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General Parenting
Helping vs Enabling - Now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="stressbunny" data-source="post: 612744"><p>JT got the job, and it pays over $17/hour, which is great for him. But it still doesn't completely solve the immediate problem that he is 100% broke and homeless. And, it is very hard to live with his stubborn and defiant choices. His grandparents will allow him to stay this weekend. He starts the job after Thanksgiving. So the time between now and when he gets a paycheck or two are the issue.</p><p></p><p>MWM, he is not using drugs, which seems like a good thing, except that his behavior cannot be explained by the use of substances (has been smoking cigarettes from time to time, though). This leaves me feeling less hopeful about a change in his behavior. He has always been this way - super stubborn and independent, egotistical and narcissistic, and low-empathy, to top it all off. What you said about his homelessness being his own choice was helpful to me. I need to frame it that way in my mind, because it's true. If I'm wrong about his substance use (don't think I am), it will show up on the employment drug test he took today.</p><p></p><p>JT is extremely smart and gifted with mechanical stuff, not to mention physically fit and strong. There is no reason he cannot get a job if he doesn't want to go to college or train for anything. He just completely, completely lacks responsibility and self-motivation to persist with things. Work is just so much . . . . work, I guess.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, after all of these years of living with JT, I believe his problems are neurological in nature. He lacks the ability to regulate himself and thus, do what is expected of him in life situations. This is a significant deficit, as it's a necessary ability in order to achieve and maintain employment or education, relationships, and financial responsibility, etc. He has poor cause-and-effect thinking, and he also has a severely inflated sense of self. He truly believes he is smarter and better than others, even people who are older and that he should respect. Someone posted about the concept of rank, and how difficult children don't get it. Well, that's JT too. If he fails at this job, I'm sure it will most likely be due to the fact that he can't take direction. He already KNOWS everything. And even when he's wrong, he's still right. It's maddening, really. People get exasperated with him, or irritated at his constant bragging and monologues about himself and his grand abilities. He only respects himself and his own rules, which are different than the rules he applies to others. JT has low empathy. His concept of how he is affecting others is non-existent. And, he doesn't care. He is number one. He has narcissistic traits.</p><p></p><p>Recovering, I definitely do not want to pay any more for his bad decisions. We have already lost thousands of dollars over the past year because he flunked out of college and hasn't held any real jobs either. It's ridiculous. And, I'm SO exhausted by this constant drama. husband and I will be talking about the options for JT this weekend. The problem is that we already said that enough is enough this fall and that we were done paying for his life. And now . . . with this job, it seems he truly needs the help or he won't be able to keep the job. I don't want to help him any more, but yet, it's hard to believe he would go so long without having a real job. Why does he never seem to hit the proverbial bottom? He just keeps adjusting to his new and lower circumstances.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="stressbunny, post: 612744"] JT got the job, and it pays over $17/hour, which is great for him. But it still doesn't completely solve the immediate problem that he is 100% broke and homeless. And, it is very hard to live with his stubborn and defiant choices. His grandparents will allow him to stay this weekend. He starts the job after Thanksgiving. So the time between now and when he gets a paycheck or two are the issue. MWM, he is not using drugs, which seems like a good thing, except that his behavior cannot be explained by the use of substances (has been smoking cigarettes from time to time, though). This leaves me feeling less hopeful about a change in his behavior. He has always been this way - super stubborn and independent, egotistical and narcissistic, and low-empathy, to top it all off. What you said about his homelessness being his own choice was helpful to me. I need to frame it that way in my mind, because it's true. If I'm wrong about his substance use (don't think I am), it will show up on the employment drug test he took today. JT is extremely smart and gifted with mechanical stuff, not to mention physically fit and strong. There is no reason he cannot get a job if he doesn't want to go to college or train for anything. He just completely, completely lacks responsibility and self-motivation to persist with things. Work is just so much . . . . work, I guess. Cedar, after all of these years of living with JT, I believe his problems are neurological in nature. He lacks the ability to regulate himself and thus, do what is expected of him in life situations. This is a significant deficit, as it's a necessary ability in order to achieve and maintain employment or education, relationships, and financial responsibility, etc. He has poor cause-and-effect thinking, and he also has a severely inflated sense of self. He truly believes he is smarter and better than others, even people who are older and that he should respect. Someone posted about the concept of rank, and how difficult children don't get it. Well, that's JT too. If he fails at this job, I'm sure it will most likely be due to the fact that he can't take direction. He already KNOWS everything. And even when he's wrong, he's still right. It's maddening, really. People get exasperated with him, or irritated at his constant bragging and monologues about himself and his grand abilities. He only respects himself and his own rules, which are different than the rules he applies to others. JT has low empathy. His concept of how he is affecting others is non-existent. And, he doesn't care. He is number one. He has narcissistic traits. Recovering, I definitely do not want to pay any more for his bad decisions. We have already lost thousands of dollars over the past year because he flunked out of college and hasn't held any real jobs either. It's ridiculous. And, I'm SO exhausted by this constant drama. husband and I will be talking about the options for JT this weekend. The problem is that we already said that enough is enough this fall and that we were done paying for his life. And now . . . with this job, it seems he truly needs the help or he won't be able to keep the job. I don't want to help him any more, but yet, it's hard to believe he would go so long without having a real job. Why does he never seem to hit the proverbial bottom? He just keeps adjusting to his new and lower circumstances. [/QUOTE]
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