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<blockquote data-quote="WSM" data-source="post: 277658" data-attributes="member: 5169"><p>Went to therapist tonight (he's a pediatric neuropsychologist who worked 7 years in a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)). He gave the name of another psychiatrist if we wanted to change and suggested we finish out the month with the depakote and see what happens. In short, he didn't give much direction or opinion one way or another. husband is going to research depakote and decide about which medication to go with. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't seem to think much this time about or feel urgent about difficult child going into residential except that maybe we as a family are all burned out. Last time he was saying: "He's very disturbed, very very disturbed, and needs immediate treatment" and pushed us into the psychiatric hospital (and $700). This week he proposed the dread behavior modification plan.</p><p> </p><p>God I hate behavior modification plans. EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY therapist want to 'start over' and try a behavior modification plan. </p><p> </p><p>And they never work. And they cause trouble between husband and me. </p><p> </p><p>So now we have to come up with three levels of responsibility and rewards, and if difficult child performs well at 80%, he gets his reward. </p><p> </p><p>So there should be five behaviors, telling the truth, being where he's supposed to be, respecting property, saying please and thank you (never an issue-ever), and putting his plate in the sink after dinner (never ever was this a problem). </p><p> </p><p>Of course I asked 'how do we know if he's telling the truth? How can we quantify it to decide whether he gets his reward?'. Well, you ask questions you know the answer to: did you go to school today, did you have dinner, etc... Great: this is where husband and I are going to have problems: husband will ask "Are you holding a fork? Are you eating potatoes, are you wearing shoes, do you have red hair?" and I'll ask, "Did you stab that stuffed animal?" He'll tell the truth 4 times and lie about the stuffed animal once and his score will be 80% and he'll get his reward, although his behavior changed not one bit. </p><p> </p><p>There'll be: well today he didn't throw away his shoes, he didn't break his lamp, he didn't rip a book, he didn't cut his clothing, he didn't throw syrup all over his room, but he did spray paint his wall." Again, 80% and he gets a reward. (even tho other professionals have said you don't reward for not doing bad things...should every kid get a reward for not throwing away their shoes?)</p><p> </p><p>ANd if after three or four weeks, he keeps failing, that means his tasks are too hard, so they will be rewritten to make it possible for him to be rewarded.</p><p> </p><p>Also, it gives great scope to husband and me to argue over what is a lie and just a misunderstanding or a difference of perspective or what might really be true, give him the benefit of the doubt. And did he really wander the neighborhood or not. Or steal the money or not. I want to cry.</p><p> </p><p>And then it will be once again, "You're just the stepmother, I'LL decide" of course, then when real trouble comes, it's "I want us to be a team" (and did I mention the therapist at the psychiatric hospital said I was essential to helping fix the problems and perhaps even more crucial than husband?). </p><p> </p><p>husband is salivating at giving difficult child rewards at any pretext. He believes in bribing difficult child to behave even though he won't admit that's what it is and knows it has never worked in the past--not ever. But it makes difficult child like him better. </p><p> </p><p>Sigh....</p><p> </p><p>The other problem is this business of 'starting over'. No. I will not. I will not roll over and expose my belly to this kid. We have safe guards in place that help reduce stress a bit, I will not dismantle them to 'give difficult child a chance'. A fact of life that everyone, even difficult children who can't help it and didn't ask for these problems in their lives have to live with is if you screw someone over often enough they will not trust you and that will have unpleasant consequences for you. If you screw someone over enough, they will learn to protect themselves from you and it might not make you happy how they do it. </p><p> </p><p>It's unfair and I will not consent to giving up lessons learned. And I've learned difficult child cannot be trusted AT ALL and must have his hands watched every single solitary moment. Sorry, it's an unpleasant reality, but it's something we've learned the hard way and at great cost. We aren't going to pretend it doesn't exist. No, I refuse to 'start over'. Any behavior modification plan is going to have to take into consideration the need of EVERYONE in the family to be comfortable with it.</p><p> </p><p>I am so discouraged. </p><p> </p><p>I hate behavior modification plans. One thing I know, is if we persist, difficult child will sabotage the effort and it's likely this therapist will give it up, like most of the others have. Then maybe we can get real help.