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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 751138" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>Every time we do something for someone that they could do for themselves , we strip a little bit of their dignity away from them. While wanting to help, we are diminishing their self-esteem. The message they get is "you are incapable". </p><p></p><p>True help is to do something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. Everything else is enabling . And the person at the receiving end while seemingly grateful in the instant they get the hand out, resents us for it and disrespects us because we do not show self respect and also disrespect them by teaching helplessness rather than empowerment. </p><p></p><p>I am guilty of it .Helped my son through school with class selections, helping to find work, cleaning his room when he would not. I recently stopped all of it, and he is stepping up now : looking for work, started therapy, trying anti depressant medications again, looking into the exams for grad school, cleaning his room once a month (when prompted : it is my house) , complying with requests for chores around the house like mowing, and participating in cleaning when asked . I no longer ask any questions about work or school. I don't let him use my vehicle but will give him a ride when he asks, I don't step into his room at all, and i stay mostly quiet in conversation since anything I say can trigger an argument .I am happy to have him home for the time being and provide food. I cook a few times a week and leave it on the stove top and family members can help themselves to it when and if they want . When he gets a job, he will pay me rent and we have already had that conversation. When he gets a job, he will also be able to buy my Father's car and have his own transportation, so that is his incentive for getting something going .</p><p></p><p>I treat him like a roommate, mostly, with the exception that house rules are not decided together , but by me since I own the home and he does not.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 751138, member: 24254"] Every time we do something for someone that they could do for themselves , we strip a little bit of their dignity away from them. While wanting to help, we are diminishing their self-esteem. The message they get is "you are incapable". True help is to do something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. Everything else is enabling . And the person at the receiving end while seemingly grateful in the instant they get the hand out, resents us for it and disrespects us because we do not show self respect and also disrespect them by teaching helplessness rather than empowerment. I am guilty of it .Helped my son through school with class selections, helping to find work, cleaning his room when he would not. I recently stopped all of it, and he is stepping up now : looking for work, started therapy, trying anti depressant medications again, looking into the exams for grad school, cleaning his room once a month (when prompted : it is my house) , complying with requests for chores around the house like mowing, and participating in cleaning when asked . I no longer ask any questions about work or school. I don't let him use my vehicle but will give him a ride when he asks, I don't step into his room at all, and i stay mostly quiet in conversation since anything I say can trigger an argument .I am happy to have him home for the time being and provide food. I cook a few times a week and leave it on the stove top and family members can help themselves to it when and if they want . When he gets a job, he will pay me rent and we have already had that conversation. When he gets a job, he will also be able to buy my Father's car and have his own transportation, so that is his incentive for getting something going . I treat him like a roommate, mostly, with the exception that house rules are not decided together , but by me since I own the home and he does not. [/QUOTE]
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