He's been kicked out of the shelter
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
When we were going through the worst of it, husband saved our marriage by insisting that we begin the practice of Happy Hour. No one else was allowed. No phone to be answered. No television. I could play music.
I chose Dean Martin, chose something old and sweet and a little sexy, something we didn't normally listen to, something that would set that time aside and make it special.
In the beginning, sitting alone with husband was the last thing in the world I wanted to do.
We are still married.
For more than forty years.
:O)
Cedar
I chose Dean Martin, chose something old and sweet and a little sexy, something we didn't normally listen to, something that would set that time aside and make it special.
In the beginning, sitting alone with husband was the last thing in the world I wanted to do.
We are still married.
For more than forty years.
:O)
Cedar
Lil
Well-Known Member
While we aren't anywhere close to needing to "save" our marriage, we did talk a bit last night about what this is doing to us and decided we have to stop letting the stress affect "us". We pretty much live exhausted and just don't have any energy for joy or happiness. He could get his act together and be fine this time next year...or he could be exactly in the position he's in now. We don't want to have our marriage stagnate waiting for him to change.
It was a quiet day. Got a bit teary telling Grandma the news. She sent him $50...though we kind of discouraged...it was her choice and he will need the money after all..with a note that says, "Though we don't approve of things you do, we will always love you, Grandma and Grandpa." We'll give it to him tomorrow.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Another thing that helped so much was hearing the words, from my mate, "I am sorry this is happening to you."
Those words speak of love, and of forgiveness and of ~ I don't know, exactly. Of a kind of certainty that the other guy, the witness, knew you had done well, knew that you did not deserve what was happening. That understanding would ease my heart somehow, down in that place where we try so hard to function around the hurt of it.
husband and I both would say those words.
It mattered that we did, mattered that we heard those words from someone who would surely know.
Cedar
.
Those words speak of love, and of forgiveness and of ~ I don't know, exactly. Of a kind of certainty that the other guy, the witness, knew you had done well, knew that you did not deserve what was happening. That understanding would ease my heart somehow, down in that place where we try so hard to function around the hurt of it.
husband and I both would say those words.
It mattered that we did, mattered that we heard those words from someone who would surely know.
Cedar
.
Lil
Well-Known Member
Well all, I have GOT to remember this in the future.
Took him the money from Grandma after church today and while there, asked him if he'd come up with anything. He said he's gotten a place to stay until the 9th when he gets paid at least and that hopefully then he'll get a roommate or have enough money for an efficiency apartment or something. He said he didn't know if the people he'll be staying with will want any money when he gets paid, but he plans on giving them some. (I suspect he's over-estimating his paycheck amount.) He also has talked with one of the monitors at the shelter and apparently has convinced her that his last write-up was unfair, because his ride bailed on him and he didn't have his phone and that's why he missed his chore. While the head monitor is the one who gave his write-up, the other said she'll talk with the "Big Boss" and see if they'll give him a second chance.
So...we shall see. Point is...I panicked but I did not help. Lo and behold, he managed to figure it out on his own. It's not great, but he's going to survive. He can do this. I need to remember this next time he screws up his life. Even if he doesn't do this well next time, he's not going to freeze to death in the gutter.
Mom has got to quit catastrophizing.
Took him the money from Grandma after church today and while there, asked him if he'd come up with anything. He said he's gotten a place to stay until the 9th when he gets paid at least and that hopefully then he'll get a roommate or have enough money for an efficiency apartment or something. He said he didn't know if the people he'll be staying with will want any money when he gets paid, but he plans on giving them some. (I suspect he's over-estimating his paycheck amount.) He also has talked with one of the monitors at the shelter and apparently has convinced her that his last write-up was unfair, because his ride bailed on him and he didn't have his phone and that's why he missed his chore. While the head monitor is the one who gave his write-up, the other said she'll talk with the "Big Boss" and see if they'll give him a second chance.
So...we shall see. Point is...I panicked but I did not help. Lo and behold, he managed to figure it out on his own. It's not great, but he's going to survive. He can do this. I need to remember this next time he screws up his life. Even if he doesn't do this well next time, he's not going to freeze to death in the gutter.
