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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658035" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Where is everyone, this morning? Ew. How embarrassing. I will just respond to myself, then.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, in discussing yesterday's work here on the site with D H last night, I came to understand that the places I am able to stand, the places I am able to touch for instruction and direction where my sister is concerned, those two incidents have given me a kind of desperately needed clarity. They are true things, and they tell me who I am, and they tell me something true about my sister.</p><p></p><p>I am posting about one thing that I know about my mother. I found the emotional trigger last night in discussion with D H.</p><p></p><p>Good news: D H agrees that doing what I am doing here on the site has resulted in change. He was here when my sister called. He has witnessed the difference in the way I processed that. It did not require processing.</p><p></p><p>So far, anyway.</p><p></p><p>It is good to have a witness to that, too. </p><p></p><p>I feel clearer, but it is good to have witness.</p><p></p><p>The incident: Our daughter was newly born. I was not raised in any particular religion. My mother is a lapsed Catholic: strictly raised Catholic. The running joke is: "No, I don't believe. But if I should begin to die, call a priest." D H and family are Catholic, of course; they are Italian from Italy during the time of D H life. </p><p></p><p>So, I wanted to baptize my child.</p><p></p><p>And I had seen the priest of course. And I knew the baby would wear a white baptismal gown. But the Godfather had not been filmed yet in that time. There was no internet. There was nowhere to go to learn how to do this: What do I wear? What is a godparent? What does D H wear. What do I serve at the gathering after. Is there a gathering after? Are there invitations sent out to baptisms ~ oh, you cannot imagine the things I did not know, or how very much I wanted to do this correctly for the sake of my child and my young husband (I was very much in love with D H back then. I love him, now. That is something richer and different than what I felt for him, then. What I felt for him then was all-encompassing. :O)</p><p></p><p>D H said last night, when I was telling him about this set point: "Why didn't you ask my mom?" Well, of course. But that did not even occur to me. I was still so new to my relationship with D H mom, and there had already been so many strangenesses with my family of origin.</p><p></p><p>D H and I did not have a real wedding, of course.</p><p></p><p>I would never wear the beautiful gown or host the dinner and the dance and have all the wonder of it. I knew that, of course. I had always known it.</p><p></p><p>But D H family did not get that part about me.</p><p></p><p>How could I tell D H mom when I was still loyal to my own mother, when I was still trying to hide who and how it was and how it had always been, with us.</p><p></p><p>So...I asked my own mother. What do I do? How do I do this? What do I serve? Which are the appropriate colors? Should everything be white? Is meat allowed?</p><p></p><p>And she wouldn't tell me.</p><p></p><p>And after the baptism (and all I could do is the best I could do but I didn't even know that phrase, then), and after the baptism ~ and I don't think my parents even came. Strangely, I had not thought about that at the time. We will be going through that today, too. What that was like, to never have a mother though D H had his <em>before whom I stumbled and stumbled and did not have a mother of my own</em>.</p><p></p><p>You know what? I am physically beautiful. You would be surprised. If for no other reason than that, you would think my mother would have been there for me in these matters but she just never was. And I suppose I ~ I don't know. She just never was and there is a taste of shame there but I was doing the things that were mine to do and I was doing them so alone and I didn't even know the difference. That there were mothers and daughters who celebrated their babies. D H mom would teach me that over time. </p><p></p><p>But I did not know even that, then.</p><p></p><p>Anyway. Here is the thing we are exploring and naming and having the shame and the anger in it, today: So, my mother would not help me; would not advise, did not attend, it seems. I believe that to be true. I believe no one from my family of origin attended the baptisms of either of my children.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/sorrowsmiley2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":sorrowsmiley2:" title="sorrow :sorrowsmiley2:" data-shortname=":sorrowsmiley2:" /></p><p></p><p>I digress, getting there more quickly by the winding back roads than I believed possible.</p><p></p><p>And after it was over, I was talking to my mother on the phone. And she wanted to know how everything had gone, I suppose. So, I told her. And this is what she said, and this is where we will be working today until I find a set point, a place to stand up.</p><p></p><p>No quotes because I don't remember the exact words.</p><p></p><p>Something like: When you asked me how to do this, I wondered why you didn't ask your own mother. Then I realized, I <em>am</em> her mother.</p><p></p><p>And she thought that was really funny, my mother.</p><p></p><p>So that is where we are working, today.