He's Driving Me "Nvts"

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nvts, Jan 25, 2008.

  1. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    You know, I don't feel guilty saying right now that I'm not liking my 9 yr. old dude lately.

    He's driving me insane. Morning, noon and night it's the same thing. I want to take that "chip" that's perpetually on his shoulder and stick it where the sun don't shine.

    Every morning it's the same g.d. thing. You try and get him up pleasantly and he's wound up like a spring. He yells at his brother and sister CONSTANTLY. "Shut up" "get out of my room" "stay on your side" and then the every other second "no". I've tried matter of fact, I've tried kindness, I've tried joking, I've tried understanding. He's just full of p!ss and vinegar. 24-7. He goes to bed the same way.

    Therapy this week was a flipping joke. I finally informed him and his therapist that I'll show up 2 more times and if it seems that we're trying to work and HE'S not, I'm not coming. Until he recognizes that HE'S the one with the problem, it can't be fixed and I'm sick of wasting my time. The last 3 sessions were BS of trying to drag it out so that he could ride home with me rather than finish the day at school.

    One must keep in mind that although family therapy is once a month, I volunteered to come an extra session every month so that we can help him.

    They refuse to work with the Aspergers issues until he gets his conduct into the human level. He can't get it to the human level until I can figure out if the Concerta/Strattera (he's been on the concerta for 3 years, the strattera for 2 months) is increasing his aggression/aggitation or do we need to add a mood stablizer. I'm on the internet constantly trying to research and he spends an average of 2 days in the Crisis room at school.

    When he's in crisis now, everything escalates - now with throwing chairs and running (he hasn't run out of rooms in 3 years).

    husband was out of work for almost 2 years, went through a depression, we almost split up, found a position at the beginning of December and is too tired to spend time with this kid by the end of the day. This is now an additional excuse for why the behavior is getting worse.

    There reasons this kid gives are as follows:
    you don't even love me
    Dad doesn't play Yugioh with me
    everyone's an idiot
    the school *****
    I hate my brother
    I hate my sister
    I hate my para
    Dad's stupid and a bully
    You are mean and don't care
    I was restrained in school
    James in class is a jerk (insert name of any kid here)
    School breakfast svcked
    School lunch svcked
    the teacher is stupid and boring
    math is stupid (insert name of subject here)
    reading is boring
    etc, etc, etc

    Anyone seeing a theme that he has absolutely NO responsibility for what he's doing?

    My hands hurt, my coffee is ice cold, and I'm beat. I'll stop here.

    Thanks for the rant!

    Beth

    :stopglass:
     
  2. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I'm sorry & I understand exactly what you mean by saying you are not liking him lately. I'm not liking mine AT ALL these days either. It really stinks to start the day off with loudness of a battle field...I can relate & then it continues as the day goes on:biting:. I sure hope upcoming therapy sessions have a turn around for you. Warm up that coffee & find a way to do something for YOU!:bath:
     
  3. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Beth,

    I'm so sorry you're going through this absolute HE77. I honestly think I
    understand how you feel. In fact, in some ways, your situation is sort of like mine - We both have three kids, close together in age, the two oldest male difficult children with Aspergers and assorted other "fun" stuff. The difference being my youngest daughter is a easy child (However, don't make me define easy child this morning, lol), and yours is a difficult child. I have enough difficulties with two difficult children - I can only imagine how much harder life must be for you with three difficult children!!!

    I wish I had some great advice for you instead of just a shoulder to lean on... Anyway, I agree with you that you have to make sure he is getting the appropriate dosages and types of medication before much progress can be made with his totally unacceptable behavior. From personal experience with difficult child 1, no amount of therapy helped at all until we found the right combo of medications. difficult child 1 definitely needed a mood stabilizer. For us it was a blessing!!!

    Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your husband is being supportive or helpful right now. Also, from personal experience, until husband and I got on the same page, and husband spent more time with difficult child 1, difficult child 1's behavior only got worse. From what you wrote, it seems like your husband is still a bit fragile emotionally. However, it is unfair of him to be able to escape spending time with difficult child by claiming he is too tired. You're tired too!!! I think your husband needs to understand this. He needs to give you some "me" time.

