Here we go again! Those darn positive thinking messages are here

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, Jun 7, 2015.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    One of the warning signs of Ache's mood and situation deteriorating is, that he starts to flood especially his more public social media with positive thinking and motivational clichés. "Don't give up, because you may be in verge of success", "winners never quit", "night is darkest just before dawn", you know the type.

    He had been very quiet in more public social media (Twitter, Fb, the ones he does mostly for appearance, WhatsApp and Snapchat is how he actually communicates with friends) a longer time, but started with positive thinking things a week or two ago. And now has advanced to some that have rather bitter tone in them. Some appear that he was drunk sending them (bitterness and 'you will see'-mentality was quite open in those, he does know better, so being intoxicated or for other reason in very impulsive mood is almost given) and he actually deleted couple of those later.

    So it seems evident things are, again, going steadily South. And he is six hours from home and there was rather recent coaching change in his team, that is very unfortunate for him. The person who wanted him there and who knows him well was offered much more lucrative position elsewhere and left and was replaced by someone Ache does not know but who has a rep of being hard-nosed and old school. Not necessary a bad thing, but if they do not find common ground, Ache may rebel in rather spectacular ways.

    In current situation only team doctor actually knows the real depth of Ache's issues and Ache is very unlikely to voluntarily give any more away.

    So me and hubby are in unfortunate position to try to figure out how Ache is actually doing (when asked, he says just fine), if and when he crosses the line when we need to intervene and finding out, if that happens, what are the ways we can do that (preferably before the only way to do so is to try to call an ambulance without knowing there he actually is.)

    Ache has given a release for his psychiatrist to talk to us and admit hew is his patient, but the psychiatrist is also close where we live, not where Ache currently is, so he doesn't likely have much more info of local to Ache resources than we have. I doubt Ache would be willing to give any release to his therapist though we do know who he is (but without release he could not talk with us at all or admit Ache is a patient.)

    Team doctor is of course an emergency resource we can contact, but contacting him would be considered an extreme breach of trust from Ache. Contacting his sport psychologist with our worries would also likely not be taken well by Ache. And he of course is not willing to admit anything could be wrong himself.

    Argh!
     
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Well, even with the HIPPA laws in America, u could still give therapist a heads up even though he/she couldn't let YOU know everything.

    Social media is such a mixed blessing, isn't it. Sorry you are going through this.
     
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs SuZir...
    It's tough when all you can really do is sit there waiting for the expected shoe to drop.
     
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Our confidentiality laws forbid health care providers admitting in anyway that certain person is their patient without release. And taking our call about Ache and listening would be indirect admission of him being his patient and thus at least very much in the grey area if not downright illegal for his therapist. Ache's psychiatrist advised him to give a release so we could report if we would see worrying signs of side effects when medications were tweaked and Ache even wanted us to be part of formulating treatment plan and so let the psychiatrist comment diagnosis etc. while me and hubby were also there. But of course he neither tells us anything Ache has actually talked with him about. To sport psychologist Ache has been given much laxer release (while he too is covered under the same laws) and he basically has Ache's permission to tell almost anyone that Ache is his client and talk things related to Ache to people to whom he feels need to. That is just very different job description, though even in that things directly related to sport performance and mental coaching are much more fair game and in other things sport psychologist is much more reserved.

    If we would push it, Ache would likely give also a therapist some form of release, but he has made it clear in the past he would not like to. And I kind of think that is a healthy boundary for him to draw and would hate to try to overstep when he does that. Drawing boundaries after all is something that tends to be difficult for him. And to my knowledge, or so Ache tells me, he has given release for therapist to consult psychiatrist and also sport psychologist, so they can call and talk about Ache to therapist if need arises, I guess.

    And IC, you are so right; it really is tough to sit and wait. And not something I would have any disposition either. I deal with difficult situation by planning, plan a, plan b, plan c, plan z and so on. Just sitting and waiting without ability to plan is excruciating for me.

    And unfortunately he has again added couple motivational quotes in line of 'I will raise above and show those people who didn't believe in me.' While in the surface they may seem okay or even appropriate to someone in his situation, the bitter and passive aggressive undertones are not good signs.
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I'm sorry Suzir.

    It is so hard to do nothing when we are so afraid and see the telltale signs, watching someone we love in deep pain and suffering and knowing we can do nothing about any of it.

