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Helping an unsettled difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 172844" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>With thank you, the hardest part is to get him to talk, to acknowledge that he is being antsy and provacative, and to get past those surface signs to whatever is really going on. It's usually easier if he has my complete undivided attention but even then it can be like pulling teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Once I can get him to start talking about whatever, I do try very hard not to be judgmental (Andy, this isn't a criticism at all - I think it may have more to do with the fact that we're in a different place age-wise with our kids and here we're trying very hard to prepare all of us for thank you's imminent "independence" - what Momma says doesn't necessarily go anymore). thank you's problems are usually pretty superficial sounding but his perception is so skewed that he really focuses in on them and they become the center of his thought processes. I can't tell you if it's working but I try *really* hard to use a problem solving method. For example:</p><p> </p><p>He's going to run away. Ok. Where will he live? On the streets, in a cardboard box. (Seriously, we've had this conversation.) How will he eat? He'll go through dumpsters. How will he get medications? He won't take medications. How will that help his quality of life? He doesn't care about quality of life. Hmm.... great silent pondering on my part now, mainly because I've got him talking *and* thinking and I want him to continue. </p><p> </p><p>Finally I ask why he's going to run away. The list is long but for example, peers are really "bugging" him. Really? I'm surprised because just last week he went to ABC with XYZ. How are they bugging him? Long laundry list of real and/or imagined slights (again, his perception is a real problem). So then we take each issue, look at what he could have done differently, look at how his peer may have interpreted it (he is living with a house full of difficult children), see what could be done to avoid the situation in the future, etc. </p><p> </p><p>We've walked through this problem solving scenario more times than I can count. He's getting better at processing it (if in the mood) but still pretty bad at implementing it in the moment. But I think it's really important to walk him thru the whole process - antsiness/provocation is really a veil over the fact that something is bugging him, he has to sit down and really identify the issue rather than avoid dealing with it by causing chaos, and then he has to walk through all the potential solutions - and I mean walk *all* the way through, i.e. where does he go to the bathroom in his cardboard box? What about when it snows?</p><p> </p><p>It is a real intellectual exercise for him and it's made more difficult when he adamantly refuses to admit he really does care about his quality of life. The problem solving is hard but the follow through is even harder. But I think/hope that if we can walk him through it enough, *maybe* someday he can start doing some of it on his own.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 172844, member: 8"] With thank you, the hardest part is to get him to talk, to acknowledge that he is being antsy and provacative, and to get past those surface signs to whatever is really going on. It's usually easier if he has my complete undivided attention but even then it can be like pulling teeth. Once I can get him to start talking about whatever, I do try very hard not to be judgmental (Andy, this isn't a criticism at all - I think it may have more to do with the fact that we're in a different place age-wise with our kids and here we're trying very hard to prepare all of us for thank you's imminent "independence" - what Momma says doesn't necessarily go anymore). thank you's problems are usually pretty superficial sounding but his perception is so skewed that he really focuses in on them and they become the center of his thought processes. I can't tell you if it's working but I try *really* hard to use a problem solving method. For example: He's going to run away. Ok. Where will he live? On the streets, in a cardboard box. (Seriously, we've had this conversation.) How will he eat? He'll go through dumpsters. How will he get medications? He won't take medications. How will that help his quality of life? He doesn't care about quality of life. Hmm.... great silent pondering on my part now, mainly because I've got him talking *and* thinking and I want him to continue. Finally I ask why he's going to run away. The list is long but for example, peers are really "bugging" him. Really? I'm surprised because just last week he went to ABC with XYZ. How are they bugging him? Long laundry list of real and/or imagined slights (again, his perception is a real problem). So then we take each issue, look at what he could have done differently, look at how his peer may have interpreted it (he is living with a house full of difficult children), see what could be done to avoid the situation in the future, etc. We've walked through this problem solving scenario more times than I can count. He's getting better at processing it (if in the mood) but still pretty bad at implementing it in the moment. But I think it's really important to walk him thru the whole process - antsiness/provocation is really a veil over the fact that something is bugging him, he has to sit down and really identify the issue rather than avoid dealing with it by causing chaos, and then he has to walk through all the potential solutions - and I mean walk *all* the way through, i.e. where does he go to the bathroom in his cardboard box? What about when it snows? It is a real intellectual exercise for him and it's made more difficult when he adamantly refuses to admit he really does care about his quality of life. The problem solving is hard but the follow through is even harder. But I think/hope that if we can walk him through it enough, *maybe* someday he can start doing some of it on his own. [/QUOTE]
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