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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658090" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You can do that?</p><p></p><p>I will.</p><p></p><p>This Pope is so kindly. That priest was Irish. I should have looked for an Italian one.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, I say you can call any time. Any time you feel you are ready and I never don't call my kids just because they hate me today. (They hate me pretty frequently.) One time, I was talking to daughter before she was totally healed and in control of how she thought, or of what she would say. And she was saying really awful things about how we had deserted her, about how we left her there where she was suffering and alone and in danger. And then? She says: "Roar! I have to go now, mom. <em>I don't want to say something I'm going to regret.</em>"</p><p></p><p>Well.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>With as bad as what she did say was? I can't even imagine. But I acknowledge her right to those feelings, Copa. I liked it just fine that she believed she had gotten off the line before she really blasted me. </p><p></p><p>Our son was actually actively abusing me. This is where SWOT's postings about adult children abusing their parents were so crucially helpful to me. I couldn't see it. You can see it, Copa. You know that what your son said, and the way he said it, was designed to hurt you, to rip open traumatic things you've spent your life protecting both him and yourself from.</p><p></p><p>He had no right, Copa.</p><p></p><p>If you call him, be really certain in your own heart that he had absolutely no right to behave toward you, or to anyone else really, in an abusive manner.</p><p></p><p>Lest you lose respect for him.</p><p></p><p>He was raised better.</p><p></p><p>You can call him this minute Copa, or next year. You have time. That is your son, Copa. He loves you. You are his mother. Everything you do in relationship with him teaches him a thing only a mother could teach. That is your only responsibility.</p><p></p><p>Be his mother.</p><p></p><p>Tough or tender by turn, as the case requires.</p><p></p><p>Abusive behaviors, even if our sons are strung out on some drug designed specifically to make sons say crappy things to their mothers?</p><p></p><p>No.</p><p></p><p>Nothing more than that is true or matters, here.</p><p></p><p>You are his mother.</p><p></p><p>Call him when you are ready.</p><p></p><p>He doesn't have to need you. You don't have to need him. It's just that there is no reason not to call. It isn't a contest. You get to be really pissed at him for disrespecting you.</p><p></p><p>Not for hurting you.</p><p></p><p>He did not do that.</p><p></p><p>Your mother did, or your father.</p><p></p><p>But your son did disrespect you.</p><p></p><p>And that is the issue.</p><p></p><p>You can tell us about the hurt of it? But I would not breathe a word about that, to my son.</p><p></p><p>Respect for a mother is what will help him to stand up. There is no question, there.</p><p></p><p>The hurt of what he said?</p><p></p><p>Can be dealt with here, on the site if you feel okay with that. Or in therapy, or in any safe place.</p><p></p><p>I mean, I would acknowledge that I was hurt by the attack? But there is a place, a line I think, between old trauma recalled and come live, and a person who doesn't understand the depth of the wound he made.</p><p></p><p>I think that is true. SWOT will be better with this aspect of things. She will be posting in soon I think.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That delightful experience we all got to share is on a thread in Watercooler. The War of the Grandma's Baklava is the title, I think. Lil, who posts to us in P.E. (Lil and Jabber ~ that Lil) posted a baklava recipe from AllRecipes.com for me. I made it and it was so good!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>And I won the war of the Grandma's Baklava. But then, she broke up with the Greek person whose grandma's baklava there was to be an Ugly Sweater party to compare to mine, so that party never happened.</p><p></p><p>The baklava was better, so this granddaughter tells me. But we do not have a general consensus. I will be making that baklava every Christmas from now on. And I will send it, along with a synopsis of how it was found and how it was that we made it, to family members each year. </p><p></p><p>A new family tradition.</p><p></p><p>That granddaughter? Has just left a cabin in the deep Northwoods where she spent time with, and learned all about hand-crafted and created tea from, a bona fide hippy. I ordered a tea called Golden Orchid, and will serve it when I host my book club in June.</p><p></p><p>Now, that granddaughter (I have two) is in another place where she has been hired to do the plantings for a person's yard. She is a...something to do with growing marijuana in water. And she loves all kinds of plants, and that is how she was hired to do the planting for this person's garden.</p><p></p><p>It is way fun to have grands, Copa. But here is a thing: This grand called us last summer, confessed to alcoholism, and wanted to come home.</p><p></p><p>We said no.</p><p></p><p>And oh, if you could see her today, Copa.</p><p></p><p>She has fallen and stood up again a million times in this year.</p><p></p><p>And she is going to be fine. If we had taken her in, these wonderful stories would never have happened.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>She was, Copa. Or you would not be who you are, today. I know that is very true, for me.</p><p></p><p>How else could we know, as we go back to correct the way we were taught to see, that hating us was wrong?</p><p></p><p>Those are our grandmothers there in the core of us, Copa. And they always did love us, and know we could do this.</p><p></p><p>And know we were meant to.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I so get this. That is why I could never have a housekeeper. </p><p></p><p>I never thought to identify those feelings as part of having been toxically shamed. </p><p></p><p>Darn that mother of mine.</p><p></p><p>I would like to have a maid.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Okay. What I would really like to have is a handsome young butler.</p><p></p><p>We won't tell D H that part, though.