Here we go again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by fallen angel, Jul 14, 2007.

  1. fallen angel

    fallen angel New Member

    Hello All..Haven't been on in some time but once again I need a soft place to just never for the update...1st difficult child is doing well...working two jobs this he has had for a year...finished first year of college on deans list...drives and has had a girlfriend for over a year....doing well but always I have my eyes wide open..takes awhile to gain the trust again but we are proud of him..

    2nd difficult child is not doing well...graduated HS by the skin of his teeth...quits one job after the interest in driving..plans on college in september but no way to get there and no interest in doing the paperwork...he is def drinking and I have heard he is doing drugs maybe a little dealing if there is such a thing....not doing his community only a matter of time till we are back in court...he thinks he knows it real communication with him...when asked anything about driving, community service I am told to leave it I do....just heard he was up to no good the other night and I know it is only a matter of time till the phone rings..the hardest thing is seeing it happen and not being able to do anything about much as you want to help you are helpless...and I am tired..real tired...Every step we have taken to see him fall so we can get this going in the right direction is underminded by someone or something...and the worse part is he tells me "you see, I never loose" and that is scary...sometimes I am so scared I find myself holding on to myself so I don't I wish there was an easy way....once was bad enough but again?..thoughts?
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    "You see, I never lose"

    He believes this. He, like my difficult child, thinks he can get around the rules that we have to live by.

    Until something happens to change his thinking he will continue to live this way.

    Remember mom that he is making his own choices.

    The only control you have at age 18 is for your own actions.

    You can choose to soften his fall or you can choose to let him fall on his face ~ we never know what it will take for them to wise up and stop making bad decisions.

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Do you go to alanon. I highly recommend it.
  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    kick him out. he is not listening, throws that in your face. it it causing you depression to have no control.

    first go to the library and borrow this book for some strength:

    boundaries by townsend and cloud
  5. fallen angel

    fallen angel New Member

    Thank you for the support...You are right in that we never know what it will take for them to fall....I would rather he fall now than later....the longer it takes the worse it will be I am afraid...

    Cannot kick him out...if we do kick him out we are still responsible for him finacially until he is 21..walk this walk..even if we change the locks and we don't let him in, he can call the cops and we are in kick him out we have to have someplace for him to go and he won't go....

    Yes I put alot of faith in god...I believe there is a plan..I just wish I knew what it was .....
  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I live in NY state too. When I kicked my 18 yr old dtr out she and the boyfriend went directly to Dept. of Social Services and told them I had kicked her out. As it was explained to me, if they provided services to her they would then take us to court to get child support since she was under 21 and we are financially responsible. However, they did tell me that if I had rules such as curfews, her having to get a job, etc., and she chose not to follow those rules then we did not have to allow her to live at home. Also, they would have their own set of rules she would have to follow in order to get help from them.

    I think if you kicked him out and he called the cops you would then be on the road to getting help--no court is going to say he can just mooch off you til he is 21. You only have to provide the very minimum--a bed, basic food, necessities. You can have strict rules. In other words, you can try to make him want to move out by making life very uncomfortable for him--I think that is what the DSS social worker was trying to get across to me when my dtr went to them.

    Turns out that DSS worked with her and us to come up with a plan--we would provide some support to her and she would not live at home. Of course, in our case she really did not want to live at home, but she wanted us to provide her with everything.

    We have a happy ending in that she now is independent (age 19) and does not expect help from us and we don't provide it. She is much happier being able to take care of herself and she "gets it" that this is what she needs to do in order to live as an adult.

    Good luck--remember, you can have lots of rules--he doesn't get to just live there and do nothing--even the state of NY doesn't go that far!

  7. Merris

    Merris New Member

    I SO remember this spiral before difficult child went to jail. You feel helpless and hopeless. Can I recommend "Co-dependant No More". It's more about married couples and alcoholism, but it does give you nuggets of knowledge that you can use in every day life.

    He's going to HAVE to stand on his own 2 feet. What were you doing at 18? My mom had kicked me out and I was living with a physically abusive boyfriend (soon to be husband). Life stunk, but I learned.

    He will learn to adapt. Does New York have a Department of Mental Health and Addiction Services? Maybe they can help.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I remember dreading waking up in the morning.