he's playing with fire

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    My son stopped by the house yesterday, I did not know he was coming. Long story short after attempting another guilt trip on me he told me he's a taxi cab for deliveries...said he didn't know what the contents were and it is none of his concern but it doesn't take a PHD to figure it out. I'm like O.M.G! this will surely get him worse than jail...I told him he's looking at Prison time if he's transporting drugs of any kind. He apparently doesn't see the seriousness of what he's doing...I told him if you play with fire long enough you're going to get burned.
    For those of you who aren't familiar with Gonzo, he's a 20 year old kid who's been arrested twice in 2 different counties in less than 2 months. One is waiting a trial and the other hasn't even been given a date for a hearing.In the first arrest the charges were minimal having a small quantity of marijuana,smoking it and paraphernalia.Then in the 2nd he was driving so it was not only a D.U.I but resisting arrest. When I got the call for the 2nd arrest I told my husband ( against his wishes ) to pick my son up from the police station. Technically they should've impounded his car but they didn't want to bother with the paper work. I hadn't realized he was using his car for delivering drugs...this he told me yesterday but tried to play it off by saying he didn't know what the stuff was. MY GOD! so this is what he's been doing for money...then why is he still homeless? He says he has no life...he cannot get ahead.. this is what he has to do for money because he has no home. Said he's been sleeping wherever he can find to lay his head. I did feel horrible when I made him leave the house with only a sandwich...after the sandwich he said he is still hungry..I feel so bad that he wanted a Ramen noodles but I refused. He's been having 1 meal a day at McDonald's and has lost a ton of weight. I never give him money...don't really have any to give him anyway. But I do feed him a snack when he does come to the house. I doubt by denying him that if it's going to make a difference, I think it's bad enough that I have made him homeless...my husband tells me it is my son who made himself homeless. Why does he not have any money is what I don't understand. Also...is it really just the weed he is smoking? My main question here since I'm afraid to google anything...has anyone had any experience with the consequences of running drugs? I'm so afraid for him, he is my son no matter what.
    I will add that my husband has a daughter the same age as my son...only her mother is so rich that she sent her daughter to get help with other kids her age in guess where? Hawaii, I told my husband "Gee isn't that just nice" , she is a spoiled brat who's been given a silver spoon on a platter her whole life...meanwhile my son is sleeping in God knows where. But I know it's his own fault, Is it wicked for me to feel his daughter should be sleeping on benches too?
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yeppers, he made himself homeless. You are nicer than I am. If I were to find out my son was delivering drugs and bringing them to my house, I would be delivering HIM to the police myself. This is not what a lot of parents would do. I feel very strongly about anyone who would have the gall to involve me or my property in any kind of criminal activity. I will in no way give my son the impression that I condone this type of behavior or that " well ok kiddo just don't get caught."

    I would love to send my son to Hawaii on a one way ticket. A whole ocean between us. He could live on the beach and fish for his food.
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  3. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Homeless in Hawaii is a luxury, believe me. The sand is not owned by anyone ...their shelters I believe are on the beach. I check his pockets before he gets in the house and his room has been cleaned out so he's not bringing anything in my house... nothing..not a lighter or anything. In fact I'm going to let him know the next time he plans to "pop in" he's going to have to decontaminate himself before entering my home. I'm sure he wouldn't want to get butt naked but maybe I can just hose him down and have him sit in the yard for an hour before entering.
    Anyhow ...just knowing what he is doing has me angry. I'm trying to figure out if he's got 2 problems or just 1. If it is criminal activities would him going into a recovery house good enough? I hear they do keep you in lock-down for 30 days. Maybe this is why my son won't go? because he knows he won't be able to live in the freedom he has to do what he wants? what can I do to make him realize what jail is really going to be like? He even said to me in the past " well , at least they give you 3 meals a day".
    what will the judge give him if he does get arrested for this?
  4. brwnigrl717

