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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 751127" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Hi Terry and Welcome,</p><p></p><p>My gosh, reading your post has given me strength to stay on the path to not enabling that I was struggling with this morning after a phone call from my 30 yr. old homeless son at 8:00 am. (I have a 26 yr. old homeless son who for the moment is couch surfing). He is to put it lightly, verbally abusive towards me when I don't give him what he wants. I've done all those things like, pay security deposits, pay rent, pay for food, pay for gas, buy used cars etc. etc. always thinking that this one next thing I do was going to be the frosting on the cake. That he was going to see the light, get his life in order and become responsible. Unfortunately, this pattern he has of sporadically working and blaming the world and me and his father for his inability to function in society has been going on for ten years or more. </p><p></p><p>He has recently said something to me that was "my bottom" so to speak. I blocked him on my cell phone but he'd still get thru with e-mails to my work. Still over the last few weeks his e-mails were horrible to say the least. He finally got a job a few weeks ago and has told me he's not getting paid until the 29th. I recently stopped gassing his vehicle up every four days and so it does pain me as the nights get chillier around here in New England but I'm trying to work through that. This morning he called my work and told me where he's working, it's a food type place and his cloths are getting all dirty. Could I wash them for him until he gets paid this week? It was not easy for me but I just told him, sorry I can't help you. He pleaded a little more and I prayed to God for strength and I made it through. </p><p></p><p>It would be so easy for me to pick up the laundry and take care of it so he can look presentable at this job. But the reality is he will lose this job on his own accord if he doesn't show up on time and do the tasks at hand responsibly. In the past, I would have run to his rescue then when I'd get there for some small item like this, there would be other requests. These requests in and of themselves are not always extravagent but HE has to be the one to step up even with all the discomforts he's facing now because of the consequences of his actions and poor choices.</p><p></p><p>I'm telling you it was easier detaching when I didn't speak to him for a few weeks,but I am remaining strong. I have to remember this is how he always goes about it. He's intermittently "nice" when I give him money, gas, food, wash his cloths etc. BUT the minute I don't help he is like the devil himself, threatening me physically. He has already once vandalized my 1 yr. old vehicle (this year) by keying it from anger because he thought I purposely locked the car doors so he couldn't get his clean laundry. </p><p></p><p>By reading your post it just reminds me that if I don't stay firm I will be doing this until he's 40-50 etc. I have devoured every book I can to help me to get stronger. Try reading some books by Melody Beattie on enabling. For me connecting what God wants for me along with focusing on me was only the only way I began to heal.</p><p></p><p>I kept thinking that taking care of myself was selfish. A lot of bad self-talk put me in that mind-set so I suppose it's going to take a while to get better. But I'm on my way.</p><p></p><p>What I have learned, for myself, is that none of my detaching and stopping the enabling comes from willpower. Yes, there is self-determination to want to stop feeling the weight of it all on my shoulders but in my eyes, my recovery from all of this has been by God's grace.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. It is therapeutic. You will grow stronger but be patient with yourself and if you slip back, just don't stay there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 751127, member: 23405"] Hi Terry and Welcome, My gosh, reading your post has given me strength to stay on the path to not enabling that I was struggling with this morning after a phone call from my 30 yr. old homeless son at 8:00 am. (I have a 26 yr. old homeless son who for the moment is couch surfing). He is to put it lightly, verbally abusive towards me when I don't give him what he wants. I've done all those things like, pay security deposits, pay rent, pay for food, pay for gas, buy used cars etc. etc. always thinking that this one next thing I do was going to be the frosting on the cake. That he was going to see the light, get his life in order and become responsible. Unfortunately, this pattern he has of sporadically working and blaming the world and me and his father for his inability to function in society has been going on for ten years or more. He has recently said something to me that was "my bottom" so to speak. I blocked him on my cell phone but he'd still get thru with e-mails to my work. Still over the last few weeks his e-mails were horrible to say the least. He finally got a job a few weeks ago and has told me he's not getting paid until the 29th. I recently stopped gassing his vehicle up every four days and so it does pain me as the nights get chillier around here in New England but I'm trying to work through that. This morning he called my work and told me where he's working, it's a food type place and his cloths are getting all dirty. Could I wash them for him until he gets paid this week? It was not easy for me but I just told him, sorry I can't help you. He pleaded a little more and I prayed to God for strength and I made it through. It would be so easy for me to pick up the laundry and take care of it so he can look presentable at this job. But the reality is he will lose this job on his own accord if he doesn't show up on time and do the tasks at hand responsibly. In the past, I would have run to his rescue then when I'd get there for some small item like this, there would be other requests. These requests in and of themselves are not always extravagent but HE has to be the one to step up even with all the discomforts he's facing now because of the consequences of his actions and poor choices. I'm telling you it was easier detaching when I didn't speak to him for a few weeks,but I am remaining strong. I have to remember this is how he always goes about it. He's intermittently "nice" when I give him money, gas, food, wash his cloths etc. BUT the minute I don't help he is like the devil himself, threatening me physically. He has already once vandalized my 1 yr. old vehicle (this year) by keying it from anger because he thought I purposely locked the car doors so he couldn't get his clean laundry. By reading your post it just reminds me that if I don't stay firm I will be doing this until he's 40-50 etc. I have devoured every book I can to help me to get stronger. Try reading some books by Melody Beattie on enabling. For me connecting what God wants for me along with focusing on me was only the only way I began to heal. I kept thinking that taking care of myself was selfish. A lot of bad self-talk put me in that mind-set so I suppose it's going to take a while to get better. But I'm on my way. What I have learned, for myself, is that none of my detaching and stopping the enabling comes from willpower. Yes, there is self-determination to want to stop feeling the weight of it all on my shoulders but in my eyes, my recovery from all of this has been by God's grace. Keep posting. It is therapeutic. You will grow stronger but be patient with yourself and if you slip back, just don't stay there. [/QUOTE]
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