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Here I Go Again...ARGH
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 386467" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I always tried to grease the wheels of communication with teachers, even if I had personal difficulty with this or that person. The teacher from Grade 4 whose own son was in the same class - that was a bad year. She & I had been friends socially before this time but our friendship was strained to breaking point and there were a lot of times when I had to soothe her ruffled feelings and re-phrase what I said. But I found that if I backed down ("sorry, I shouldn't have said that at all") it made me seem like a wimp who didn't know my own mind. So when she said, "How could you insult me by complaining because I only say negative things in the communication book? You ASKED me to tell you everything that is going on!" I replied with, "I do want everything, within reason (I don't want you to spend your entire day communicating with me, that takes your time away from the other students). And of course some of that can't help but be negative. What I meant was, I think it will be healthier for both of us and help us cope emotionally a lot better, with the load of coping with this child, if we can also try to include something positive about his day. I realise this could take a lot of mental effort on some days!"</p><p></p><p>In other words, while I didn't back down, I did choose to soothe her ego because I needed her on side. In return, she was often more frank with me than was wise, and her opinions about alternative placements gave me more confidence to seek these out. However, our friendship has never been the same. I lost respect for her integrity (or lack of) when her discipline in class became tainted with her 'need' to protect her son, who was actually bullying my son (and others). And she probably now feels less comfortable about me as a person, if I can't maintain good discipline with my wayward child. </p><p></p><p>There have been a lot of times when I have had to grit my teeth and choke back what I really want to say. My child's support and welfare is the main focus always, and while we need to work as a team for this, that is what we must do. If the teacher is making it clear that he/she is refusing to work with me, then I go to the principal. If that fails to work, I keep going higher. With conflict with teaches, I've never had to go higher than principal. Mostly I've been able to get things at least to a satisfactory compromise, through my own communications.</p><p></p><p>Looking back I estimate there are maybe three teachers from the past who would be happy if they never crossed paths with me again. However, all three are polite and friendly when we do meet, and will sometimes stop me and ask how difficult child 3 is going. Only one is really cold with me; her husband is one of the other two and the friend I mentioned above is the third. Of the others - I have been maintaing contact on a very friendly basis even after they have left the school where they taught, in some cases.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean we always agreed when they taught my kid. But it does mean that when we had a problem, we resolved it, and I always did my utmost to see the teacher's point of view, even while keeping my own needs for my child at the forefront. "I understand how this teacher's job is so difficult; but these things MUST be done for my kid."</p><p></p><p>It's a lot more difficult for a parent to attack you for being too demanding and unrealistic in your expectations, if you have already anticipated the teacher's problems and provided your own solution for them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 386467, member: 1991"] I always tried to grease the wheels of communication with teachers, even if I had personal difficulty with this or that person. The teacher from Grade 4 whose own son was in the same class - that was a bad year. She & I had been friends socially before this time but our friendship was strained to breaking point and there were a lot of times when I had to soothe her ruffled feelings and re-phrase what I said. But I found that if I backed down ("sorry, I shouldn't have said that at all") it made me seem like a wimp who didn't know my own mind. So when she said, "How could you insult me by complaining because I only say negative things in the communication book? You ASKED me to tell you everything that is going on!" I replied with, "I do want everything, within reason (I don't want you to spend your entire day communicating with me, that takes your time away from the other students). And of course some of that can't help but be negative. What I meant was, I think it will be healthier for both of us and help us cope emotionally a lot better, with the load of coping with this child, if we can also try to include something positive about his day. I realise this could take a lot of mental effort on some days!" In other words, while I didn't back down, I did choose to soothe her ego because I needed her on side. In return, she was often more frank with me than was wise, and her opinions about alternative placements gave me more confidence to seek these out. However, our friendship has never been the same. I lost respect for her integrity (or lack of) when her discipline in class became tainted with her 'need' to protect her son, who was actually bullying my son (and others). And she probably now feels less comfortable about me as a person, if I can't maintain good discipline with my wayward child. There have been a lot of times when I have had to grit my teeth and choke back what I really want to say. My child's support and welfare is the main focus always, and while we need to work as a team for this, that is what we must do. If the teacher is making it clear that he/she is refusing to work with me, then I go to the principal. If that fails to work, I keep going higher. With conflict with teaches, I've never had to go higher than principal. Mostly I've been able to get things at least to a satisfactory compromise, through my own communications. Looking back I estimate there are maybe three teachers from the past who would be happy if they never crossed paths with me again. However, all three are polite and friendly when we do meet, and will sometimes stop me and ask how difficult child 3 is going. Only one is really cold with me; her husband is one of the other two and the friend I mentioned above is the third. Of the others - I have been maintaing contact on a very friendly basis even after they have left the school where they taught, in some cases. That doesn't mean we always agreed when they taught my kid. But it does mean that when we had a problem, we resolved it, and I always did my utmost to see the teacher's point of view, even while keeping my own needs for my child at the forefront. "I understand how this teacher's job is so difficult; but these things MUST be done for my kid." It's a lot more difficult for a parent to attack you for being too demanding and unrealistic in your expectations, if you have already anticipated the teacher's problems and provided your own solution for them. Marg [/QUOTE]
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