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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 657552" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>So, I was reading Richard Rohr this morning.</p><p></p><p>This is from him, regarding Francis of Assisi: "...he had the humility and patience to know that whatever is true is a shared truth."</p><p></p><p>And that rings true with what I say regarding not entering into FOO dynamic, again. What I said to my sister was that I did not want to be who I needed to be, in their eyes, to be in relationship with them.</p><p></p><p>The truth is a shared, therefore objectively provable thing. Who I believe myself to be is the truth they ridiculed in: "What would Cedar do?"</p><p></p><p>Maya: "Believe them the first time they tell you who they are."</p><p></p><p>So, the imagery to hold is: I believe you, but I no longer believe in you. Closely followed by something I saw on FB awhile back: "Don't f*** with people who are loyal to you."</p><p></p><p>Followed by the imagery of the Sword whirling against the sky, in Braveheart.</p><p></p><p>And this:</p><p></p><p>"I have done what was mine to do, now you must do what is yours to do."</p><p></p><p>That was R Rohr, quoting Francis.</p><p></p><p>So, I have the answer, now. Like it always does, for me anyway, the answer has to do with faith, with unshakable faith. But the faith I believe for this time is in myself. I cannot know the end of this story. I don't know. But I do know, and will now hold faith with, with my own integrity. I think that is the correct word, the correct feeling, of what was reclaimed, here. So actually, I am whizzing along at top speed. I do see that, even in the weirder parts of what I write here, I seem to be willing to look at things fairly so I can trust that I am seeing clearly, and that I am seeing correctly, based on what I know or can learn.</p><p></p><p>So, I can stop feeling anything one way or another about this. I can let go, and trust that I know what I know: that I handled it well when I believed in them, and that I will handle it well now that I don't.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>"Do not be afraid.", right?</p><p></p><p>And of course that is true.</p><p></p><p>Here is another R Rohr: "...forgiving and accepting the imperfection and woundedness of life."</p><p></p><p>That is true, too. But it doesn't mean to forgive people determined to victimize you, to use you as a vehicle for self-aggrandizement, for whatever that obscenity feeling is at the heart of it. It means accept that it is what it is. There is nothing I need to do. Just like we tell one another where our troubled kids are concerned ~ well, I forgot where I was going with that. But it's the same process, the same kind of standing up at last and letting go, not necessarily of them, but of trying to figure it out. It's the same dynamic at work as the one in learning I was not responsible for what my children were choosing to do. A hurtful situation because it is so surprisingly different than what we were so sure it would be, but no entertaining guilt or remorse or desperate effort to change is going to matter.</p><p></p><p>I am not the one who picked this for all of us. I am the one who picked, and believed, in something better than this for all of us.</p><p></p><p>So, we can let go of those things.</p><p></p><p>For me too, why doesn't matter; how it came to be what it is doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>It is what it undeniably is.</p><p></p><p>Just like it is with our kids: If this thing were fixable, we would all be having that dinner I am always posting about. The one with the white candles, and the bouquet from FTD.</p><p></p><p>Interesting aside: When I see that dinner table now, I see not the table set in preparation, but from my position at its head. The candles are lit. The linen is beautifully thick and white. I am there by myself, or I am looking across at D H.</p><p></p><p>Ring of crystal.</p><p></p><p>Turning for home.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>"Even a little bit of the truth is more than enough for a saint." That is Richard Rohr, too. I am seeing "saint" not as a religiously or spiritually pure person, but as someone with unshakable faith in themselves, in the rightness of what I know and have validated as best I could do it and found it to be undeniably valid true stuff.</p><p></p><p>True stuff, all of it.</p><p></p><p>Little fade there on Cedar's part. But there is a core of me now, that knows how it is with denial, and how much we need it until we don't, and understands how to nurture myself through it.</p><p></p><p>As someone who can know that the little bit of the truth they do know can be correctly extrapolated to the whole.</p><p></p><p>And be okay with that.</p><p></p><p>Someone will die, everyone will, that is what we do. What matters, and this is the piece I was refusing to see, is that what matters is what we choose while we live. That someone dies is only the end of the story <em>for them.</em></p><p></p><p>And having gone through this now, when I still had the option of undoing what I have done, I will know what was true and what was not, when either or any of my family dies.</p><p></p><p>When either or any one of my family dies.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is and what it was, and that will not change or be a vulnerability for me, now.</p><p></p><p>Here is another:</p><p></p><p>"Faith itself sometimes needs to be stripped of its social and historical encrustations and returned to its first, churchless incarnation in the human heart." That is Christian Wiman, from R Rohr, this morning.</p><p></p><p>So that's what I have. And that's all I have. And that is enough.</p><p></p><p>I'm good. Standing pretty well.</p><p></p><p>I think we're through this part.