Here come bad feelings

[klmno]

I was cleaning difficult child's room tonight- I had planned to just clean it to get it "homey" and comfy. But after raking (literally) under his bed and scrubbing sticky dried soda or something off his night table and after cutting myself on a nice neon lamp I had gotten in MB and he had broken within one week- I'm not feeling quite so generous anymore. I'm going to do the minimum and he can do the rest. I felt so many feelings of resentment come back. I'm so sick and tired of peopple acting like this all happened because of how I raised him- must be- never mind that they all disagree on exactly how. The child would go wild- if I did something to address it, I was too controlling. If I tried to let it ride or address it from a mental health standpoint, I wasn't doing enough to keep him under control. There's the neighborhood's view, the sd's view, the legal authority's view, the ment health prof's view, the extended family's view. And of course, difficult child and my views.

You know I mentioned before about this horrible area on his wall that I was going to cover with posters so he wouldn't have to confront it right off the batt? Well, it's in the shape of an upside down L. It would take 2 posters to cover it. I had bought 2 but was going to return the GAGa one. Anyway, he had duct tape over one area and I had assumed it was to cover a hole because he'd done that in several places. I pulled the duct tape off tonight because I could no longer stand his writing on there about cutting. Do you know that there was no hole. He just stuck the tape on the wall for no reason- but of course when I pulled it off, there came the paint. I worked my butt off in that room when we moved in. I saved for this kid, lost my job because of his doings, I could go on and on.

He better be a different kid when he comes home. I never was a witch before to him but he's not coming home to the same mom this time.

 

[DammitJanet]

Sigh. I can understand the damage in the rooms. My whole house pretty much looks that way and it is from several of us. Some is damage I have done, some is from Cory, some is incidental damage from Cory and Jamie rough-housing in the family room and bumping into the walls, and some is from my mom and her dog.

 

[klmno]

Honestly- all this stuff going back to difficult child setting the brush fire in the neighborhood and being a dr jekyll and mr hyde- I wish I had drawn the line in the sand sooner. Not as far as disowning him (i would never do that) but as far as what I would tolerate- before I expended ALL resources trying to salvage this kid. I was so worried about the custody thing because there were people holding it over my head- I wish they could figure out that if I had a family member that would take care of difficult child and difficult child wouldn't have the potential for being molested or abused, heck, I would send him myself. I won't let things get to the point they did before. difficult child and I will be doing a lot of talking when he gets home...

 

[KTMom91]

I hear you. My kitchen counter has several chunks missing from the time Miss KT lost her temper and slammed a pan down, breaking the tiles. Her bedroom has multiple holes in the walls, no door jamb, and no door, after she tore it off the hinges and threw it at me. Once she's away at college, we're remodeling her room into my library.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well to be honest, Im sure my father cussed me out under his breath...or out loud when he had to fix up the house I grew up in. I used magic markers and wrote all over my walls in my bedroom!

I think I had pot posters in there and I cant remember what I wrote on the walls, but I know I did it.

Another thing for me to feel bad about now...lol. Sheesh I put that man through the ringer! He has to be a tough old bird to survive this long raising me!

 

[klmno]

Yeah...my son will figure a lot more out when he's the one supporting and raising a kid and providing the home- or at least, he better! LOL!

I've already had one h*** of a day and it's only half over- at least difficult child's iep eligibility meeting went well.

 

[AnnieO]

Onyxx wrote all over the walls in her bedroom when it was downstairs. The carpet looks like... Err... Koi. Moved her upstairs. When we painted, even with KILZ, some of it came through. MULTIPLE coats. I put a poster over the worst of it, since it's my craft room now. She carves holes in the wall. Has ruined the door frame. Told her when it falls off it's her problem to fix it. We won't even HELP with it. Holes in walls, chipped tile, broken furniture... I am constantly finding pliers, screwdrivers, hammers in her room. And more holes. When she moves out? I'm HIRING someone to fix it. Probably the handyman guy across the street.

In the meantime - I think you are right to make him clean it. He needs to understand that you are always Mom, you always love him, but you won't tolerate any of this any more. And the first sign of destruction or disgustingness - he should lose something. Preferably something he likes!