Mom has got to quit catastrophizing.
Childofmine
one day at a time
You are standing down and he is stepping up. It isn't always a 1/1 ratio but God is good and you are getting this encouraging result.
Like you said---don't forget it.
You are making progress down the long tough road Lil. You really are. And I know how very hard it is to do.
And in time by the grace of God so will your son and he will see that he can learn how to live the life of a functioning adult.
This is our job as parents to somehow someway teach our kids this vital lesson or survival or to get out of the way so they can learn it out there in the big world if that is what they choose.
Stay the course lil. Hang in there. We are here with you.
Like you said---don't forget it.
You are making progress down the long tough road Lil. You really are. And I know how very hard it is to do.
And in time by the grace of God so will your son and he will see that he can learn how to live the life of a functioning adult.
This is our job as parents to somehow someway teach our kids this vital lesson or survival or to get out of the way so they can learn it out there in the big world if that is what they choose.
Stay the course lil. Hang in there. We are here with you.
Lil
Well-Known Member
I admit, I saw worst-case-scenario. I saw either 1) Him quitting his job so he could have a place to sleep nights, or 2) Losing his job because he was unable to find a place to sleep, bathe, whatever, or 3) Showing up on our doorstep in the night begging to come home. I was most afraid of #3. It's one thing to tell him no on the phone. It's another thing to his face. I don't know, if he show up soaked and shivering on our doorstep, if I could turn him away. I don't think I could do it, I really don't.
This has given me some things to think about. While I DO know he is capable...I really DO believe he can take care of himself if he puts his mind to it (intellectually, at least)...when push comes to shove, my brain automatically goes to him shivering in an alley, dirty and hungry and hopeless.
I'm pretty sure that says more about ME than it does about HIM...but I'm not sure what.
This has given me some things to think about. While I DO know he is capable...I really DO believe he can take care of himself if he puts his mind to it (intellectually, at least)...when push comes to shove, my brain automatically goes to him shivering in an alley, dirty and hungry and hopeless.
I'm pretty sure that says more about ME than it does about HIM...but I'm not sure what.
Hugs to you Lil.
I remember a time when I would lose sleep at night worrying about difficult child and was he safe, was he cold, what was he doing, is he eating, etc... I would allow my mind to come up with all kinds of horrible scenarios. It took time but I was finally able to let go of that kind of thinking. My difficult child continued to screw up over and over again and I realized that the only thing coming from all my worrying was me losing sleep and feeling sick. No matter how bad my difficult child's situation is, he always manages something. The most recent was a few weeks ago. He is in a Colo. mountain town and posted on FB that he thought he was going to freeze to death and in just a matter of a few hours he had found shelter. At least your difficult child is willing to go to a shelter, mine won't because there are too many rules.
I love your word "catastrophizing"
Each day we learn a little more, grow a little stronger and let go a little easier.
I remember a time when I would lose sleep at night worrying about difficult child and was he safe, was he cold, what was he doing, is he eating, etc... I would allow my mind to come up with all kinds of horrible scenarios. It took time but I was finally able to let go of that kind of thinking. My difficult child continued to screw up over and over again and I realized that the only thing coming from all my worrying was me losing sleep and feeling sick. No matter how bad my difficult child's situation is, he always manages something. The most recent was a few weeks ago. He is in a Colo. mountain town and posted on FB that he thought he was going to freeze to death and in just a matter of a few hours he had found shelter. At least your difficult child is willing to go to a shelter, mine won't because there are too many rules.
I love your word "catastrophizing"
Each day we learn a little more, grow a little stronger and let go a little easier.
Lil
Well-Known Member
Yep...Up at a certain hour, chore every day, smoking areas, breathalyzer every night...even when he comes in at 3 a.m. from work. But he's stayed since October.
I wish I could learn to not worry. Right now, I look at the corner of my laptop screen and see the time and wonder if he's on his way to work...or if he's overslept and will be late and get fired. I hate it, I really do. When he was off in "college" I never did this. I wasn't supposed to know where he was, so I didn't worry about it. While I'm not supposed to know now, for some reason I still do worry now. Maybe because it's not college...maybe because it's the "real world" and the consequences of failure isn't just an F.