    Turning and walking in another direction is what I have learned to do, even while my love is still there, hurting and vigilant. Over the years I learned all of my actions were for naught, but it doesn't mean it still isn't really, really hard to stand by and stand back.

    Hugs to you today.
     
  6. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Thanks CoM!

    Though, curiously, I can't even have solace in thought that nothing we have done has helped. Not that I'm sorry that many of our interferences have actually worked to some degree at least. I mean, things could be worse.

    First we did look for and force Ache to addiction treatment. After he completed that, he has been clean over four years with just few slips.

    Then we had a hand talking him to accept services of sport psychologist, then psychiatrist and later on we enabled and influenced his decision to start therapy.

    I had a part in talking him to give medications a chance.

    We enable him to continue using services of that sport psychologist and he has been heaven sent. Ache has improved a lot in many areas of life through working with him.

    And while his mental health is not in good place, he had stayed alive and functioning these last 4,5 years after we started interfering to this area of his life. At least he has some names and tools to his issues instead of trying to drown them to his addiction and fearing he is going 'just crazy.'

    It is far from perfect, but he is alive and functioning despite his mental illness. That has to be something. If nothing else, we have been able to keep him these four years instead of burying him then. And unfortunately that wasn't unrealistic scenario at all.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Most of our adult children do nothing in regard to our suggestions. You are lucky that Ache is willing to consider your feelings and opinions and do things in his best interests. But that is not the case with most of us.

    I'm sorry he is going South, but believe he will again recover and make a comeback. He is a strong young man!
     
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand. I can usually get a general idea of Oldest's moods, and what state her life is in, via her Facebook page posts. I can usually predict where things are going .. especially when her friends stop commenting on her posts. It makes me sad.
     
  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Yes, that certainly is quite obvious sign that things are wrong. With my kid, in Twitter, it is only stranger who like, retweet or comment, when when he tweets something more authentic, also people he actually know tend to add it to favourites or comment. And basically same in Fb. Yeah, some of his about 1000 'friends' will like or comment, but if you look at it, there may be well over 50 likes and none of them from people who actually know him that much or care about him. I do know that at times his real friends actually do try to reach him after this type of messages through more private channels, but he tends to either be flippant or lash out; basically same how he reacts when I or hubby will ask if he is okay at times like these.

    There is of course chance he can pick himself up without major crisis. This may be reaction of starting therapy again. Reaction to likely trouble to find his place in new team because at this point there are mostly just kids like him training together, more experienced guys are often given permission to train independently through summer. Ache tends to do better in more mixed group. It may be reaction to change in coaching staff. It is something different than what he was expecting. Getting used to that can take some time. He may be in conflict with this new coach, wouldn't be a first coaching relationship he starts with a big conflict (and they may still turn out well.) Or maybe he has an issue with the new town and it takes some getting used to. You never know with Ache. Two weeks and he will be home for four weeks. And he tends to calm down and do better at home, so I do hope he makes it till that and is able to shift gears to adapt to what ever it is after that breather.

    But no, waiting and watching this unravel is not kind to my nerves, even though I'm still somewhat hopeful that this may not end to some major crisis this time.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2015
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Multiple layers of transition... when our kids don't handle single transitions all that well to start with. Glad he's going to be home for a few weeks - at least it's a lessor transition (coming into the known)
     
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Yes, a lot of transitions and new and challenging, for him at least, things. New beginning too, but also lot to get familiar and comfortable with. Also likely lot of turbulence and building pecking order inside the team and things like that. Things that are very stressful to Ache.

    While coming home is a transition too, it is transition to safe and familiar and very low expectations situation. He of course will have his training to do, but it is on his own timetable and while he is expected to be social (the more challenging part) and take part to family functions and running the household (less challenging part), those too he can more or less scheduled as he wishes. If he wants to spend a day sitting at the sofa and playing video games no one will bother him. If that is, what he is up to that day, it is okay and he will pick up other things he needs to do the next day. In his current situation he does not have that kind of options but he is expected to be in full shape and on top of his game socially and work habit wise every day.
     
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I remember that feeling...like being in the path of an oncoming train. You know it's coming, but the loved one doesn't see it, and you just have to watch it happen in slow motion.

    The upside is that, you have dealt with this before and you have some tools in your pack for dealing with it.

    Get plenty of rest and know that you are doing the best that you can with the situation.
     
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