    I honestly wish I could help you. I know the pain you're going through. I still struggle with many of the same issues you do. All I know is that I had to get very assertive and let husband know how bad things for me really were. I used to be the "peace keeper" but after years of doing this, I found that all it did was wear me down and make me resent husband. Now, when I need more help from husband, I make my feelings known.

    I also have to do all of the research when it comes to finding help for difficult children. This is a full time job in itself. It is difficult and frustrating on the best of days. And, it is just plain discouraging on the worst of days...

    All I know, is that your a great :warrior:mom. Try to get some time to yourself this weekend. Try to get husband to watch the kids. You need a break!!!

    Sending lots of cyber hugs...WFEN
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Beth...

    I dont blame you for feeling this way. At various times I felt this way too. Still do from time to time. I am not much liking my youngest right now at all!

    The excuses sound so familiar...nothing is ever their fault. Though according to my son and my mother I dont know how it can be all those other peoples faults because everything that goes wrong in the world is MY fault! You see, I am responsible for everything from world hunger to hurricanes...lol. I am quite certain that if an astroid were to hit the earth I would have caused that too. So tell your son that it cant be your fault...its some lady online's fault...but he will have to learn to deal with it because she is so far away that he cant control her...lmao!
     
  5. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I am not much help lately but I can send you some hugs. Don't forget to try and take care of yourself.

    Hugs
    Beth
     
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Beth, I agree with WFEN that nothing can go forward until you straighten the medication piece out. Although my son doesn't have AS -- he has a mood disorder -- we just went through a similar situation with getting his medications right. He was extremely oppositional and emotionally shut down before he went into day treatment. Now that he feels better with a new medication mix, the oppositional behavior is lifting and we can go on to the next stage (in his case, being able to attend to school).

    Some basic rules of medication changes that I've learned over the many years of medication trials with my kids:
    Make one medication change at a time so you know what is doing what.
    Start low and go slow (we sometimes start even lower than the drug company recommends).
    Give the medication time to work before adding or subtracting.
    Ask yourself: Is he better or worse than before the medication change?

    This last question is particularly important in your difficult child 1's case. Is he better or worse since Strattera was added? And is he better or worse since the Concerta dose was increased? If he's worse, it's an easy decision to dump Strattera and get a new read on baseline behavior with only Concerta on board. The new baseline will determine whether you lower the Concerta, change to a new stimulant or add something else to address residual symptoms. You should also be aware that over time Concerta can cause mood issues, most notably depression (it happened to my son after 1.5 years).

    Some other thoughts for you: I don't know many 9-year-olds, much less 9-year-olds with AS, who take responsibility for their behaviors. While we as parents want that and even expect that, I think it's unrealistic at this point (given age and neurological makeup) but definitely something to work toward as he grows and matures. I'm sure you've read The Explosive Child, but I think Greene's theories bear reviewing. The struggle to take responsibility isn't about parent vs child but parent working with child to make it happen.

    One more question for you: I don't pretend to know more about AS than what I've read on this board, but wouldn't working with his AS issues help with his behaviors? This just seem intuitive to me.

    I'm sorry you're struggling so. I hope you find ways to make some inroads with difficult child 1 soon.
     
  7. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    I understand you totally. My difficult child decided this morning was the morning she was going to bother her little brother until he screams bloddy murder. I just tell myself everyday before i drop her off at school. "Today you will have a good day. Today you will obey all rules. Today you will respect all teachers" and so on." Its mostly to keep my sanity then to get her mind set to be good.
     
