WorriedMom, what difference does it make if your son got no love from one parent NOW? He can always get therapy for THAT, but he needs to get off the drugs. It doesn't matter why he's on them and i doubt he is on drugs because of simply a lack of parent since, nowadays, your son is livilng a sad but common life's issue. The drugs need to come first. You can not undo the past. None of us can, hon. Our adult kids, regardless of the reason, will not heal if they take drugs. There are many resources to help sober people with family issues, but one has to be clean in order to benefit.
I hate to tell more "my life" stories, but my mom hated me. She left me and disinherited me. She didn't even send my kids birthday cards. I was non-existent to her. I never had love from her and did need therapy for this. However, I chose not to drown my pain with drugs...I knew it wouldn't help. Many adopted kids don't use drugs and they were abandoned any way you look at it. Your son has chosen to mire any pain his has, for any reason he has it, in drugs which will only make things worse for him.
It is only when your mind is clear that you are able to heal your past wounds. I personally have read many books, MANY books, that indicate kids who grow up without a father figure are way more apt to take drugs. So there you go. It was a contribution. But he made that choice to deal with it that way and his only way out is to get clean.
How many kids live with their bio. or original adoptive fathers these days?
My oldest three saw a divorce, plus two were adopted. Double whammy. 36 did not use recreational drugs, but does drink every day and has prescription drugs that make me cringe. Scott never even tried a cigratte. Worried Mom, this child, who was adopted at age six from Hong Kong, used finding a wife of his heritage and his extreme religious beliefs to deal with the pain he felt of his abandonment and, worse, the fact that he lived in a cold orphanage until he was six years old. That was his way of dealing with it plus overachieving. He has his own business and makes in the millions. But he does not see us. That is another way he copes. Not healthy in every respect, and I miss him, but his lifestyle choices to blunt his pain. My youngest did take drugs after our divorce.
My younger two, both adopted, grew up in a stable home where we loved each other and neither got into any trouble at all and seem very happy. So I do think the dad/divorce/he left the kid mattered to my first three kids and the intact, loving family mucho empowered my youngest two.
So what? At least 50% of our kids in the US will live at some time with no bio. father and probably a new stepfather. Although the percentage is higher when the dad leaves, you can't time machine history. Your son needs to work on getting clean so he can join the others who lost a father and go into therapy and try to heal and be healthy.
It is not productive to try to figure out the why of it. Try to do what you do to help yourself. You will never know 100% why your son takes drugs. Maybe his bio. gather is prone to drug addiction and that makes your son prone to it also. Maybe he got in with bad peers and couldn't say no. Big problem with many of our difficult children. They do not have a lot of resiliency.
Keep trying to take care of yourself and if you religion helps you, by all means USE IT!!!!!!!!!
Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I know you will get better as time goes on. Time is your friend. Do you have a therapist?
I keep telling my husband that I need to stay angry at my son but when he interferes somehow my anger turns at him. It's almost as if because I know that my husband is making choices out of anger and not love I want him to stay out of it. Boy, after reading that sentence I can see where it sounds really selfish of me. yicks
