Her life is changing...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Aug 22, 2007.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I tried to write this one before, but somehow I hit the “back” button and it disappeared. L finally got a real job this month. She is working as the administrative assistant to a VP of a communications firm. So, of course, she went shopping for new shoes and clothes before she started. This is a girl who has been living off of people, including her boyfriend, for her entire life. Other than about two weeks when we had her leave here two summers ago, she has never lived alone. Even then it was an upstairs room in a house near her dad’s. Dad wasn’t letting her live with him again then, or now. He does have her do work at his office for about $20 an hour. But it’s occasional. I’m not sure how it is that she ended up back at her boyfriend’s house at that time.

    boyfriend and she couldn’t be more different. But he had money and cars and a house and vacations and boats and it suited her desired lifestyle. He is a 36 year old Christian Republican Sportsman who has worked at the same job as a finance manager for a new car dealership for 10 years. She is a 24 year old Jewish Democrat party girl with no credit (unless you count bad debts) who has never had a real job, let alone one for more than a month or two.

    Two and a half years ago he asked her to leave when he sold his house. She moved in with us and we told her to get work and get a place of her own. She stayed with us about 6 months and became a bartender (from time to time). She ended up in his townhouse within a month. He bought a new house last winter, and she moved along with him. He does this from time to time and it’s more about investments and “flipping” than making a home. Although he never said anything, I assumed that it meant that he was considering something more permanent. But honestly, they never seemed close. At least one night a week when he was off he spent that time with his friend B who lives about 40 miles away. L and B do not get along. All boyfriend’s Mexican and Hawaiian vacations save one to Hawaii this spring were taken with B. I really thought it might mean something that she went with him, but he made her pay her own way. Her dad bought her ticket for her birthday, and gave her work enough that she could pay for the other half.

    So, of course, her first paycheck she bought more shoes and a purse. Then she nagged him out of his credit card number with an excuse about her debit card being in his pocket and needing to special order shoes to replace the ones that she bought the week before at Nordstrom. But she also got Nordstrom to give her cash back on two pair she was returning, with which she bought the purse and other shoes. This was on a Sunday, and I know he was not happy about the credit card thing, I assume he asked her to pay him back and she had no money because she spent it on shoes. I was there with her. Wednesday he told her she needed to leave. She didn’t give me any details, but regardless of what she thinks, I actually am not an idiot and have eyes to see.

    She told me that she was thinking about moving in with a pediatrician/pseudo-psychiatrist (licensed but not a member of the AMA) friend of her dad’s who was instrumental on his side in giving false testimony against me during every single custody/visitation hearing when she was young. This lady comes in and out of L’s life and acts as a mother figure to her, which is clearly inappropriate and unneeded. I wasn’t happy about that, but knew it would turn out badly, so thought what the heck. Today she sent an e-mail with some apartment listings, so I guess the other idea didn’t work out. It sounded pretty unrealistic to me, in any case. When she was with her previous boyfriend, she bogued out on cable and electric bills, so she can’t get a regular apartment, and refused to pay the bills over these past four years because “He said he’d pay half, so I’m not going to pay it.” Sometimes things (like logic) :censored2:, huh?

    I don’t know if she has any of her household goods that I got her before. I don’t know if she’ll stay anyplace long enough for it to matter. She says she doesn't want a lease, but month to month rent. She’s already been on some dates and guys are calling her, (while she’s still living with boyfriend until she finds a place!) :cry: but I know she’s upset about where she will go. I won’t sign for anything or put my name on anything, but I would help her set up house. Once.

    I sent her a card last week and told her that she was smart and sweet and talented and I love her. I also told her that she needed to take this time to figure out a goal for herself and go for it. I told her if she would set a goal and work on it she would accomplish it and it would make her feel better about herself and that is how you find happiness in life. Then she can find happiness with someone else, too. She called and told me I was sweet to say so and that she would do that. (That was when she told me she was going to move in with Dad’s doctor friend who has a “nice house and is never home and she could counsel me when I’m upset.")

    I hope she will find a place of her own and stay there for a while. She was seeing a therapist and on Welbutrin for a while. I hope she will go back and continue to work on her life. It’s hard to know what to do. I guess I’ll just wait until she asks for help and deal with that when the time comes...
  2. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    You know Witz I for the life of me don't understand the lifestyle of living here and there with whoever has a free space that comes with not a lot of hassel and some free perks and doing that on a continuous basis. That would stress me out big time.

    I hope the job works out for her and she grows to love being the master of her own universe. :smile:

  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    When my parents would say "I just want you to be happy", I always thought "no you don't, you just disapprove!" I see now that it was probably a bit of both, but more of the former. I just want her to be happy and safe and self reliant. I can see that she isn't going to get there by looking outside of herself.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You know, I wonder if difficult child might not be good at social planning? And it might be something she would find fun and exciting, while able to make a living. Has she ever thought along those lines? Keeps her in with the crowd she likes to be with, too.

    Personally, I'd find her lifestyle exhausting. :frown:

    Hopefully she can find something as a goal she'll enjoy reaching for. I know this has got to be frustrating for you.

  5. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I never could sit home and do nothing all day. I got so bored. I just don't see how these kiddos haven't worked and figured out things.

    I don't think I'll ever understand how one can buy lots of designer stuff when the bills aren't paid.

    This generation scares me.
  6. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Witz it seems like she is just floating...riding on the clouds of other's accomplishments.

    True happiness ( I think ) comes from the satisfaction of working toward your goal and obtaining it.

    It is true that you can't find happiness in someone else unless you are happy with yourself.

    Would she listen to you if you made suggestions toward her setting a goal for herself? Maybe going thru a list of trades that would interest her?

    Just throwing out thoughts

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I have to admit, I am glad that many of us are posting about detaching ideas right now. It helps me to stay out of it. Thank god I can speak my mind here.

    L's Aunt on her dad's side could help her get a job social planning. She's president of a company that does that type of thing for all the best hotels. But she knows L well enough to not offer.

    I honestly don't think she would listen to any suggestions I might have. While she gets it that husband and I have a nice life, she doesn't get that it's because we work at it. I don't just mean that we have a nice home and vacations and decent cars and good credit. She doesn't respect how hard it is to be happy with myself in spite of all the garbage her dad dished out, and that keeping a good marriage together doesn't happen by chance.

    She says things that I know come from her dad's mouth. It's patronizing and demeaning. He's got 3 or 4 girlfriends at a time that he is stringing along like an audition to see which one he wants to bring to his 50th birthday bash, and he and L both start talking about how "it's so cute" that husband and I are still affectionate after 23 years. He tells her and me that "other than your (Witzend's) relationship with your (WE's) family, you're way more happy and well adjusted than I (spermdonor) am" Then she repeats it word for word. "My dad really respects you. He said that other than your relationship with your family..." Let me tell you something, even including my relationship with my family I'm way more well adjusted and happy than he is!

    I swear to God y'all. One day maybe she'll ask for my advice. And that day I'll offer it to her. Until then the best I can do is "set a goal and you'll achieve it"; "you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else." All the truisms.