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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658154" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>If I had known how to block my sister's calls, I would definitely have done it. We are new to this smart phone thing. But Copa, over time, I began to realize I was so happy to have time. I did not have to answer. I didn't. I could have that small blessing of time to figure myself out before facing her. We get to do that, Copa. When we are ready, we get to choose to call them, if we like, whenever we like.</p><p></p><p>Or not.</p><p></p><p>We have the right, and the responsibility, to self nurture.</p><p></p><p>Because in an equal exchange love affair, whether that is between mates or between family, everyone gets to take time, and gets to be sure, and gets to nurture and do self care before being expected to be strong and steady enough to meet that loved one's needs. In a way, it's a little like that conflict I was having about seeing the truth about my mother and my sister being like making them dead, like turning away from them forever.</p><p></p><p>When what I was really turning away from, when what I was really making dead, was my own denial.</p><p></p><p>It takes as long as it takes, I guess.</p><p></p><p>But I see now the incredible value in sticking right with it, in continuing to think it through until it all starts falling together in millions of pieces really, some wordless. some traumas wordless, because the traumas were inflicted, and the fear was seeded where our good, strong hearts should have been, beating away with courage and oxygenated blood and every possible thing we could need, before we had words.</p><p></p><p>And they took that away from us. And they had no right. <em>Decency forbade it, Copa.</em> And they had no freaking right, not in any reality real or imagined, to reach in and mess up your response to your child.</p><p></p><p>And I hate them for that. And I will hate the for that for you until you are strong enough to do it, yourself.</p><p></p><p>They had no right, Copa.</p><p></p><p><em>Decency itself forbids it.</em></p><p></p><p>Like, cosmic decency or something like it. That is what forbids what they did. And like the abuse they inflicted on us in the first place, way back in the beginning, the decency forbidding what they did, forbidding what they do, is an impersonal thing.</p><p></p><p>Nothing to do with us.</p><p></p><p>It just is what it is.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Copa? I put your father in my saddlebag on the Conduct Disorders motorcycle, too. Whatever he did to you messed with your ability to interact as you wish to, as you are determined to do, with your child.</p><p></p><p>So in he goes.</p><p></p><p>I think they are all in like, a holding cell in there. Until we can, not destroy, but devour them, incorporating what they have sealed away from us all these years back into us.</p><p></p><p>Right where it should have been, all along.</p><p></p><p>Right where all those good, strengthening things should have been ~ that especially, a loving, ethical father can do, for his daughter, and that your father somehow did not do, can be reclaimed and reintegrated.</p><p></p><p>And we will be very strong, and very centered people, when that happens, for us.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Copa, I had a thought about you, and about taking to your bed after your mother's death. I am just a person, so take it with a grain of salt. Could you be trying to die for your mother? Could you be trying to suffer her death for her, Copa? Or could you be somehow apologizing for living when she is not alive anymore? Here is why that would not work. You could be willing, in somewhere in your heart you have no access to, to carry her pain and the terror of death for her. But each of us is given the death we will experience to complete the journey we came corporeal to do, Copa. I think that because I have been there for people, and for families, when we die. And there is not always a change from fear to ~ oh, I don't know; a kind of blessed acceptance or something, but there usually is.</p><p></p><p>Even if you could take that pain or that suffering or fear for her, Copa? <em>Decency would forbid it.</em></p><p></p><p>Here is a story. So, there was a patient who had lived a really nasty life. No one in his family would have a thing to do with him as he died ~ over the weeks it took him, finally, to die. But there was no chance he would be coming back. And he contacted a daughter. And she would come, and she would sit with him. Not for very long, but she did come.</p><p></p><p>This man, whether for all of his life or through some injury, was unable to speak clearly enough to be understood. Guttural grunts, gestures, facial expressions ~ these were the ways he could communicate. Well anyway, one day he kept ringing and ringing and he would have no other person there but me. And I was busy and I didn't even like him so well.</p><p></p><p>But I had brought him outside when I was able, when I had a few minutes to do so, so he could see the sun and so on.</p><p></p><p>So, that is why it was me he wanted to show this thing he was so determined to show me, I suppose.</p><p></p><p>And I went in Copa, and he was ~ it was like his face had been beatifically transformed. As though there were the most beautiful light Copa, shining right down on him. I'm like, looking up into the corner to see whether the ceiling had parted or something, right? And that is where he was looking for sure (and then, he would look to be sure I saw what he saw). And he would whip his head right back again, so he could keep looking up there.</p><p></p><p>And then, everything just sort of faded back to normal. Once he knew I had seen, too.</p><p></p><p>So, in a way, I was witnessing for him something I still do not understand to this day.</p><p></p><p>But it mattered, to him.</p><p></p><p>He lived another few days, maybe a week. I was not there for his death. I don't even remember his name, Copa. But I have never forgotten whatever that was, ever. I have never had another experience just like that.</p><p></p><p>But I had that one.</p><p></p><p>That is how I know that the phrase <em>Decency forbids it</em> is probably true.</p><p></p><p>Because I saw that light on his face when there was no light in the room.