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Her idea of an apology.... am I wrong?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 468294" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Only you can choose whether you can put up with her koi or not. That was not an apology but was the closest to one you are ever going to get from her. She is what she is and you can't change that. Even setting up strict ground rules won't work, because rules don't apply to HER. </p><p></p><p>She is what she is. You have to decide what you can accept and what you can't.</p><p></p><p>What I suggest - re-open contact, but be prepared to hang up or leave when she gets on your case. Tell her ahead of time (each time if necessary) what the strategy is. </p><p></p><p>If she doesn't believe you, that is her problem, not yours. But she does have to shut up especially in front of the kids. They deserve better, they need to learn that respect is important and begins with self-respect.</p><p></p><p>We have had this problem with mother in law to a certain extent. As she gets older she at times behaves as if she deserves all respect unconditionally because she is the elder and it is an elder's right to be respected no matter how they behave or what they say. We have also caught mother in law (and sis-in-law sometimes when she visits) trying to 'handle' difficult child 3 behind our backs and then getting upset when he explodes (as we knew he would if he was mishandled). I think the idea was, to try to do what they KNOW we should do but we NEVER take their advice, and present us with the perfect child manufactured from their wisdom.</p><p></p><p>Too many cooks interfering in your methods of raising your kids, can lead to problems, conflict and a vicious circle of "I don't understand why you won't listen when I tell you what you are doing wrong with your kids."</p><p></p><p>Being prepared to walk away and also avoiding being in a situation where you )or the child) cannot walk away, could be the best way to walk this tightrope.</p><p></p><p>On a related issue - one of my sisters has her son and his family live on another house on her property. They are a stone's throw from my sister who sees a lot of the family. I remember my sister talking to me about her concerns, her daughter in law is too lax with the kids, lets them do what they want, spoils them rotten, doesn't intervene or try to identify possible learning problems etc. My sister is a sensible, loving woman but I've seen a lot of those kids this year and they are also a bit older now. They are lovely kids, really nice. Loving, caring, well-behaved. Whatever my sister saw is not an issue now. Yes, the kids do sometimes go skinny-dipping in my sister's swimming pool and need to remember to ask permission and make sure grandma doesn't have company over. But the oldest is 11, the youngest is 3. </p><p>What I'm trying to say - sometimes grandparents see the problems as a lot bigger than they really are, and also feel powerless because they never got the hang of letting go. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 468294, member: 1991"] Only you can choose whether you can put up with her koi or not. That was not an apology but was the closest to one you are ever going to get from her. She is what she is and you can't change that. Even setting up strict ground rules won't work, because rules don't apply to HER. She is what she is. You have to decide what you can accept and what you can't. What I suggest - re-open contact, but be prepared to hang up or leave when she gets on your case. Tell her ahead of time (each time if necessary) what the strategy is. If she doesn't believe you, that is her problem, not yours. But she does have to shut up especially in front of the kids. They deserve better, they need to learn that respect is important and begins with self-respect. We have had this problem with mother in law to a certain extent. As she gets older she at times behaves as if she deserves all respect unconditionally because she is the elder and it is an elder's right to be respected no matter how they behave or what they say. We have also caught mother in law (and sis-in-law sometimes when she visits) trying to 'handle' difficult child 3 behind our backs and then getting upset when he explodes (as we knew he would if he was mishandled). I think the idea was, to try to do what they KNOW we should do but we NEVER take their advice, and present us with the perfect child manufactured from their wisdom. Too many cooks interfering in your methods of raising your kids, can lead to problems, conflict and a vicious circle of "I don't understand why you won't listen when I tell you what you are doing wrong with your kids." Being prepared to walk away and also avoiding being in a situation where you )or the child) cannot walk away, could be the best way to walk this tightrope. On a related issue - one of my sisters has her son and his family live on another house on her property. They are a stone's throw from my sister who sees a lot of the family. I remember my sister talking to me about her concerns, her daughter in law is too lax with the kids, lets them do what they want, spoils them rotten, doesn't intervene or try to identify possible learning problems etc. My sister is a sensible, loving woman but I've seen a lot of those kids this year and they are also a bit older now. They are lovely kids, really nice. Loving, caring, well-behaved. Whatever my sister saw is not an issue now. Yes, the kids do sometimes go skinny-dipping in my sister's swimming pool and need to remember to ask permission and make sure grandma doesn't have company over. But the oldest is 11, the youngest is 3. What I'm trying to say - sometimes grandparents see the problems as a lot bigger than they really are, and also feel powerless because they never got the hang of letting go. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Her idea of an apology.... am I wrong?
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