</p><p> </p><p>Except probably we can't because it doesn't exist and difficult child isn't yet dangerous enough to get the government involved.</p><p> </p><p>I'm very depressed about the whole thing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WSM, post: 277658, member: 5169"] Went to therapist tonight (he's a pediatric neuropsychologist who worked 7 years in a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)). He gave the name of another psychiatrist if we wanted to change and suggested we finish out the month with the depakote and see what happens. In short, he didn't give much direction or opinion one way or another. husband is going to research depakote and decide about which medication to go with. He didn't seem to think much this time about or feel urgent about difficult child going into residential except that maybe we as a family are all burned out. Last time he was saying: "He's very disturbed, very very disturbed, and needs immediate treatment" and pushed us into the psychiatric hospital (and $700). This week he proposed the dread behavior modification plan. God I hate behavior modification plans. EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY therapist want to 'start over' and try a behavior modification plan. And they never work. And they cause trouble between husband and me. So now we have to come up with three levels of responsibility and rewards, and if difficult child performs well at 80%, he gets his reward. So there should be five behaviors, telling the truth, being where he's supposed to be, respecting property, saying please and thank you (never an issue-ever), and putting his plate in the sink after dinner (never ever was this a problem). Of course I asked 'how do we know if he's telling the truth? How can we quantify it to decide whether he gets his reward?'. Well, you ask questions you know the answer to: did you go to school today, did you have dinner, etc... Great: this is where husband and I are going to have problems: husband will ask "Are you holding a fork? Are you eating potatoes, are you wearing shoes, do you have red hair?" and I'll ask, "Did you stab that stuffed animal?" He'll tell the truth 4 times and lie about the stuffed animal once and his score will be 80% and he'll get his reward, although his behavior changed not one bit. There'll be: well today he didn't throw away his shoes, he didn't break his lamp, he didn't rip a book, he didn't cut his clothing, he didn't throw syrup all over his room, but he did spray paint his wall." Again, 80% and he gets a reward. (even tho other professionals have said you don't reward for not doing bad things...should every kid get a reward for not throwing away their shoes?) ANd if after three or four weeks, he keeps failing, that means his tasks are too hard, so they will be rewritten to make it possible for him to be rewarded. Also, it gives great scope to husband and me to argue over what is a lie and just a misunderstanding or a difference of perspective or what might really be true, give him the benefit of the doubt. And did he really wander the neighborhood or not. Or steal the money or not. I want to cry. And then it will be once again, "You're just the stepmother, I'LL decide" of course, then when real trouble comes, it's "I want us to be a team" (and did I mention the therapist at the psychiatric hospital said I was essential to helping fix the problems and perhaps even more crucial than husband?). husband is salivating at giving difficult child rewards at any pretext. He believes in bribing difficult child to behave even though he won't admit that's what it is and knows it has never worked in the past--not ever. But it makes difficult child like him better. Sigh.... The other problem is this business of 'starting over'. No. I will not. I will not roll over and expose my belly to this kid. We have safe guards in place that help reduce stress a bit, I will not dismantle them to 'give difficult child a chance'. A fact of life that everyone, even difficult children who can't help it and didn't ask for these problems in their lives have to live with is if you screw someone over often enough they will not trust you and that will have unpleasant consequences for you. If you screw someone over enough, they will learn to protect themselves from you and it might not make you happy how they do it. It's unfair and I will not consent to giving up lessons learned. And I've learned difficult child cannot be trusted AT ALL and must have his hands watched every single solitary moment. Sorry, it's an unpleasant reality, but it's something we've learned the hard way and at great cost. We aren't going to pretend it doesn't exist. No, I refuse to 'start over'. Any behavior modification plan is going to have to take into consideration the need of EVERYONE in the family to be comfortable with it. I am so discouraged. I hate behavior modification plans. One thing I know, is if we persist, difficult child will sabotage the effort and it's likely this therapist will give it up, like most of the others have. Then maybe we can get real help. Except probably we can't because it doesn't exist and difficult child isn't yet dangerous enough to get the government involved. I'm very depressed about the whole thing. [/QUOTE]
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