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Parent Emeritus
Here is my letter to Scott. Did I act too needy?
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 99241" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>I think it is never wrong to open a door our children may walk through one day. </p><p></p><p>In your grief over his loss though MWM, I see you making the situation make sense by blaming yourself for your son's actions.</p><p></p><p>So, the piece I would add to what the others have already said has to do with that.</p><p></p><p>I think you need to unravel the thinking that led you to believe you are responsible for the actions your son is taking. </p><p></p><p>I think that, somewhere in the winding pathways of his psyche, it is your pain that is both fueling and legitimizing your son's rejection ~ but I think that what your son is rejecting is not you, but himself as he was when you saved him.</p><p></p><p>I think that, once your son matures enough truly to accept himself, warts and all, and to be grateful for his life, however different it may have been than the way it might have been ~ I think he will come back then, and want to look into your eyes and find his truths there.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps Scott is less hardline and religious than vulnerable and shamed by his background BEFORE you and your family saved him.</p><p></p><p>And perhaps it is that vulnerability, that horrible wondering what might have happened to him had you not taken him in, that is fueling his rejection of you and all you stand for, now. </p><p></p><p>You may have nothing in the world to apologize for, to be unhappy about, to grieve over.</p><p></p><p>Your son has chosen this path to decipher the mystery of his own past, of how it was that he was rejected or orphaned, and of how it was that a miracle occurred and he was fortunate enough to be whisked away to the richest country on Earth with the stigma of misfortunate birth forever erased.</p><p></p><p>The way I see it, your task now is simply to wait, and to love your son. </p><p></p><p>If you can de-energize the emotional charge attending that sense of his having rejected YOU, you will be able to help your son understand himself when he comes to you again for the validation of self that only those who have known us through our times of vulnerability or shame can provide.</p><p></p><p>Your relationship with this son is more complex than most ~ but your child needs to do what he is doing now.</p><p></p><p>Your task is to love him, believe in him, and wait for him.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for sounding like a know it all again. :smile:</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 99241, member: 3353"] I think it is never wrong to open a door our children may walk through one day. In your grief over his loss though MWM, I see you making the situation make sense by blaming yourself for your son's actions. So, the piece I would add to what the others have already said has to do with that. I think you need to unravel the thinking that led you to believe you are responsible for the actions your son is taking. I think that, somewhere in the winding pathways of his psyche, it is your pain that is both fueling and legitimizing your son's rejection ~ but I think that what your son is rejecting is not you, but himself as he was when you saved him. I think that, once your son matures enough truly to accept himself, warts and all, and to be grateful for his life, however different it may have been than the way it might have been ~ I think he will come back then, and want to look into your eyes and find his truths there. Perhaps Scott is less hardline and religious than vulnerable and shamed by his background BEFORE you and your family saved him. And perhaps it is that vulnerability, that horrible wondering what might have happened to him had you not taken him in, that is fueling his rejection of you and all you stand for, now. You may have nothing in the world to apologize for, to be unhappy about, to grieve over. Your son has chosen this path to decipher the mystery of his own past, of how it was that he was rejected or orphaned, and of how it was that a miracle occurred and he was fortunate enough to be whisked away to the richest country on Earth with the stigma of misfortunate birth forever erased. The way I see it, your task now is simply to wait, and to love your son. If you can de-energize the emotional charge attending that sense of his having rejected YOU, you will be able to help your son understand himself when he comes to you again for the validation of self that only those who have known us through our times of vulnerability or shame can provide. Your relationship with this son is more complex than most ~ but your child needs to do what he is doing now. Your task is to love him, believe in him, and wait for him. Sorry for sounding like a know it all again. [img]:smile:[/img] Barbara [/QUOTE]
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Here is my letter to Scott. Did I act too needy?
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