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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 721759" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm sorry you are going thru this Alejandra. It is so difficult when our kids act out and treat us badly.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can do. You didn't cause this and you can't control it. Your son is an adult, he can choose anything he wants. What we as parents have to do is to learn how to accept what we can't control. Not easy. But necessary for our own well being and peace of mind.</p><p></p><p>I would suggest you read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.</p><p></p><p>You might gain some perspective from reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty.</p><p></p><p>If your son is depressed or has some kind of mental issue, you can call NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online. They have excellent courses for us parents and they can offer you information, guidance, support and resources. Give them a call.</p><p></p><p>At some point in a young adult's life it becomes necessary for them to launch and to stop blaming us for their lives, it is now up to your son to figure out his life without dragging you thru the mud and accusing you of bad parenting. Whatever kind of parent you were, and I'm sure you were a good Mom, it is now up to him. </p><p></p><p>I would not engage with him once the blame starts. Let him know you will no longer tolerate his accusations. Stop feeling guilty, it will only keep you wrapped around his blaming finger. You did your best, now let it go. There is nothing left for you to do but to let go. Don't accept the blame. When you do you give him license to not take responsibility for his own life. At 31, he is not a little kid, he is a grown man, an adult, he needs to act like one. He needs to man up and stop blaming Mommy. </p><p></p><p>If he chooses not to speak to you, what is left for you to do is accept his choice and do your level best to have a life of your own. Otherwise all the moments of your own life will be dependent on whatever choice he is presently making. That will set you up to ride the hamster wheel directly into the rabbit hole. Don't do it. If you haven't already, find yourself a good therapist and work thru it with her/him. You don't deserve to be blamed, you did your job, now it's up to him.</p><p></p><p>Take care of yourself now. Put yourself as the priority. Focus on you and your needs. Find ways to enjoy life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 721759, member: 13542"] I'm sorry you are going thru this Alejandra. It is so difficult when our kids act out and treat us badly. There is nothing you can do. You didn't cause this and you can't control it. Your son is an adult, he can choose anything he wants. What we as parents have to do is to learn how to accept what we can't control. Not easy. But necessary for our own well being and peace of mind. I would suggest you read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You might gain some perspective from reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. If your son is depressed or has some kind of mental issue, you can call NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online. They have excellent courses for us parents and they can offer you information, guidance, support and resources. Give them a call. At some point in a young adult's life it becomes necessary for them to launch and to stop blaming us for their lives, it is now up to your son to figure out his life without dragging you thru the mud and accusing you of bad parenting. Whatever kind of parent you were, and I'm sure you were a good Mom, it is now up to him. I would not engage with him once the blame starts. Let him know you will no longer tolerate his accusations. Stop feeling guilty, it will only keep you wrapped around his blaming finger. You did your best, now let it go. There is nothing left for you to do but to let go. Don't accept the blame. When you do you give him license to not take responsibility for his own life. At 31, he is not a little kid, he is a grown man, an adult, he needs to act like one. He needs to man up and stop blaming Mommy. If he chooses not to speak to you, what is left for you to do is accept his choice and do your level best to have a life of your own. Otherwise all the moments of your own life will be dependent on whatever choice he is presently making. That will set you up to ride the hamster wheel directly into the rabbit hole. Don't do it. If you haven't already, find yourself a good therapist and work thru it with her/him. You don't deserve to be blamed, you did your job, now it's up to him. Take care of yourself now. Put yourself as the priority. Focus on you and your needs. Find ways to enjoy life. [/QUOTE]
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