He's back!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, May 16, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well we put him back in jail. He wasnt following anything we had hoped for. We love hiim so much to give him yet another chance - we called the bondsman and had them lock him up until his hearing. I believe we will have to tell the judge that he was not going by our house rules. I know you probably think we are crazy but we have just loved him so much that we couldnt not give him another chance - I really think something else is wrong other than just addiction. It is just beyond me to know what to do now. I hope I am not frustrating anyone and I will use the right smilely face. thanks
  2. mary9461

    mary9461 trying to hang on

    I'm sorry that things didn't go the way you wanted them to. Someone told me that I had to grieve the person I wanted my difficult child to be, because he might not ever become that person. That was a ligthbulb moment for me. I wanted so many things for my son but he didn't see it the same way. Keep praying that God will keep your son safe and that one day he will open his eyes and see what he is doing to his life. It's hard to stand back and watch our children mess up their lives, but there comes a time when they have to be responsible for their actions. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Susan, I know how difficult that was for you to do. He needs to know if he doesn't follow rules there are consequences. It is difficult to give up hope that someday they will "get" it, and we repeatedly tried to help our difficult child, with few positive results. We finally decided we had done everything we could think of and were tired of being used. My difficult child is currently in prison and will be there for five years. I shake my head because I never thought I would have a child in prison.

    Hope you find a way to cope with your son's choices. You can do this.....
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Susan....I revoked bond on Cory this past summer after he went stupid on me and wrote checks on my account to the tune of 1200 bucks. I just couldnt ignore that. We eventually did get him out again after he sat in jail for awhile and he did much better and made darn sure he attended every court date while waiting for the trial to come up. It finally did just this past week and now he is serving his sentence that they gave him in the plea. If he so much as messes up one time he will end up in prison...and he knows it. I dont watch over him, I let the probation officers do that job. He is working which is a good thing. He has a ton of money he has to pay. I dont know if he has realized what a bullet he dodged or not...only time will tell that.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Susan I know that taking that step wasn't easy for you or husband. But I think it was a step in the right direction. difficult child has to learn there are consequences for his actions.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    It is very difficult to have to revoke bond on your own child. I have had to have mine arrested before. You must tell the judge the truth. If not, he will just keep doing what he's been doing. "If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we've always gotten." You have done the same things over and over. This time let the courts handle this.

    Take it out of your hands. Take the guilt out of your heart. Please try to find some peace in your soul that you have done everything you could possibly do. Sometimes loving someone means watching them fall and not picking them up. I like to think back when my kids were young and learning to walk.. I didn't rush to their aid every time they fell. I allowed them to pick themselves up and try again. Let your son pick himself up. It is the only way he will ever learn to walk independenlty.
  7. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member


    Susan, you and your family have been through living h*ll these past weeks. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing ~ both in having your son home, and in calling his bluff when he did not live up to his promise to you, and to himself.

    And I fully agree that you had to give him another chance.

    This is your son we're talking about here, not some stranger on the streets.

    You (and husband and myself, too) have to do everything within our power to help our children go a different way. The problems our children face come with consequences too severe to just let everything slide without being sure there is nothing more we can do. Each of us comes to understand when our own limits have been breached, when our own resources have been exhausted, in her own way and in her own time.


    For myself, I hope you will feel that you can post here about what is happening to you and your family without being afraid of our responses. Each of us arrives at her conclusions about how best to help her child in her own time. For so many of us, the capacity to believe in our children, or to hope that this time, things will be different, has evaporated into thin air. Once that happens, we wish for others to see the things we know without having to go through the years of pain we did, to get to this place, this sad place, where we accept that there is nothing more we can do for our kids.

    I am so sorry this is happening, Susan.

    I am glad you posted this morning.

    I think it is important for us to acknowledge the trauma our children's paths have brought into our lives. I think it is important for us to grieve our losses, and to remember and acknowledge both the love we feel for our children, and the hope we still hold in our hearts for them, however far away a successful outcome seems.

    If we cannot hold faith with our children, if we cannot believe for them that they can do this, can survive the consequences of their actions and go a different direction any time they choose, who can?

    One of the mothers here posted to me once that coming home again ~ even for just a brief visit ~ can sometimes help a child (and my son is still my child, whether he is thirty three or eighty two or twenty) remember who he was. In that remembrance may be the strength he needs to come back to who he was meant to be.

    I still tell my son he was raised better than this.

    I still use the phrases I learned, here on the site, when I have no clue how to respond to him, or when I just don't know how I can face what has happened to all of us.

    We need to hold faith with and for our children.