</p><p></p><p>So, somehow, that figures into this whole thing with your mom. How exactly that is...I don't know that part. But probably you do, and probably there is a reason I am telling this story to you. And it must not matter whether I know why or not.</p><p></p><p>But it has something to do with the validity of <em>Decency forbids it.</em></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658154, member: 17461"] If I had known how to block my sister's calls, I would definitely have done it. We are new to this smart phone thing. But Copa, over time, I began to realize I was so happy to have time. I did not have to answer. I didn't. I could have that small blessing of time to figure myself out before facing her. We get to do that, Copa. When we are ready, we get to choose to call them, if we like, whenever we like. Or not. We have the right, and the responsibility, to self nurture. Because in an equal exchange love affair, whether that is between mates or between family, everyone gets to take time, and gets to be sure, and gets to nurture and do self care before being expected to be strong and steady enough to meet that loved one's needs. In a way, it's a little like that conflict I was having about seeing the truth about my mother and my sister being like making them dead, like turning away from them forever. When what I was really turning away from, when what I was really making dead, was my own denial. It takes as long as it takes, I guess. But I see now the incredible value in sticking right with it, in continuing to think it through until it all starts falling together in millions of pieces really, some wordless. some traumas wordless, because the traumas were inflicted, and the fear was seeded where our good, strong hearts should have been, beating away with courage and oxygenated blood and every possible thing we could need, before we had words. And they took that away from us. And they had no right. [I]Decency forbade it, Copa.[/I] And they had no freaking right, not in any reality real or imagined, to reach in and mess up your response to your child. And I hate them for that. And I will hate the for that for you until you are strong enough to do it, yourself. They had no right, Copa. [I]Decency itself forbids it.[/I] Like, cosmic decency or something like it. That is what forbids what they did. And like the abuse they inflicted on us in the first place, way back in the beginning, the decency forbidding what they did, forbidding what they do, is an impersonal thing. Nothing to do with us. It just is what it is. *** Copa? I put your father in my saddlebag on the Conduct Disorders motorcycle, too. Whatever he did to you messed with your ability to interact as you wish to, as you are determined to do, with your child. So in he goes. I think they are all in like, a holding cell in there. Until we can, not destroy, but devour them, incorporating what they have sealed away from us all these years back into us. Right where it should have been, all along. Right where all those good, strengthening things should have been ~ that especially, a loving, ethical father can do, for his daughter, and that your father somehow did not do, can be reclaimed and reintegrated. And we will be very strong, and very centered people, when that happens, for us. *** Copa, I had a thought about you, and about taking to your bed after your mother's death. I am just a person, so take it with a grain of salt. Could you be trying to die for your mother? Could you be trying to suffer her death for her, Copa? Or could you be somehow apologizing for living when she is not alive anymore? Here is why that would not work. You could be willing, in somewhere in your heart you have no access to, to carry her pain and the terror of death for her. But each of us is given the death we will experience to complete the journey we came corporeal to do, Copa. I think that because I have been there for people, and for families, when we die. And there is not always a change from fear to ~ oh, I don't know; a kind of blessed acceptance or something, but there usually is. Even if you could take that pain or that suffering or fear for her, Copa? [I]Decency would forbid it.[/I] Here is a story. So, there was a patient who had lived a really nasty life. No one in his family would have a thing to do with him as he died ~ over the weeks it took him, finally, to die. But there was no chance he would be coming back. And he contacted a daughter. And she would come, and she would sit with him. Not for very long, but she did come. This man, whether for all of his life or through some injury, was unable to speak clearly enough to be understood. Guttural grunts, gestures, facial expressions ~ these were the ways he could communicate. Well anyway, one day he kept ringing and ringing and he would have no other person there but me. And I was busy and I didn't even like him so well. But I had brought him outside when I was able, when I had a few minutes to do so, so he could see the sun and so on. So, that is why it was me he wanted to show this thing he was so determined to show me, I suppose. And I went in Copa, and he was ~ it was like his face had been beatifically transformed. As though there were the most beautiful light Copa, shining right down on him. I'm like, looking up into the corner to see whether the ceiling had parted or something, right? And that is where he was looking for sure (and then, he would look to be sure I saw what he saw). And he would whip his head right back again, so he could keep looking up there. And then, everything just sort of faded back to normal. Once he knew I had seen, too. So, in a way, I was witnessing for him something I still do not understand to this day. But it mattered, to him. He lived another few days, maybe a week. I was not there for his death. I don't even remember his name, Copa. But I have never forgotten whatever that was, ever. I have never had another experience just like that. But I had that one. That is how I know that the phrase [I]Decency forbids it[/I] is probably true. Because I saw that light on his face when there was no light in the room. So, somehow, that figures into this whole thing with your mom. How exactly that is...I don't know that part. But probably you do, and probably there is a reason I am telling this story to you. And it must not matter whether I know why or not. But it has something to do with the validity of [I]Decency forbids it.[/I] Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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