</p><p></p><p>Woot!</p><p></p><p>SWOT?</p><p></p><p>Thank you, again. It's been very nice to have you with me through this.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Here is me this morning. (I get to be Henry. And Katherine. And the loons are D H and me.)</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]Jkk2ai88ED0[/MEDIA]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 657552, member: 17461"] Thank you. So, I was reading Richard Rohr this morning. This is from him, regarding Francis of Assisi: "...he had the humility and patience to know that whatever is true is a shared truth." And that rings true with what I say regarding not entering into FOO dynamic, again. What I said to my sister was that I did not want to be who I needed to be, in their eyes, to be in relationship with them. The truth is a shared, therefore objectively provable thing. Who I believe myself to be is the truth they ridiculed in: "What would Cedar do?" Maya: "Believe them the first time they tell you who they are." So, the imagery to hold is: I believe you, but I no longer believe in you. Closely followed by something I saw on FB awhile back: "Don't f*** with people who are loyal to you." Followed by the imagery of the Sword whirling against the sky, in Braveheart. And this: "I have done what was mine to do, now you must do what is yours to do." That was R Rohr, quoting Francis. So, I have the answer, now. Like it always does, for me anyway, the answer has to do with faith, with unshakable faith. But the faith I believe for this time is in myself. I cannot know the end of this story. I don't know. But I do know, and will now hold faith with, with my own integrity. I think that is the correct word, the correct feeling, of what was reclaimed, here. So actually, I am whizzing along at top speed. I do see that, even in the weirder parts of what I write here, I seem to be willing to look at things fairly so I can trust that I am seeing clearly, and that I am seeing correctly, based on what I know or can learn. So, I can stop feeling anything one way or another about this. I can let go, and trust that I know what I know: that I handled it well when I believed in them, and that I will handle it well now that I don't. It is what it is. "Do not be afraid.", right? And of course that is true. Here is another R Rohr: "...forgiving and accepting the imperfection and woundedness of life." That is true, too. But it doesn't mean to forgive people determined to victimize you, to use you as a vehicle for self-aggrandizement, for whatever that obscenity feeling is at the heart of it. It means accept that it is what it is. There is nothing I need to do. Just like we tell one another where our troubled kids are concerned ~ well, I forgot where I was going with that. But it's the same process, the same kind of standing up at last and letting go, not necessarily of them, but of trying to figure it out. It's the same dynamic at work as the one in learning I was not responsible for what my children were choosing to do. A hurtful situation because it is so surprisingly different than what we were so sure it would be, but no entertaining guilt or remorse or desperate effort to change is going to matter. I am not the one who picked this for all of us. I am the one who picked, and believed, in something better than this for all of us. So, we can let go of those things. For me too, why doesn't matter; how it came to be what it is doesn't matter. It is what it undeniably is. Just like it is with our kids: If this thing were fixable, we would all be having that dinner I am always posting about. The one with the white candles, and the bouquet from FTD. Interesting aside: When I see that dinner table now, I see not the table set in preparation, but from my position at its head. The candles are lit. The linen is beautifully thick and white. I am there by myself, or I am looking across at D H. Ring of crystal. Turning for home. *** "Even a little bit of the truth is more than enough for a saint." That is Richard Rohr, too. I am seeing "saint" not as a religiously or spiritually pure person, but as someone with unshakable faith in themselves, in the rightness of what I know and have validated as best I could do it and found it to be undeniably valid true stuff. True stuff, all of it. Little fade there on Cedar's part. But there is a core of me now, that knows how it is with denial, and how much we need it until we don't, and understands how to nurture myself through it. As someone who can know that the little bit of the truth they do know can be correctly extrapolated to the whole. And be okay with that. Someone will die, everyone will, that is what we do. What matters, and this is the piece I was refusing to see, is that what matters is what we choose while we live. That someone dies is only the end of the story [I]for them.[/I] And having gone through this now, when I still had the option of undoing what I have done, I will know what was true and what was not, when either or any of my family dies. When either or any one of my family dies. It is what it is and what it was, and that will not change or be a vulnerability for me, now. Here is another: "Faith itself sometimes needs to be stripped of its social and historical encrustations and returned to its first, churchless incarnation in the human heart." That is Christian Wiman, from R Rohr, this morning. So that's what I have. And that's all I have. And that is enough. I'm good. Standing pretty well. I think we're through this part. Woot! SWOT? Thank you, again. It's been very nice to have you with me through this. Cedar Here is me this morning. (I get to be Henry. And Katherine. And the loons are D H and me.) [MEDIA=youtube]Jkk2ai88ED0[/MEDIA] [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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