Lil
Well-Known Member
I have a confession to make.
You may have guessed this by my "worst case scenario/catastrophizing" post...but I now realize I DO TEND TO THINK OF HIM AS AN INCOMPETENT CHILD.
There. I admit it.
Intellectually, I know him to be a perfectly capable, intelligent, nearly 20 year old man. Which I want him to be! I really, truly do! Instinctually, however, is another matter entirely. I know that he's completely capable of walking into a bank and opening an account or filling out a rental application. But my gut tells me he can't do it unless someone (probably me) shows him how.
I was just telling Jabber this and he suggested to me that it's the "mother" equivalent of what he calls the "Lizard Brain"; the reptilian brain that controls all animals fight or flight response (the basal ganglia of the forebrain,for those of you scientifically inclined). He said it's like if an intruder breaks in to the house, his "lizard brain" would make him automatically attack, whereas when my son has a crisis my "mother/lizard brain" makes me automatically rush to the rescue.
I said, "How could I be like this? I wasn't raised like this? I've been on my own since I was 23 and my mom died!" He gently pointed out my aunts...who are feeders. I then recalled an incident where he and I were at an aunts and had dinner. Afterwards, she insisted on dessert. We were watching our food and losing weight and declined. It went like this:
Aunt: "Time for dessert."
Us: "No thanks, we're trying to lose weight."
"But I bought cheesecake."
"Well you go ahead."
"I have whipped cream."
"No. Thank you."
"How about ice cream?"
"No thanks"
"But I have strawberries."
"Ok...we'll have strawberries."
"With cheesecake?"
"No."
"With ice cream?"
We had the cheesecake. With strawberries. And I think whipped cream.
That's right...we apparently weren't bright enough to know we didn't want dessert.
I come from a long line of women who think their job is to nurture. They take care of you. They feed you. They wait on you. They'd probably massage your feet if you asked.
This all came to light today when I texted my son to ask if he wanted a scarf. He's been wearing a nice, wool, dress coat he got from the shelter, but it doesn't button to the neck and it's about to drop to single digits. He didn't respond to the first text and I sent a second that said, "Well, let me know, and if you are out of the shelter." He responded that he got a different coat and that he was out of the shelter, but that he thinks he has everything all sorted, so it's all good. While being pleased, and congratulating myself on NOT asking him where he's staying and how he's getting around, my brain went to bank accounts and if he knows he needs to open one when he gets paid.
OF COURSE HE KNOWS! If he doesn't, someone will tell him! I don't have to do it! Jeeze woman!
So...I will be working on controlling the "Mother/Lizard Brain". (Not to be confused with the "Mother Lizard brain"...since mother lizards aren't known to be terribly nurturing. lol
Lil the lizard.
You may have guessed this by my "worst case scenario/catastrophizing" post...but I now realize I DO TEND TO THINK OF HIM AS AN INCOMPETENT CHILD.
There. I admit it.
Intellectually, I know him to be a perfectly capable, intelligent, nearly 20 year old man. Which I want him to be! I really, truly do! Instinctually, however, is another matter entirely. I know that he's completely capable of walking into a bank and opening an account or filling out a rental application. But my gut tells me he can't do it unless someone (probably me) shows him how.
I was just telling Jabber this and he suggested to me that it's the "mother" equivalent of what he calls the "Lizard Brain"; the reptilian brain that controls all animals fight or flight response (the basal ganglia of the forebrain,for those of you scientifically inclined). He said it's like if an intruder breaks in to the house, his "lizard brain" would make him automatically attack, whereas when my son has a crisis my "mother/lizard brain" makes me automatically rush to the rescue.
I said, "How could I be like this? I wasn't raised like this? I've been on my own since I was 23 and my mom died!" He gently pointed out my aunts...who are feeders. I then recalled an incident where he and I were at an aunts and had dinner. Afterwards, she insisted on dessert. We were watching our food and losing weight and declined. It went like this:
Aunt: "Time for dessert."
Us: "No thanks, we're trying to lose weight."
"But I bought cheesecake."
"Well you go ahead."
"I have whipped cream."
"No. Thank you."
"How about ice cream?"