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is what D H says, Copa.</p><p></p><p>But he says I will never be stronger enough, because I am vulnerable to my mother in ways I cannot see.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is true. But the other true thing is that...well, I don't know. I have not read of sociopaths being changed, or wanting to change. But I have read about people in prison who come out of it reformed.</p><p></p><p>So, that is why I am posting and posting.</p><p></p><p>I so appreciate your witnessing for me, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658090, member: 17461"] You can do that? I will. This Pope is so kindly. That priest was Irish. I should have looked for an Italian one. Well, I say you can call any time. Any time you feel you are ready and I never don't call my kids just because they hate me today. (They hate me pretty frequently.) One time, I was talking to daughter before she was totally healed and in control of how she thought, or of what she would say. And she was saying really awful things about how we had deserted her, about how we left her there where she was suffering and alone and in danger. And then? She says: "Roar! I have to go now, mom. [I]I don't want to say something I'm going to regret.[/I]" Well. Huh. With as bad as what she did say was? I can't even imagine. But I acknowledge her right to those feelings, Copa. I liked it just fine that she believed she had gotten off the line before she really blasted me. Our son was actually actively abusing me. This is where SWOT's postings about adult children abusing their parents were so crucially helpful to me. I couldn't see it. You can see it, Copa. You know that what your son said, and the way he said it, was designed to hurt you, to rip open traumatic things you've spent your life protecting both him and yourself from. He had no right, Copa. If you call him, be really certain in your own heart that he had absolutely no right to behave toward you, or to anyone else really, in an abusive manner. Lest you lose respect for him. He was raised better. You can call him this minute Copa, or next year. You have time. That is your son, Copa. He loves you. You are his mother. Everything you do in relationship with him teaches him a thing only a mother could teach. That is your only responsibility. Be his mother. Tough or tender by turn, as the case requires. Abusive behaviors, even if our sons are strung out on some drug designed specifically to make sons say crappy things to their mothers? No. Nothing more than that is true or matters, here. You are his mother. Call him when you are ready. He doesn't have to need you. You don't have to need him. It's just that there is no reason not to call. It isn't a contest. You get to be really pissed at him for disrespecting you. Not for hurting you. He did not do that. Your mother did, or your father. But your son did disrespect you. And that is the issue. You can tell us about the hurt of it? But I would not breathe a word about that, to my son. Respect for a mother is what will help him to stand up. There is no question, there. The hurt of what he said? Can be dealt with here, on the site if you feel okay with that. Or in therapy, or in any safe place. I mean, I would acknowledge that I was hurt by the attack? But there is a place, a line I think, between old trauma recalled and come live, and a person who doesn't understand the depth of the wound he made. I think that is true. SWOT will be better with this aspect of things. She will be posting in soon I think. That delightful experience we all got to share is on a thread in Watercooler. The War of the Grandma's Baklava is the title, I think. Lil, who posts to us in P.E. (Lil and Jabber ~ that Lil) posted a baklava recipe from AllRecipes.com for me. I made it and it was so good! :O) And I won the war of the Grandma's Baklava. But then, she broke up with the Greek person whose grandma's baklava there was to be an Ugly Sweater party to compare to mine, so that party never happened. The baklava was better, so this granddaughter tells me. But we do not have a general consensus. I will be making that baklava every Christmas from now on. And I will send it, along with a synopsis of how it was found and how it was that we made it, to family members each year. A new family tradition. That granddaughter? Has just left a cabin in the deep Northwoods where she spent time with, and learned all about hand-crafted and created tea from, a bona fide hippy. I ordered a tea called Golden Orchid, and will serve it when I host my book club in June. Now, that granddaughter (I have two) is in another place where she has been hired to do the plantings for a person's yard. She is a...something to do with growing marijuana in water. And she loves all kinds of plants, and that is how she was hired to do the planting for this person's garden. It is way fun to have grands, Copa. But here is a thing: This grand called us last summer, confessed to alcoholism, and wanted to come home. We said no. And oh, if you could see her today, Copa. She has fallen and stood up again a million times in this year. And she is going to be fine. If we had taken her in, these wonderful stories would never have happened. She was, Copa. Or you would not be who you are, today. I know that is very true, for me. How else could we know, as we go back to correct the way we were taught to see, that hating us was wrong? Those are our grandmothers there in the core of us, Copa. And they always did love us, and know we could do this. And know we were meant to. I so get this. That is why I could never have a housekeeper. I never thought to identify those feelings as part of having been toxically shamed. Darn that mother of mine. I would like to have a maid. :O) Okay. What I would really like to have is a handsome young butler. We won't tell D H that part, though. That is what D H says, Copa. But he says I will never be stronger enough, because I am vulnerable to my mother in ways I cannot see. This is true. But the other true thing is that...well, I don't know. I have not read of sociopaths being changed, or wanting to change. But I have read about people in prison who come out of it reformed. So, that is why I am posting and posting. I so appreciate your witnessing for me, Copa. Thank you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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