  8. Calista

    Calista New Member

    Okay here's my 2cents. I have an Aspie and I could not stand to be in the same room with him for about a year. I cried all the time because I felt guilty because I "hated" him. It was the medications. It really was. I was so relieved after we got them straight that it wasn't him and it wasn't me and it was fixable. Strattera was HORRIBLE for my difficult child. It worked great for the first month or two and then he turned into this Demon child. Stims in general are also HORRIBLE for my difficult child. They eliminated what little frustration tolerance and personality he had. We are now worked on getting his mood stabilizer to a therapuetic level without him throwing it up. THEN, we will try another stimulant because the child is ADHD to the MAX. Fortunately, God has blessed us with a psychiatrist who really seems to understand and he is reachable, often returning phone calls within 2 hours. He can also sqeeze us in at anytime in case of emergency. I'm no doctor but, I'd place money on the medications!
     
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Definitely look at the medications. Another thing, too....where is his anxiety level? When Wynter's goes up, so does the behavior like you're describing with the 'it's stupid' and 's/he's stupid' or 's/he's mean'.

    ((((hugs)))))
     
  10. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    been there done that. Boy have I been there done that. Still doing it too. Nothing is his fault, he doesn't need the "team" (i.e. someone accompanying him to class to help him stay on track), they don't do anything for him (i.e. give him the answers so he doesn't have to do the work), the teachers don't help, the teachers are jerks, blah blah blah blah blah. Cry me a river.

    I wish I could give you some helpful advice but as of yet, I haven't figured out how to light a fire under that boy's backside myself. (Didn't someone say Star was running around with a blow torch? :devil2: ) Sending lots of hugs and understanding though.
     
  11. PersonalEnigma

    PersonalEnigma New Member

    I would try dropping the Strattera. I just took difficult child off Strattera after a short trial run as it very much increased his aggressiveness, irratability and hyperactivity. Then you can reassess the Concerta. It made a HUGE difference to have difficult child back off his medications - he's himself again! He's still a difficult child, but nothing like he was on Strattera.
     
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to send major hugs. I have lived exactly what you are talking about for 17 years. Sigh.
    Still waiting for the answers.:badmood:
    Definitely some days are better than others.......and some time periods better than others.
     
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Beth,

    I just wanted to jump in quick and say i'm sorry and you know i totally can understand that feeling. I had it this morning and it took me back a bit but it was sooo there. You are a great Mom and so so strong and such a wonderful advocate for him. The way you spoke your mind regarding the therapy.

    You should take sometime for yourself. I have learned or rather I am learning bc some woman in this website I joined...LOL...are teaching me to ask for help when you need it. so ask for you this weekend and do something that makes me you happy even if it's just taking a walk. you deserve that.

    Hugs to you

    Jen :)
     
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Beth,
    Your difficult child sounds similar to mine in the reasons he gives for misbehaving. Never his fault-nope! Many gentle hugs-I feel your pain.
     
  15. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    It's so great to have so many kindred spirits with you guys!

    WFEN: omgosh, we are living a VERY similar existance. difficult child 3 will probably revert to easy child status once she gets her anxiety under control. Personally, I think a lot of it has to do with watching difficult child 1 handle things and not knowing the best way to handle her own feelings. She loves her therapist and is doing BEAUTIFULLY in her new school.

    I'm definately looking into the medications issue. For that I can't thank you guys enough. I've had my concerns with the concerta and whether or not 3 years is a long time and if it could be a "resistance" sort of thing and whether or not the Strattera was doing it's own dance. You all gave me specific stuff to consider (although you were all kind enough not to consider that he truly COULD be the Demon Seed!! lol). :devil2:

    After the last therapy session and my tantrum, I requested a copy of the BIP that he has on file. What a joke! If I could scan it in and show it to you, you'd be convinced that a high school student wrote it. So...I'm doing my own and giving to his therapist and insisting that it be the format that I'm providing. I kid you not - this thing that they handed me was ridiculously inadequate.

    So, once again, I take "keyboard in hand" and thank you my family for pushing me over this rough patch. I hate to admit it, but most of you were saying that you feel sorry for my pain, but I don't think that you realize the pain isn't currently in my Mommy heart it's in my Mommy...oh, well, you know where!!! (I'll give you a hint: it sounds the same as the beginning of Aspergers!!!)!

    :rofl::rofl::rofl:

    Thanks again everyone...you're such a great group of friends!

    Beth
     
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