"No thanks"
"But I have strawberries."
"Ok...we'll have strawberries."
"With cheesecake?"
"No."
"With ice cream?"
We had the cheesecake. With strawberries. And I think whipped cream.
That's right...we apparently weren't bright enough to know we didn't want dessert.
I come from a long line of women who think their job is to nurture. They take care of you. They feed you. They wait on you. They'd probably massage your feet if you asked.This all came to light today when I texted my son to ask if he wanted a scarf. He's been wearing a nice, wool, dress coat he got from the shelter, but it doesn't button to the neck and it's about to drop to single digits. He didn't respond to the first text and I sent a second that said, "Well, let me know, and if you are out of the shelter." He responded that he got a different coat and that he was out of the shelter, but that he thinks he has everything all sorted, so it's all good. While being pleased, and congratulating myself on NOT asking him where he's staying and how he's getting around, my brain went to bank accounts and if he knows he needs to open one when he gets paid.
OF COURSE HE KNOWS! If he doesn't, someone will tell him! I don't have to do it! Jeeze woman!
So...I will be working on controlling the "Mother/Lizard Brain". (Not to be confused with the "Mother Lizard brain"...since mother lizards aren't known to be terribly nurturing. lol
Lil the lizard.
Lil
Well-Known Member
I think you might be a little behind. He's apparently got a place to stay, at least until he gets paid. One day at a time.
Thanks!
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
Lil, I did sorta like this almost a year ago. We were in process of detaching from our difficult child. About half of his emails trying to get $$ mentioned his broken pinky.....the pain, the agony, etc.
A couple times I emailed "Please go to emergency room". And....then....it hit me. difficult child knew about emergency rooms! Most 32yo do. He wanted money, nothing else. He was playing me.
grrrrrrrrr
A couple times I emailed "Please go to emergency room". And....then....it hit me. difficult child knew about emergency rooms! Most 32yo do. He wanted money, nothing else. He was playing me.
grrrrrrrrr
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I agree.
I am learning to separate what I can, and what I cannot, take responsibility for.
This is an important distinction.
I think it may be a distinction vital to my survival. It truly is a distinction that will determine how I see myself, as I continue to process difficult child daughter's beating and the part my own beginning detachment skills did or did not play in that ultimate outcome.
There was a mom here on the site once, who had put her addicted difficult child out. He was killed. The mother had a second son. He became an addict.
She put him out, too.
And that saved his life.
Sometimes, we have no choice. We know helping is hurting them in the long run.
And the rest is up to them.
But, yeah. Consequences in the real world are so much worse than an F.
I remember when I got that piece relative to difficult child son. That happened around the issue of verbal abuse. I've posted about it in other threads, so I won't go into the details. The issue I got though was that I was disrespecting him by assuming he could not control either his anger or his speech.
I am his mother. If I allow or tolerate certain behaviors or if I buy into the "I need money I can't do it I need help a phone a car...." on some level, difficult child son is going to believe those things about himself.
Here is my other thought on this piece: Every mom tends to view her children like...like a mom views her children.
Those of us with difficult child children have to be stronger, and wiser, than that.
We have had to learn to be very strong, in so many ways.
Cedar
Childofmine
one day at a time
Lil that is a huge realization that you just posted about. Again---you are making daily progress and it is apparent. Yay!!!
You are on the path to peace for yourself. Keep on walking. Keep moving forward.
This is the best path not only for you but for your son.
As you are more and more able to stop interrupting his life with your "help" he will have space and time and distance to continue making the necessary mistakes he needs to make to grow into a fully functioning adult. It won't be pretty but it will be HIS.
What a gift you are giving him Lil. This is the greatest gift we can ever give any of our children---to continue loving them while getting out of their way.
Kudos!
You are on the path to peace for yourself. Keep on walking. Keep moving forward.
This is the best path not only for you but for your son.
As you are more and more able to stop interrupting his life with your "help" he will have space and time and distance to continue making the necessary mistakes he needs to make to grow into a fully functioning adult. It won't be pretty but it will be HIS.
What a gift you are giving him Lil. This is the greatest gift we can ever give any of our children---to continue loving them while getting out of their way.
Kudos!