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oldest broke her bedroom door/door jamb in every house/apartment we lived in, without fail. Youngest broke the one in my current apartment. Slamming doors seems (seemed?) to be popular with my girls. I remember nights where one of them slam a door over and over, for effect. I also had a couple of bathroom doors with kick-holes in them, and at least one hole in the wall in the hallway. Oh, and gashes in the drywall from throwing things, and cracked glass in a picture from something being thrown at that. And stains on the floor from things spilled and never cleaned up, even worse in Oldest's room was the mold that grew on top of the spill, and the Baby Ruth bar ground into the carpet after she stepped on it and left it there, and the bottom of the drawer of her nightstand that actually fell through from her spilling a Coke in there and never cleaning it out (note: particle board furniture doesn't withstand difficult child torture well). Why her room was never over-run with bugs was a miracle.

Wow, I had forgotten about a lot of that until I started writing it.

I understand the resentment, believe me. All I can say is, it will be better eventually, when he's on his own and your home is yours agian. Hugs.

 

[Star*]

In hind sight....?

I would and did spend the last prior to 'welcome home' moments of peace - enjoying my own pleasures, writing rules and consequences, posting the rules, putting locks on everything (lotta good that did - he can get into almost anything with a broken CD or DVD) so get hasp hinges and master locks with one set of keys that you keep on your person. Then go over the rules, stick to them and have a plan B without telling him what it is.

ALL the things that are in his room now that you don't like that peeve you off? WRITE THEM ON YOUR LIST OF YOUR HOUSE RULES NOW.

No drinks, no food, no holes on the wall - laundry once a week - etc....etc.....etc.
Outline the consequences very clearly- THIS is the time to do this BECAUSE - where heis at now? Has rules and consequences and they are written out clearly and understood. Period. The transition will be easier for him and less hassle for you both if he understands from the get go that ( not that it WILL NOT BE) but that it CAN NOT BE like it was before. HUGE difference.

I would also start with NOTHING will be done for you. Teens respond better to shorter verbal commands.

The rage, the resentment? Really normal klmno....really. I STILL have bouts of it. Sigh - STILL. And I"m still patching holes. STILL. I think Georgia Pacific should send ME a rebate or give ME a job. Seriously. I've bought enough of their junk over the years.

Hugs - Yaint ALONE.

 

[klmno]

Thank you- all of you! Crazy and Star- you had me chuckling quite a bit! And Star, that link and info you sent me before about repairing and patching drywall is on my hardrive now- it will be used as soon as I can afford it and difficult child WILL be helping.

I had started writeing my lists of expectations, and so for th which I posted on General. Many replied that it was too complicated, long, and demanding. I think it was useful for me even if it's never printed out and given to difficult child. It establishes my limits, I think, in a way so I can think rationally about what is a major issue and what's an issue I can/should deal with just between us- as in grounding or so forth. Not- that I'm nnot tweaking it- I have decided to hold off on opportunity for him to earn an allowance., as an example.

by the way- it's the huge hole in my bedroom door that really gets to me.

As far as rules for difficult child being kept simple- no violence, disprespect, stealing or SNEAKING. I finally realized that it was difficult child trying to sneak and break rules/laws that left the biggest amopunt of mistrust. The things he feels I took away from him that are unreasonable- they were all taken away because not only did he break the rules, he snuck and did it. Prime example- he lost his privilege with his cell phone (pay as you go) 2 years ago, after begging for one. Went out and wouldn't answer phone half the time, lied about where he was if he did answer phone, and didn't come home on time. Loses cell phone for certain period of time- but has opportunity to earn it back. Didn't do what it took to earn it back- loses it for undertermined amount of time. Steals mine that was issued to me from employer, racks up hundreds of dollars on their bill texting and downloading. I find out when employer confronts me with it. Am I EVER buying this kid a cell phone? Probably not. He wants me to now act like I'm a parent of a typical teen? Then it won't come fast and easy- he has to show me that he won't sneak and do stuff with strict rules. Sorry- but if he can handle the rules in Department of Juvenile Justice without flipping out- he can handle these.

 

[slsh]

klmno - I have a different take on this. Remember - take what you can use and ditch the rest.

I would clean the room from top to bottom. He's been gone quite a while and the idea is for him to make a new start. Making him come home and clean up the mess he left so long ago.... well, it just doesn't seem to me to be promoting the idea of a new start. Just MHO.

What's done is done. He is hopefully a different kid. *Hopefully* he's learned the value of what you provide him and will respect it. Walking into his wrecked room, even though he is the one who wrecked it, just doesn't seem right to me. Yes, logical consequences would be that he should have cleaned it up, but he got a much heavier logical consequence for his choices than simply room cleaning.

