He's coming back

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Sep 28, 2014.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    I called my ex husband yesterday to ask a question about my trip to Australia. After we discussed it, he said,
    "Well here's something that might influence your decision. difficult child told me that he spoke to his probation officer and she said he could transfer it from Colorado to Illinois. She called the Mission where he used to live and they said they would accept him back into their program. The girlfriend's mom has agreed to lend him the money for a train ride. So he will be back in Illinois at the end of the week".

    I'm absolutely horrified. The more I think about it, the less I believe it. I mean any of the arrangements that have been put into place. I think he just wants to take his chances and go into hiding.

    I can't take the pressure of him having this kind of access to me. I know it's cowardly but the 1,000 mile distance between us has been blissful. Yes, I can escape to Australia, but I can't stay there forever.

    I need a crash course in dealing with him again. Help.
     
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Talk to the other mom. Make it very clear that your son is not welcome in your home and that you have no intention of helping him in any way.

    Ask her not to buy that ticket.

    If you can do it, move up your departure to Australia.

    Cedar
     
  3. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    To be honest, Cedar, I don't believe she would buy him a ticket. He might have told her it was for something else. Or now that he is back with the daughter, I wouldn't be surprised if she asked her mom for the money to give to him.

    Maybe he's bringing HER with him?

    He was supposed to go over to my ex's place yesterday, to pay him back $40. He didn't show.

    Not looking good.
     
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I don't think these kind of things are "fast tracked" so hopefully it will fall through.
     
  5. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    2much-I agree with you, but I seriously doubt that that conversation took place.

    I truly think that he is running from the law and that he is imagining that Illinois will give him the anonymity he is seeking.

    But his history shows that he will get into trouble if he is using. And he wants to, so he will.

    I really want to stop living in fear.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Go to Austrailia, but change your locks and tell the cops to drive by often to make sure nobody is inside.

    Repeat that he is not allowed home. Didn't he tell you he wanted nothing from you? Well, now's the time to prove it. You don't want to harbor a fugitive. They won't care that you are his mother. Make sure he knows you will call the cops if he steps on your property. That should deter him.

    Personally, if it were me, any time I spoke with him I would urge him to turn himself in. If he wouldn't, I'd feel uncomfortable talking to him. He is not caring who he puts into danger.

    Although he may not come, it is good to be proactive and prepare in case he does.
     
  7. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks MWM for your input! The domestic situation I'm in means that he no longer has a home to come to. I currently share an apartment with a roomie whom I love dearly. I would NEVER subject her to him!

    Also, I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will NEVER live with him again. I was always the target for his rage and I just will never open that door again.

    Unfortunately, he now knows my address. The last two places I lived, I made sure that he didn't know where I actually lived. Because he was in jail in Colorado, I would send him stuff and had to use my mailing address. So if he DOES show up here, there is a possibility that he could find me...

    But I DO have the advantage of being able to call the cops if I feel threatened. If he has transferred his probation legitimately, I will eat my hat.
     
  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I feel the exact same way about my difficult child.
     
  9. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Stay strong, 2m2r! I'm right there with ya!
     
  10. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Seems like you're being bamboozled by all three of them. Please take Scent of Cedar's advice and do just that. I feel like you are being ganged up on.
     
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BG when are you leaving for Australia? It may be prudent to just disappear there for awhile. As I recall, your best friend lives there and you were at one point thinking about getting a job there right? This may be the ideal time to check out and go enjoy yourself thousands of miles away. Keep your eyes opened for unexpected opportunities along the way.........

    Just to put a different spin on it, I have found that sometimes life hands us what appears to be a severe limitation which forces a reaction which puts us in a position to be available for a big change..........stay open to unique new possibilities..........and keep yourself safe.......take care of YOU now.
     
  12. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    RE, I was looking at tickets this weekend but I am now questioning all of my decisions.

    I talked with the girlfriend's mother yesterday. She is still fighting for him. Says he has been drinking heavily and drugging. He failed a drug test and this is a violation of his probation so there is now a warrant out for his arrest. There is no doubt that he will get caught and then he will be going to PRISON.

    I just don't have the inner resources to cope with this. I thought I did, but now I just feel beaten down by it all.
     
  13. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    From what you have written - prison is a safer place for him and for you. You can deal, you will deal!:cheerful:
     
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Keep looking at tickets BG, continue with your life. Find some kind of support system as soon as possible for yourself, whether it be a 12 step group, therapy, anything at all. In order for you to replenish those inner resources, YOU have to fill yourself up with support, self care and nurturing. This path depletes us and when we are empty it becomes very difficult to cope, the stress is overwhelming. The way out of that is to nourish yourself back to health with support. Today, right now, make a choice, do something just for you. Make those reservations, get a massage, call a therapist, find a 12 step group, go to a yoga class, anything. And, every single day, do something kind for yourself.

    Your son is in his own orbit of his own choosing, you are in yours, separate from him. There is nothing you can do for him now, you cannot fix it or control it and you sure didn't cause it. The very best thing you can do is to take care of YOU. Resume your own life, take it back and make a conscious effort to focus on yourself. I think the best thing you can do is to make those reservations to go to Australia, you staying here ruminating about your son does him no good and hurts you and depletes you. You have a chance to get out of Dodge, take it. You will be surprised at how a change in scenery will shift your perspective in ways you never even thought of. When we are as depleted and worn out as you are, it's hard to make decisions and continue down our own paths.............do this for yourself, GO. Make the reservations today and leave. Go take care of you and be with your best friend. You can nurture yourself back to feeling strong and healthy.

    Love yourself BG, take care of yourself. Continue down your own path now. You deserve a break from all of this, take it.
     
  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    BG I am sorry that this news has you in a tailspin and I understand. As you well know, you cannot control what he does. He is spinning and he will find a way to spin until he decides to stop or until he is stopped.

    If you can----let go. Just let go.

    Take a deep breath and turn your focus back to yourself. Don't waste any more time talking to girlfriend's mother or your ex.

    Go to Australia. Just get physically away and let go of whatever is happening back home.

    You are the most important person in this story. Your story. Your life.

    Your son has his life to live and it sounds very much like it will play out soon----without any involvement from you.

    You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

    Let go BG and get back to your own life.

    Your son is right where he is due to his own choices and nothing will change until he decides he wants to change.

    Warm hugs. Go! You deserve the best.


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  16. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    BG,

    at some point I realized that if I continued to react when difficult child did something new, whether it was a good something, a bad something, a request, or anything else, that I would spend my life...being reactive! I don't want that. I want my life to be intentional.

    You laid out some really good intentions a few months back, and they included the visit to Colorado and a trip to Australia. I was surprised and impressed when you ticked off number one...now go tick off number two! Be intentional, not reactive, and especially not reactive to some one as sadly dysfunctional as your difficult child.

    You go girl. I wanna hear about down under.

    Echo
     
  17. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks Echo for the push I need.
    It's looking more appealing by the minute...
     
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