    brwnigrl717 New Member

    This makes me so sick for you. I know what you are feeling and going through as my 18 year old is a HUGE pothead. It is like this is the most important thing in his life. You wishing ill harm on your step daughter is really not a good thing, so work on dismissing those feelings. Unfortunately there is no programs where I live where you can tour a prison. Perhaps you can visit an inmate, call it wont hurt. I don't think these dumb ass kids realize this is not a life, and they have plenty of life to live. I want to be proud of my son, and there really is nothing to be proud of. It might take your son getting arrested to realize he needs change. You can not control him or his destiny anymore....I am sorry we have to go through these issues and that we are on here desperately looking for an answer.
  5. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Did I mention she is a substance abuser also? I just don't understand how my son is any different from his daughter, if both are users. I'm told enabling our kids is wrong, wouldn't you say her mother is enabling her? not only is she enabling her behavior but sending her to a land of paradise. sorry it's just how I feel. I'm not really a mean person, this is all new to me. My son was just kicked out, he has no relatives he grew up with. I was a single mom for 7 years, it's always been just me and my 2 kids before my husband came into the picture. Without a father he had no role model in his life, but I do understand my son made the decision to go down this bad road.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    If I read this right Gonzo is driving your car to make these deliveries. Report it to the police as being used in possible crimes. The arrest record your son faces is a heck of a lot less than the death he faces if he gets caught up in something or steals the drugs he is transporting.

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  7. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    dstc, the car is his, he is the owner of it. I made him get his own insurance for it. I highly suspect he uses the car to take people to do their "drug transactions" . I have no physical proof but his record and what he told me is proof enough. He doesn't see himself as having a drug problem, I don't know what else to do. I'm going to take my princess for a stroll to take my mind off this mess.
    Thank you dstc for not putting me down, the last thing I need is more guilt.
  8. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    Worried, your screen name says it all. You are far more worried about the consequences of your son's choices than he is. He doesn't sound half as concerned.

    If you can find it within yourself to let go, then his problems become his problems (not your problems) and he will be so much more likely to choose his way out of them.

    I know you are scared, but you should be more afraid of what will happen if nothing changes in his world. You are doing the right thing by keeping him out of your home and cutting off the support while he is actively using and dealing. You also need to protect yourself legally from his crimes.

    Now, about your stepdaughter, remember that Hawaii will not heal her. Only she can choose to heal through rehab. Your son has the same opportunity closer to home, Hawaii or no Hawaii.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Worried everyone gave you such good advice. Whatever your stepdaughter is doing will have no bearing on your son and you shouldn't waste one more minute thinking about it. Your son is playing with fire and he will get caught and have to face the consequences. Trying to convince him that jail is bad will not change him. The only thing that matters to him right now is drugs and money to buy drugs.

    Sadly you have very little power to do anything. You may just have to wait until he gets caught. Believe me I tried everything to save my difficult child. In the end they have to do it for themselves. All you can do is protect yourself and your assets and your relationship with your husband.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had to delete my post because I was upset that you would wish homelessness on your stepdaughter, who has nothing to do with this.

    You never say why you won't try a 12 Step meeting, but, hon, you need help getting through this. Your son is using and selling drugs. He is going to get into trouble and if he lived at home you could get into trouble too and maybe lose your two year old.

    I highly suggest you try to change something about YOU so that you can get through this. It is hard to do alone,w hich is why I suggested Narc-Anon or Al-Anon. You will not feel alone there.

    There is nothing you can do for Rambo, but there is a lot you can do for you. I hope you take those steps to get the help you need. I think most of us have had to reach out for outside real face time support. These issues are serious and hard, but aside from our children, WE exist too and WE have to live through these things.

    I really am praying you take a chance on getting help for YOU. There is zilch you can do about your son.

    Too bad your can't take his car away. If you are paying for it, I'd stop. My daughter, while using drugs, got into three car accidents. She was sued and owed $14,000 long after she had quit using drugs. Your son could kill himself or somebody else while driving high. Then he could be up for homicidej.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Worried, please know that none of us wants to put more guilt on you or make you feel badly. Sometimes we are blunt and we forget that we had to walk through those same stages that you are now. Be patient with us and know that we just want to help but as always take what helps and leave the rest.
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  12. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Thank you all for the advice, Nancy I will do as you suggest..."take what helps and leave the rest". Midwest mom, all I can do right now is read the books which today I'm ordering from Amazon. I'd love to go to counseling but my time won't allow right now with my little 2 yr.old. I don't dwell on my husbands daughter at all. My son owns the car, has the tittle, it's an old car and at this point I hope it dies. I pray it dies so he will be left with no choice but to get himself some help.
    I'll be you posted everyone
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did the best you could. That is all we can do. All of us have gone through that stage. It will pass.
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another book you may want to read is Not My Child by Frank Lawlis. I have not read it but saw it talked about today and sounded like it may be helpful.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Worried, I understand why you are in this frantic state. You are in the very beginning of this awful roller coaster ride that none of us asked to be on. The price of admission is way too high. And I have always hated roller coasters anyway.

