He's back

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Signorina

Guest
He is still asleep. No incidents last night. H IS difficult child's bio dad so - no history except a man who was completely besotted with his son 100% the day he was born. Not to mention a man who has given up nearly every workday since last week to deal w this bull. A customer is ****** at him for dropping the ball.

H's brother is an addict- both of h's grandpas were alcoholics-- so there is some genetic whatever there. Fortunately, h was not raised around his grandpas, and his brothers addiction came later in life- long after h & he parted ways.

I have no idea what to do today. Searching his things, calling police, begging him to go to rehab seem futile & a recipe for disaster. I will just let him go and if I have to give him his rent money to get him out, I just might do it. I know it's ludicrous but I don't know what else to do. I can't do this anymore
 
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toughlovin

Guest
Sig,

I think searching his room, calling the police will create more drama and angst... and in the end might not do any good. Good chance he is involved in more than pot... but in the end knowing what doesn't matter that much. You know he has a drug problem and I think you also know that you don't really know the extent of it.. If he is dealing etc. eventually he will probably get caught all on his own.

I do think he needs to be out... and I don't think you should give him the rent money.... although I suppose if you paid the landlord the backrent directly (like you were going to do) just to get him out I could understand that. Tell your son that is it... no more under any circumstances. I would also tell your son that there is no way he can live at home again until he has chosen to get some help and go to rehab. He won't agree now but at least then you have made it clear the condition.

I wouldn't say never about anything because you don't know what will happen and you do want to leave doors open for when he is ready to get help.

If he refused to leave then I would call the police to have them help you get him out.

Hugs I know this will be a tough day for you.

TL
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
I know this sounds trite but let go and let God.

He needs to be out if the house. Is husband staying with you today?

This is not your son. This is the drugs talking and acting this way. Sometimes there is no logical explanation why a person turns to drugs. Every week at the AA meeting there are stories just like yours, good families, loving parents. Drugs have no boundaries.

Nancy
 
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Signorina

Guest
H has to go to an important client meeting at 9 today. Offered to stay home but business is a little shaky and we have bills to pay. We cant let difficult child take anymore from us.

Unlikely difficult child will be awake before then and h will be home afterwards. I will hide out in my room until then. Think I may have a rent check ready & if push comes to shove $644 is worth the peace of mind just to get him OUT b4 the pcs get home from school.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Sig, we paid for difficult child's rent many times just to get her out of the house. It will become a revolving cycle, though, until he gets help.

Another issue is your state law. In my state, you have to go through eviction proceedings to remove someone that lives there . . . whether they pay rent or not. It be might be worth paying his rent for a few months so that he establishes residency somewhere else but you will not be able to let him move back in because that will start everything all over again.

Whatever you decide to do . . . we're behind you.

ETA: I agree that you should never say never. Let him know that he will always be a welcome member of your family when he is clean and sober.

~Kathy
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Oh Sig,
sure understand you wanting difficult child out asap. You are right... they cannot be allowed to ruin everything we have worked for: easy child's opportunities, husband's Job, Your Sanity.

Sig, Nancy is correct...There are no boundaries and yes the drugs are doing the "acting" in difficult child's life right now. This is not your son as stated above...this is addiction leading the way.

My hope is your difficult child will get help soon. My hope is that you and husband and easy child's will recover and survive the damage done by difficult child.

I know you must be on eggshells right now and I also think it important to not show any "fear" to your difficult child. Keeping our wits about us during these times can be so very difficult.

Here for you...Stay Strong.
Hugs,
LMS
 
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Signorina

Guest
I have no idea about eviction law- but difficult child has a lease in his name since sept 2011. Legally changed his address in sept. So, I don't know
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
I am pretty sure if you feel threatened in any way the police will ask him to leave. The best thing of course is for him to leave voluntarily and then change the locks and garage code.

If it was me I would probably pay the rent just so he leaves but would not let him back in and would make getting treatment a condition for further contact. He is badgering you into giving him money. It is as if he was robbing you. His moral compass is gone and there us nothing you can do at this point to fix it.

Nancy
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
Sending very caring thoughts of support your way. You've been in an endurance contest and it's logical that you are worn thin. I can't suggest much with confidence but if for any reason you and husband decide to let him stay around, perhaps you could limit his access to his "traveling" possessions and keep "his" room operating like a short term stay locale. Just off the top of my head it might accomplish two goals. He would not have hiding places for substances amid the debris that difficult child's usually surround themselves with and it "could" make him realize that the room is yours and not "his". on the other hand I have my fingers crossed that he will not be allowed to bring chaos back into your home. You and husband are working as a terrific team and I'm hoping you can accomplish your goals. Hugs. DDD
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Nancy, the police wouldn't make my difficult child leave unless we could prove she stole something or she hurt one of us. We called them one night after husband heard difficult child say she was going to kill me and the police said that it was our word against hers so they couldn't do anything. They told us to start eviction preceedings. I pointed out that she could steal us blind before she finally left and they said there was nothing we could do unless we could prove it and then they could arrest her.

Hopefully, it is different where Sig lives.
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
I also think that by offering him the rent you have dismissed any legal problems of kicking him out without eviction. He wants to leave and is doing so willingly if he gets the money. You are not kicking him out, you are giving him the rules by which he has to live by under your house and that is perfectly legal. He is the one who decided he can't do that.

My biggest worry is that he will wake up and the drugs will have worn off and he will act more compliant and you will be going through this again later tonight. I think it's important that he leave today and if you can accomplish that without a fight that will be good. Once he leaves you are not required to let him back in.

