Here I go with BIG doubts on my decisions.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by AK0603, Apr 23, 2007.

  1. AK0603

    AK0603 New Member

    A quick history:

    I am currently living in NY, but am set to move to Indiana in June. I have 2 sons with my ex husband, he has stayed in Indiana. We have joint custody with me having full physical custody. My oldest son, (11) has really been going down the wrong road in the last year or so. He has been on several medications, lashing out, violent, and just out of control. At the end of Feb. his father and I decided that he should go live with him just to see if he could do better at his home (I have 3 other children and they have none) so he went there. We did not change anything legally, because it is a trial, I have been sending him 1/2 of the paid CS back for him to use with my oldest son. And I keep the other 1/2 for our other son.

    Today I got a modified custody order in the mail. Changing physical custody to him, I didn't want to do this since it was a "trial" and i was not sure if he would do better or worse there with his dad, but felt I had to try it. His grades have improved, but since I'm moving there in June, I still do not want to change this over. His father spanks him, which I DO NOT like at all, and when I went to visit him 2 weeks ago, he had a bruise from a spanking with the belt. I made his clear, if he was spanked in that manner again he'd be back in NY within 24 hours, and my ex agreed.

    I don't mind signing the paper to say the 1/2 of the CS no longer comes out of his checks, but I do not want to give physical custody to him. My thinking is what if he is no better, then I would just rather have him live with- me, and maybe i can find a ROTC or something like that for him to help.

    I have NEVER been away from him, and it killed me to even make the decision, but he was running away from home, school, fighting, was hospitalized for threats to kill himself, diagnosis'd as Bipolar, it's been just an uphill battle

    When I talked to him tonight I told him I would sign a paper about the CS but NOT the custody because this was meant to be a trial, and 9 wks is not long enough for me to say with certainity that he is doing better there.

    Ex wasn't too happy (I think these moves comes from his new wife) but I'm just not sure why he's doing this. It seems odd how we agreed to this trial and now he's in a rush to legally change things over. I really believe it has to do with the fact that when I saw he spanked him with a belt and I told him if I EVER saw or heard of another bruise on him he would be back with me immediatly. So I feel like this is a way to cover his own tush.

    He said he would talk to his attny again and see what she said and let me know.

    I want what is best for my son, and IF he's doing wonderful there, grades improve and behavior improves, then I would do that, but after 9 wks he's still in a honeymoon period there. He's only seen his dad for 9 wks a year, so it's party house when he's there usually. I don't even think he's comfortable enough to display behavior like he did here.
     
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Amy, do you have your own attorney to consult? It might be wise given how complicated the situation is. At this point, I don't think I'd be signing anything at all until you know what is what.
     
  3. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    That old saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" comes to mind. I get real suspicious when someone moves unilaterally to legalize an informal arrangement that seems to be working for everyone. I wouldn't sign anything until I thought long and hard about it....and talked to my attorney.
     
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Smallworld about consulting with an attorney. I know this is so difficult for you-I'm sorry things are so rough.
     
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    Of course he isn't comfortable at ex's if ex is leaving bruises on him. Was ex abusive to you? My difficult child 1 doesn't have any behaviors with my ex because he would beat the tar out of him.

    I go to court often with ex and I try to not let it affect difficult child 1's treatment. What we go to court over is because ex is an idiot. Its not to determine the best interest of the child. You need a lawyer in Indiana. With the help of the lawyer maybe you could draft a letter stating your concerns, the behaviors your difficult child exhibited that led to this trial, and that this is only a trial period and the honeymoon isn't over yet and (maybe depending on how sure you are of yourself) what you intend on doing should this fail and what are the conditions that would constitute failure of the trial. Mention the bruises in this letter and send it by email. Email is more court friendly because it is time and date stamped. Definantly get a lawyers input because this might be to much information to hand over to someone that will be opposing you or it might need to be written in a certain way to go over well in court.

    Oh some other thoughts. If you and ex are in court difficult child might use that to his advantage if he doesn't like the rules of one household or the other. Especially if he knows the spanking is an issue with you and the money is an issue with ex.

    Good luck! I really hate court.
     
  6. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member

    If your DEX spanked him hard enough to leave a bruise....I would say it is time for him to come home. I am NOT of a strong opinion one way or the other for or against spanking...but if it is being done in a manner that is leaving bruises, that isn't simple spanking, thats ABUSE. I would not wait for the next time, I would yank him back so fast my Ex's Head would SPIN!!!!

    Besides... a bipolar CHILD is not going to benefit from spanking anyway in my opinion.

    Good luck, and if I were you, I would take everyone else's advice and consult an attorney before agreeing to anything

    I will pray for you!
     
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am sorry, I know you were just trying to make things better for him. It has got to be so hard at this point, here you are missing your son, and now you have to second guess every decision you make. You did what was best for him. You have every right to worry and to change your mind if you are feeling uneasy about his situation! 9 weeks is not enough time to know for sure, I wouldn't think???

    Go with your Mommy heart... you can only do so much. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you are trying to help him!
    Sending hugs.
     
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I too would not leave a child with a man who inflicted bruises.
    period.
     
  9. oceans

    oceans New Member

    I think that just by writing what you have said here it is clear that you do not feel comfortable letting him have custody. Please do not second guess how you are really feeling deep inside. You are moving there in June. Get yourself an attorney and let them know what is happening. In June after you move, you will be more clear on what is the best thing. I would not feel secure giving up your rights not knowing what the future holds for your child at this point in time. Do not do something you might end up regretting.
     
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Don't sign anything. Not even the CS. This is TEMPORARY. No need to make any changes to what is already in place. I say give it one year with no legal changes.

    As long as Dex has rights to make medical decisions - nothing else needs to be done permanently.

    Do not give them any leeway to say you meant for this to be permanent.
     
  11. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    Do not sign!!!!! What could your son have done to deserve bruises? No matter what get an attorney.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You're going to give the man a license to bruise your kid more. If he's been on GOOD behavior and got bruised, imagine what it would be like if you have no custody and your son starts to really act out. If I were you, I'd bring him home. Naturally, if he's afraid his father will beat him he may act better for the short term in front of him. I'd never take the chance. In fact I'd tell your attorney about the bruises. The kid is likely to be removed by CPS, and then neither of you will have custody, especially if you knew about it and did nothing. It's awfully suspicious that right after you told him not to bruise the boy he suddenly wants custody AND your child support. This man sounds like totally bad news. Your son needs protection from him, not more authority from him. And his wife doesn't sound any better.
     
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