    Right now your son is giving you all of the typical difficult child answers for everything. Nothing is there fault, its everyone elses fault...mainly their parents. One parent or the other loved some other child so much more than them and blah blah blah. If they had just gotten those Timberlands in 7th grade or if they had the right jacket or if we had bought him a car...oh he would be so much better. Its all talk. Mine went through that too for awhile but it didnt take him very long to stop when we laughed at him. Now he knows without a shadow of a doubt that we did everything we could for him, nothing we did was because we hated him or wanted to punish him but he has also said that there was nothing we could have done that would have stopped him from who he was. Wish I had known that, I could have saved myself a ton of work.

    After as many years as I have been dealing with the legal system I think you are working yourself up into a frenzy a bit too much. That first arrest would get him nothing but probation and a fine. Depending on where you live most likely they will just continue his probation, maybe make it intensive instead of the extremely loose one, and probably add on another fine. You really have to be doing something quite bad with pot to end up in jail.

    I also wonder if he is telling you the truth about what he is doing such as being a drug runner. He would really have to know someone to get into that job. He knows if he tells you this you are going to worry to death about him and just possibly he can push your buttons hard enough you will take him back. If he was actually running drugs I dont think he would go around telling people about it.
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Worried, my 22 year old son has been both homeless in the middle of a cold winter and in jail. Him being homeless for 3 months was awful and when he wanted in from the cold he went to rehab! However he learned how to survive on the streets, it scares me because I don't know how to do it, but he learned how. Jail is bad too but at least he has a place to sleep and food to eat, he hates it more than the streets but I don't.

    Anyway my point is they find ways to survive...and you cant really do anything to prevent it if they are continuing to use drugs or deal drugs.

    Take care of yourself and your marriage and your 2 year old right now.


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  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    My daughter was homeless for over two years. They are very resourceful... But she is a survivor for sure.

    I slept soooo good when she was in jail. I knew where she was, I knew she was out of the elements and getting three meals a day...

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  18. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Hello everyone, Yesterday I was praying and received a healing of my heart from the Lord. In addition to the books I'll be reading I now realize my son is in the Lord's hands, God needs me to get out of the way so that He can help my son. No rehab, job, or anything else on this earth will save him. Only Jesus can give him the total healing he needs. I noticed my son telling me a few months ago that he no longer believes in the devil or God, maybe he doesn't want to own up to the sin in his life, or believe that their is forgiveness...maybe he doesn't want to believe there will be consequences for the way he lives his life. I know we all need to draw our strength from the Lord.
    2 Samuel 22:2-4 says "The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
    The God of my strength, in whom I will trust;
    My shield and the horn of my salvation, My stronghold and my refuge; My Savior, He saves me from violence.
    I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
    So shall I be saved from my enemies.

    The lie from Satan that he attempts on many souls is first for us to deny the existence of God, the cross , the forgiveness of sins when he shed His own blood for us. In order for my son to turn his life around he needs to surrender his life to God, and he could very well relapse. These addictive drugs are of the most difficult kind to break, but with God anything is possible. It might just be that my son has to hit rock bottom before he calls on the Lord for help.

    oh dear, I didn't mean to sound like I'm preaching to anyone here, Please know that I just wanted to share with everyone a good part of my healing does come from Jesus. All I can do is uplift my son in prayer and continue to not allow him into my house until He comes back to the Jesus which means being drug free. He knows I love him as Childofmine and Midwest mom have encouraged me to know this. Thanks, I needed to hear that.
    Why am I going to be distressed...my son was gone before he even left. I will trust in the Lord, he tells us
    to cast all our cares upon Him for he cares for us.

    I will keep you all posted on my son...hopefully he doesn't have to fall so low that he can't get up.. But if he does that would be on him, as we all are given a choice.

    Thank you everyone who has given me encouragement, I do believe God uses people all the time. :angel:
  19. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Not all of us here are Christian though I do realize that you take great comfort from your faith and that is good.

    in my opinion, addiction is not about faith. It is an illness, sometimes rooted in mental illness, sometimes not.

    But, addiction is an illness of choice. One has to CHOOSE to use. The addict makes that choice each and every time s/he uses. No outside entity makes that choice, that choice, like change can only come from within.

    It is good that you take comfort from your faith, but please don't let that blind you to resources of this world that may be of help.

    Again, in my opinion, and especially since you are Christian, you should benefit from 12 step programs like Al-anon/Nar-anon. You need 'face time' with other parents to help you disentangle your life from that of your son.

    Though I feel your husband is overly controlling, it is his house too, and you have the little one to think of as well.

    Please seek out a support group, and consider talking to your, or another pastor who is qualified in counselling if not a non-faith based counsellor.

    Please do not be blind to non-spiritual sources of help.
  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

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