Kathy while I can't say what the legal requirements are in Sig's state I can tell you what the police have told us generically, that if they leave on their own you do not have to let them back. And if you are threatened they will make him leave if only for a few days cooling off period and they can start the eviction work then, but I dont think it will come to that because he wants to leave now and will do so on his own. I'm sorry the police didn;t help you more if difficult child threatened to kill you. Our police were far more helpful to us even when difficult child was a minor. They often asked her if she wanted them to take her in to the station or if she wanted to follow our rules. There is the unruly child law that they could use on him.

And of course she could tell them she thinks there are drugs in his room and then he is in a bit of trouble when they search.

Nancy
 
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Signorina

Guest
difficult child tends to flee- so I don't foresee him staying. I should've let him go last night but it was sleeting & super icy & we have no streetlights or sidewalks here. Hoping he will find someone to pick him up & he will just take off today. I may take his iPad & laptop in swap for the rent which we will overnight to the LL if not- I'll just write the check
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Nancy, I think that part is the same here. If they leave voluntarily, you don't have to let them back. That is why we paid her rent at times, just to get her out and not have to wait through the eviction proceedings.
 
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susiestar

Roll With It
My thoughts of the search and/or drug dog were if he was staying. It would be rather foolish to not search if he is going to stay in her home, in my opinion. She has 2 other kids there and NOT doing all she could to keep drugs out is just dangerous and while no one would say much about her 17yo, at least here the 14yo could attract CPS attention if anyone mentioned difficult child moving home with his drugs to a teacher, therapist, psychiatrist or other doctor.

Laws and customs are different in different areas, but I know parents in our town who have had to do searches etc... to prove to CPS that they were doing all they could to keep a drug abusing adult child from harming their teen children. These teens were NOT of the age to think it was candy, etc... the way a toddler would. It was still a real problem with CPS where one family finally was given the choice of keeping the minor child in the home (15yo) or the adult addicted child and it was CPS making them choose. Of course the addicted child thought they should let the minor leave, and that was a huge shock and finally opened their eyes to the true extent of the disease of addiction.

I know to many of you I seem to go overboard. Part of it is having an older bro who would tell me that I was a "prude" because I never wanted to try drugs and quite often he told me he was going to put drugs in my food, drink, even my mouthwash (why I never used it as a teen - not for any reason) and toiletry products. I was also told he was going to come in while I was asleep and tie me down and either force drugs down my throat or inject them into me - so I could quit being "better" than him. I NEVER thought that - I admired a LOT of the things he accomplished that I knew I could never do (like going to Antarctica). I just thought that he could be so much cooler with-o drugs/alcohol.

I also suggest things because I know what the police and CPS do HERE. We do NOT have CPS that will ignore everything. They are BUSY here largely because they will NOT ignore problems just because no one saw a parent hit a child. Our judges support them and they can do a LOT that I guess they cannot/will not in other areas. Regardless, I do understand that the things I suggest are not feasible for every situation. I also think with minor kids in the house, they must be kept safe.

Sig, I think sending a check to the landlord is find. IF you and H can become resolved and get the pcs to not let him in next time he comes around. Or let him in but with the understanding that a X time he has to go to his residence because your residence is not his until he has gotten help and is drug free and can prove it. Your easy child's NEED you to do that, hard as it will be and even if they say they don't think it is needed.

I really hope and pray that he is soon able to accept the help he needs - for whatever reason. I also hope that you and H can get your life back to an even keel again. I totally understand and support your actions, even if I have other suggestions. I know very well that not every suggestions is right for every family at every or any point in time.
 
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Signorina

Guest
God forgive me- but Susie, I think the goal is to get him out today. I don't expect him to want to stay and I am resigned to sending the check to the LL.

And I am done. Finished, finito. If he walks, he is gone. I am choosing my boys, my h and myself over him. I feel like saving him will be at the expense of everything else. I don't know what I will do if he awakens sheepish and complient. I have gone from feeling worried and wanting to fix him to feeling empty.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Does he have a car? How long are you going to pay the rent? I would suggest a couple of months and tell him that he needs to use that time to find a job and support himself after that. I would also buy him some groceries for the first month.

After that, if he fails, and he will fail if he is doing drugs and drinking, do not let him back!! Insist on a rehab stay and then a halfway house.

One more thing, I know that right now you are so angry and hurt by his actions that you think that you want nothing more to do with him. That feeling will pass and the worry and heartache will be back. Eventually, after recovery, the loving feelings return. It is all part of the process.

~Kathy
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
Kathy is right. It's good to be angry now, it will motivate you to do what you need to do for yourself and your family. It will soften if and when he goes into recovery. The longer he is gone the more resolved you will become that he must go into recovery to regain your support.

I assumed you were going to pay the back rent so that he could move back in and that was all. It sounds like he has a plan to pay forward, even though that plan sounds like it is not legal.

FWIW there was a time at the end where our main goal was to get difficult child out of the house in the most painless and permanent way we could. Almost all sober houses have the goal to make the resident self suficient. They realize it is detrimental to go back to the family home for both them and the family. When difficult child went to the sober house they told her the goal was to go into recovery, get a job and move out on her own and support herself. There was never any talk about her coming back home.

Nancy
 
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Signorina

Guest
I am paying his back rent & feb and no more. I won't enable him & frankly- I can't afford it. He made this bed. He can get a job.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Prepare for angry words (that he means at the time, but doesn't really mean...if that makes sense). In his frame of mind, using drugs, he is not the same person he used to be. You are right in my opinion to choose the rest of the family, including yourself, over him. You can't fix him. You can spend the rest of your life trying (some people do), but he is the only one that can fix himself. It is really out of your hands, but you can still have a good life with the rest of your family.

And some of our kids do see the light...but THEY have to see the light. We can't show it to them until they are ready to see it.

Hugs.
 
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