may want to read the Rules of Detachment so that you can learn to stay out of your son's drama and resist the urge to control him with threats or long talks or shouting matches. You need to learn to be good to a very important person...YOU. You can control if your son has to pack his bags, but you can't force him to go to rehab, especially if he thinks he is doing swell. You can avoid conflict by refusing to set boundaries, but you will be unhappy that you are being used as a doormat. And your son won't care any more for you than if you'd set limits on him. The only person in the entire world you have control over is yourself. You can't make him act loving toward you again. Usually once they are using drugs they are only loving (and this is unfailingly loving) when they need something from us! No matter what you decide to do, and it is a personal decision, always let him know the door is open if he wants to get help, but that this is unacceptable (if it is unacceptable to you) and tell him what you are planning to do about his self-destructive behavior. Enabling kids to self-destruct is not in my opinion a good choice. Sometimes it takes tough love. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Been there. Have the t-shirt. Welcome to our board, but sorry you had to come. [/QUOTE]
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