</p><p></p><p>And that is the incident, out of all the incidents in all of my life with this woman who is my mother, that will give me my mother and a place to stand in the event of her death or her showing up at my door, whichever comes first.</p><p></p><p>At this point in my work today, I am thinking a kick in the ass would be appropriate in either case.</p><p></p><p>Pardon me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658035, member: 17461"] Where is everyone, this morning? Ew. How embarrassing. I will just respond to myself, then. :O) *** So, in discussing yesterday's work here on the site with D H last night, I came to understand that the places I am able to stand, the places I am able to touch for instruction and direction where my sister is concerned, those two incidents have given me a kind of desperately needed clarity. They are true things, and they tell me who I am, and they tell me something true about my sister. I am posting about one thing that I know about my mother. I found the emotional trigger last night in discussion with D H. Good news: D H agrees that doing what I am doing here on the site has resulted in change. He was here when my sister called. He has witnessed the difference in the way I processed that. It did not require processing. So far, anyway. It is good to have a witness to that, too. I feel clearer, but it is good to have witness. The incident: Our daughter was newly born. I was not raised in any particular religion. My mother is a lapsed Catholic: strictly raised Catholic. The running joke is: "No, I don't believe. But if I should begin to die, call a priest." D H and family are Catholic, of course; they are Italian from Italy during the time of D H life. So, I wanted to baptize my child. And I had seen the priest of course. And I knew the baby would wear a white baptismal gown. But the Godfather had not been filmed yet in that time. There was no internet. There was nowhere to go to learn how to do this: What do I wear? What is a godparent? What does D H wear. What do I serve at the gathering after. Is there a gathering after? Are there invitations sent out to baptisms ~ oh, you cannot imagine the things I did not know, or how very much I wanted to do this correctly for the sake of my child and my young husband (I was very much in love with D H back then. I love him, now. That is something richer and different than what I felt for him, then. What I felt for him then was all-encompassing. :O) D H said last night, when I was telling him about this set point: "Why didn't you ask my mom?" Well, of course. But that did not even occur to me. I was still so new to my relationship with D H mom, and there had already been so many strangenesses with my family of origin. D H and I did not have a real wedding, of course. I would never wear the beautiful gown or host the dinner and the dance and have all the wonder of it. I knew that, of course. I had always known it. But D H family did not get that part about me. How could I tell D H mom when I was still loyal to my own mother, when I was still trying to hide who and how it was and how it had always been, with us. So...I asked my own mother. What do I do? How do I do this? What do I serve? Which are the appropriate colors? Should everything be white? Is meat allowed? And she wouldn't tell me. And after the baptism (and all I could do is the best I could do but I didn't even know that phrase, then), and after the baptism ~ and I don't think my parents even came. Strangely, I had not thought about that at the time. We will be going through that today, too. What that was like, to never have a mother though D H had his [I]before whom I stumbled and stumbled and did not have a mother of my own[/I]. You know what? I am physically beautiful. You would be surprised. If for no other reason than that, you would think my mother would have been there for me in these matters but she just never was. And I suppose I ~ I don't know. She just never was and there is a taste of shame there but I was doing the things that were mine to do and I was doing them so alone and I didn't even know the difference. That there were mothers and daughters who celebrated their babies. D H mom would teach me that over time. But I did not know even that, then. Anyway. Here is the thing we are exploring and naming and having the shame and the anger in it, today: So, my mother would not help me; would not advise, did not attend, it seems. I believe that to be true. I believe no one from my family of origin attended the baptisms of either of my children. :sorrowsmiley2: I digress, getting there more quickly by the winding back roads than I believed possible. And after it was over, I was talking to my mother on the phone. And she wanted to know how everything had gone, I suppose. So, I told her. And this is what she said, and this is where we will be working today until I find a set point, a place to stand up. No quotes because I don't remember the exact words. Something like: When you asked me how to do this, I wondered why you didn't ask your own mother. Then I realized, I [I]am[/I] her mother. And she thought that was really funny, my mother. So that is where we are working, today. And that is the incident, out of all the incidents in all of my life with this woman who is my mother, that will give me my mother and a place to stand in the event of her death or her showing up at my door, whichever comes first. At this point in my work today, I am thinking a kick in the ass would be appropriate in either case. Pardon me. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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