I understand the anger and resentment rebuilding as you clean up the mess. We spent a decade watching a TV that had a major chunk out of its exterior casing, courtesy of one of thank you's rages. Boo's room was missing a door for years because thank you literally shredded it (gotta love those hollow doors). But I think that fixing the damage and cleaning up the mess as best you can will be a gift for both yourself and difficult child. He starts off with a clean slate and you get to throw all that junk away, hopefully figuratively as well as literally.

I don't know - maybe I'm going soft in my old age, but I think if the idea is for difficult child to start fresh and stick to the program, it might be more helpful for him to not start off in the mess that he left.

Again, just my opinion.

 

[janebrain]

Well, I wish I would have read all these replies a few years back when my difficult child 1 was writing all over walls--I thought I was the only one with a teen who did that!

Also, Star, can you send me whatever info you sent to KLMNO about drywall fixing? My difficult child 2/easy child caused some damage in her brother's room a few years ago by running full tilt and crashing into the wall. The wall is now cracked.

Good luck, Klmno, it is certainly understandable why your anger is resurfacing! However, I think maybe slsh has a good point about a fresh start. It's good to read all the different viewpoints here!

Thanks,
Jane

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I agree with Sue. It's a fresh start for both of you. He left that room what, 14-16 months ago? (I would have had it cleaned out the day after he left because I would have been afraid there was food rotting or attracting bugs!!!) Make a clean start for both of you. It wouldn't be setting a scene for the new beginning you both want and need.

I totally understand how being in there and going through the trash and destruction would bring back the negative memories. But hopefully things are going to be different. He obviously didn't behave in that manner while he was locked up, perhaps he's learned some retraint and respect - here's hoping.

Sharon

 

[DammitJanet]

I can understand a hole in your door upsetting you.

 

[klmno]

I'm not leaving trash and stuff in his room- that's what I meant by doing the minimum. Food and cigs were taken out of his room a few days after his arrest, (police had searched it and taken out any cutting instruments the night he was arrested)- except for the half-eaten bag of popcorn I found in the middle of a mess under his bed yesterday. I've sorted thru his clothes, straightened his dresser and desk top, polished furniture, and washed sheets. I haven't vacuumed in there yet, but will. I put his shoes in the closet but there really wasn't a bunch of stuff strawn all over the floor. He had his closets (clothes and shelves) completely organized (remember he used to go on cleaning sprees himself.). It was when I was polishing furniture that I realized there was sticky stuff on half of it- and I spent a few mins on it, then moved on. I found poker chips he used when playing games with friends on the floor behind the night table- I picked them up- they were all sticky- he can either throw them away or clean them off- I piled them together. I'm drawing the line at the things I just listed. I don't have money or time to repair the holes, paint, etc. (I am planning to cover the remaining bad hole- but he'll have to live with the spot where I pulled the duct tape off.) The day after this last offense, I was at the court house, then on the phone with psychiatrists/tdocs with him being tdo'd by detention, and trying to deal with my own emotions and ptsd- cleaning his bedroom was the futherest thing on my mind. There has been over a year since, of course, but I really couldn't see washing sheets and polishing furniture every few weeks during that period. The stuff under his bed was stuff like empty boxes for fruit roll-ups, a shoe, a bugee cord, and other misc stuff- except for the popcorn that was shoved in the middle of it.

I see the point of having everything a clean slate and if I'd been working this whole year with income or if we'd moved, we would/could have had that. I can;'t give that- it's partly a result of his doing that I was left in this position. So, if we stay in this house and get to a point where repairs can be made, we will be starting with damage to bedroom door, the HUGE holes in my "office" walls and in the living room walls. Then we will move to his bedroom and the game room. I call that natural consequences. The way I look at it, if he ever becomes aggressuive with his spouse someday and ends up locked up for it, he still will have issues to contend with in that relationship as a result. He'll be lucky if she's willing to try again in the relationship, if he's destroyed their house, just because he did time legally should he expect that she will pick up all the pieces and be standing there with open arms like nothing ever happened wheen the courts release him? Obviously, I'm not going to the extent of trying to punish him further, but the PO and I talked eysterday and both agreed that just like the courts are requiring him to earn his way back to 100% "freedom", he has to earn his way back to trust and typical teen chances with me, too. IOW, he gets things gradually- it's not that he won't get anything- just that he won't get everything the day he's released.

Now, if I beleived all this was due to MI, it would be different. But while I used to have doubts about how much was MI and how much was not and I still feel certain that some was, a lot of it wasn't. I will tell him that I'm sorry we still have to live with this damage- but hopefully, he'll learn more from seeing it didn't all disappear while he was gone then he would otherwise.