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He's never going to move out
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 268058" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Well........I don't know how you're doing it actually. I just had this exact same conversation with someone else (not on the board) and I think it's a matter of what you can and are able to deal with. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If you are going to have him stay - I think there has to be a written contract & rules. THis protects you as well as him. Lots of hard/hurt feelings can be avoided by each party knowing what the rules are.</p><p> </p><p>If your husband refuses to set rules and a moving out date? Then give HIM a date to have it done by or turn the solution making over to you. </p><p> </p><p>I know he's your husbands son - but my feelings are this - rules are available for Monopoly, Wii, crossing the street - but when it comes to living together - the REAL life? People are reluctant to set up rules and stick to them, and then? You end up like you are now. Not really upset, just pensive and concerned. I think if YOU had a date that you could look forward to having your entire home back? IT would lessen the anxiety. If HE had a date to look forward to moving out? It woudl give HIM some motivation to get up out of bed daily and start putting his life back together. </p><p> </p><p>I can not see where drawing unemployment and living with your Father at age 26, and barely helping out gives any man a sense of fulfillment. Not having a sense of fulfillment makes you depressed. Being depressed doesn't motivate you to do much. So in a sense giving him a deadline or in better terms a move out GOAL date is helping him stay focused and motivated.</p><p> </p><p>This is an unnecessary stressor that your husaband is allowing to go on in YOUR home, and Mansters home - for the sake of a 26 year old man who if he had to - could find a place of his own saving the peace in your home. </p><p>YOU could move out and get a place of your own and take Manster with you - but why? This is not the only home that your stepson has ever known - he's proved he can be out on his own. I think the fact that he could be on his own and simply chooses not to move outside his comfort level is wrong of him, unless I'm missing some greater part of the story. IT sounds like he's using you and your husband for his own personal gain. </p><p> </p><p>What if he decides on a 4 year college? Is he allowed to stay until he's 30? What if he goes for a masters? Four more years? 34 - ? Manster would be in high school. AND....it could be a reality - because there are no rules. Simply saying "What if he's here until Manster is in High School?" sounds ABSURD.huh? But what happens in 8 years when he's still there? IT could happen. </p><p> </p><p>My final thought with kids who move home who are not in dire straights or have a clue how to survive on their own - should have a deadline to move out. Period. As harsh as it sounds we have had to do this over and over again with the agency and Dude because we could only handle him for so long. BUT what allowed us to handle him at ALL? Knowing that in a few months or weeks - we would get respite. Sounds harsh but I promise you without a goal date? We never would have made it. Not that we wouldn't have tried - but we just wouldn't have. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love - </p><p>This really can be resolved with a move out goal.....in writing...and a few guidelines to make sure you know where each of you stands.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 268058, member: 4964"] Well........I don't know how you're doing it actually. I just had this exact same conversation with someone else (not on the board) and I think it's a matter of what you can and are able to deal with. If you are going to have him stay - I think there has to be a written contract & rules. THis protects you as well as him. Lots of hard/hurt feelings can be avoided by each party knowing what the rules are. If your husband refuses to set rules and a moving out date? Then give HIM a date to have it done by or turn the solution making over to you. I know he's your husbands son - but my feelings are this - rules are available for Monopoly, Wii, crossing the street - but when it comes to living together - the REAL life? People are reluctant to set up rules and stick to them, and then? You end up like you are now. Not really upset, just pensive and concerned. I think if YOU had a date that you could look forward to having your entire home back? IT would lessen the anxiety. If HE had a date to look forward to moving out? It woudl give HIM some motivation to get up out of bed daily and start putting his life back together. I can not see where drawing unemployment and living with your Father at age 26, and barely helping out gives any man a sense of fulfillment. Not having a sense of fulfillment makes you depressed. Being depressed doesn't motivate you to do much. So in a sense giving him a deadline or in better terms a move out GOAL date is helping him stay focused and motivated. This is an unnecessary stressor that your husaband is allowing to go on in YOUR home, and Mansters home - for the sake of a 26 year old man who if he had to - could find a place of his own saving the peace in your home. YOU could move out and get a place of your own and take Manster with you - but why? This is not the only home that your stepson has ever known - he's proved he can be out on his own. I think the fact that he could be on his own and simply chooses not to move outside his comfort level is wrong of him, unless I'm missing some greater part of the story. IT sounds like he's using you and your husband for his own personal gain. What if he decides on a 4 year college? Is he allowed to stay until he's 30? What if he goes for a masters? Four more years? 34 - ? Manster would be in high school. AND....it could be a reality - because there are no rules. Simply saying "What if he's here until Manster is in High School?" sounds ABSURD.huh? But what happens in 8 years when he's still there? IT could happen. My final thought with kids who move home who are not in dire straights or have a clue how to survive on their own - should have a deadline to move out. Period. As harsh as it sounds we have had to do this over and over again with the agency and Dude because we could only handle him for so long. BUT what allowed us to handle him at ALL? Knowing that in a few months or weeks - we would get respite. Sounds harsh but I promise you without a goal date? We never would have made it. Not that we wouldn't have tried - but we just wouldn't have. Hugs & Love - This really can be resolved with a move out goal.....in writing...and a few guidelines to make sure you know where each of you stands. [/QUOTE]
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