    Accept the advice you find helpful or healing, here on the Board, and let the rest go.

    Now that you have done all you knew for your son, try to make this a time of healing for yourself and your family.

    Wishing well, Susan.

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am very confused. Are you happy he is back in jail? Happy that you "followed the advice of those here who advised sending him back"? Happy for the peace in your home?

    I truly do not have any clue what you want. From your family, from us, or from yourself. It really is NOT important for ME to know what you want, but it IS important for YOU to know what you want.

    My question is why this one, law-breaking, destructive, violent, stealing child is MORE IMPORTANT than the other children you have? Because he is. That is the message all your obsessing over him sends, to us, and sadly, to your children. At least from the picture I have here.

    What safety plan did you have for your minor child's safety while the 24yr old adult who already has charges that he lead one minor into MAJOR trouble (then blamed it on the minor child to you) was in your home? What did you do to help your youngest child feel safe (because after his stuff was stolen he didn't, and it takes a LONG time to get over the feeling of violation that comes from having your home broken into and your stuff stolen) while you gave his older adult brother "one more chance"?

    You don't have any obligation to answer me. I really don't need an answer. But if you and your husband brought the oldest home without creating a safety plan for your youngest child (that the child was aware of and felt truly SAFE with), tehn you need to be facing that CHILD with apologies and concrete ways to make amends.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Scent of Cedar...you make a very valid point that we all arrive at our line in the sand at different times, that we also have to feel that we have given all that we can, and that we hold out hope for change.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am very sorry. My last few posts to you are not reflective of the supportive friend I strive to be.

    I am sending you a PM, I hope you will read it.


  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Barbara, that was beautifully put.

    I for one believed at one point that I had reached my ultimate limit with stepgfg, that she had crossed a line there was no coming back from. Even then, it didn't mean that I had stopped loving her.

    Now that stepgfg is found I've spent many hours thinking long and hard on forgiveness, parental love, and the eternal HOPE we can have for our children.

    My aunt had told me shortly after stepgfg vanished with the kids and I was so hurt and angry to Never say Never when it comes to your kids. And all these years later I've come to discover how right she was, and her difficult child was much like stepgfg, the situation very similar. My aunt closed the door on her difficult child when her difficult child was at her worst. Years down the road, her stepgfg cleaned up and turned her life around and my aunt was there when she was ready to come back home and join the family.

    Six years later, if stepgfg could convince me she is in recovery and has her life back on track I could easily welcome her back with open arms. A parent's love and hope springs eternal.

    Every parent comes to this cut off point eventually in their own time based on their own experiences. It goes against our nature as parents to simply turn our backs and walk away from a child we've protected, nurtured, and loved for a lifetime.

  12. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member


    Since I have never been in this situation, I don't feel qualified to give you any advice.

    I just want to tell you that I hear what you are saying, and I feel your pain. And I just want to give you a hug. I pray that you have made the right decision.

    Love, Esther
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow, Stands - I am impressed. I know how much courage and strength it must have taken to send him back. I would have had a really hard time with sending my own son back to jail - somehow in our mom heart's we still want to protect and provide - no matter how old they are. But you did the really strong and healthy thing, and you are allowing him to face his own reality. Kudos for you and hubby for continuing to "stand with courage". These kinds of acts will be the kind of boundary setting and discipline that helps set your son free from himself.
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Hopefully Steely! It was hard. We waited and waited to see more signs of positive behavior. Sometimes we saw it and then he lost his job ........ it is bittersweet, peaceful and sad. thanks
  15. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Susan, so sorry for your pain. You know in your heart when it is time to do the next right thing. Really glad to see you back here, have been wondering about you!

  16. peg2

    peg2 Member

    You can't stop helping these children(adult or not) until the line has been crossed in your own mind; they are our children and only you can know when the help must stop. We know when the time is right, everyone has their own tolerance level.
  17. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    ditto what peg2 said!!!!!
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I agree with Peg, but only to the extent of making those decisions for yourselves as parents. The bar of tolerance for harm to your other younger children should be set much lower than what you are willing to tolerate for yourself.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Not knowing what to do is all a part of being a parent. Knowing when to do that which we do not know what to do about is learning to detach. Doing that which we did no know what to do, when we did it and knowing later that it was the right thing to do is all any of us can hope for.

    Hugs for your heart, putting a child back into jail was a tremendously stressful thing and you should take as much time as you need to deal with it. We're here - we care, and we'll hold you up as much as we can while we're trying to hold ourselves up. lol.

    Hugs & Love
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks Star. I appreciate your comments. Sometimes I forget that you all are trying to hold yourselves uup too. I am hear for you too.