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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658297" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>And that is the thing, the inexcusably wrong thing, our abusers who are still choosing to be abusers, even now, even when we all have grown beyond ~ when we all have survived what was and wish, with all our hearts to come together and celebrate having survived and to heal what is left ~ that is the thing fueling our abusers' energies now. They do not want us to come together, and to create and possess, sanctuary.</p><p></p><p>Snip.</p><p></p><p>Bye, mom.</p><p></p><p>Because of that bad thing you are still choosing, today.</p><p></p><p>And because now, I suspect that you knew, all along, what was happening; and that has made me suffer, very much.</p><p></p><p>And that is how I know that what I remember you did is true, did happen.</p><p></p><p>Because I suffered, and came through it.</p><p></p><p>I see you.</p><p></p><p><em>I see you back.</em></p><p></p><p>Startling clarity of vision, just like in the poetry.</p><p></p><p>So that's good, then.</p><p></p><p>Not to be too repetitive here, but ~ on we go.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That makes really good sense. That she would want to go back to that time, to that young woman time, when all things were possible, for her. Maybe that explains a piece of the fear of aging, of the loss of that secret power we could always have gone back to that is gone, now. I see so many people, flowing in and out of that gallery where I volunteer. Like a river they feel, Copa. There are women we have seen who have been so surgically altered that they look like dolls, like fragile, beautiful dolls, in a way. They are beautiful, but not in that strong, careless, legitimate way a young woman is beautiful. And I see the most amazing women too Copa, who somehow are right where they need to be, living from the heart and in full possession of themselves, somehow, in a way I am not, yet.</p><p></p><p>That is why I love that gallery.</p><p></p><p>It is a just right thing, for me.</p><p></p><p>There is a beautiful garden in the back, where the artist plays with all the things she thinks about. One day? A woman came in dressed in a long skirt, and with that apron of gold coins belly dancing women wear. And she danced for the artist, near the water. And the artist whipped out her phone to record that beautiful woman, who was not beautiful and then, in her dancing, she was.</p><p></p><p>And the artist showed it to me.</p><p></p><p>So now I know what that looks like too, when a woman is in full possession of her own self.</p><p></p><p>It was beautiful.</p><p></p><p>It was beautiful in that way that Latina woman on the motorcycle was beautiful that day that I saw her, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Like the way I am very sure, however harshly you describe Copa here, you look, too.</p><p></p><p>Maybe Copa, that is how you look in your heart.</p><p></p><p>She was so beautifully free, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Man, that was a pretty thing that I got to see, too.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Or because she was chasing something that was gone.</p><p></p><p>And it's right there in her heart, of course.</p><p></p><p>But that is not where she is looking.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, that's the thing. We all think stuff is the answer. Really, stuff is very cool to have indeed. And the truth is that we all need a certain amount of stuff to survive.</p><p></p><p>That is a very true thing.</p><p></p><p>If I had all the money in the world, though...what I would really do is something entirely different than what I think, at first, that I would want to do. My Tai Chi instructor sent me a video of a sailboat expedition to the Galapagos Island chain. And it was filmed so beautifully from the perspective of the Captain. I would like to do that. But here is the thing. I would have to be present enough to appreciate what I was seeing ~ to the wonder of the animals living there together, and to the sun against the sails, and to the stars on the water at night.</p><p></p><p>And I can do that from right here. From right wherever I am. But only if I am present to it.</p><p></p><p>And that is what we are working toward. And that is what was stolen from us by our abusers. And maybe it is true that presence is the thing we all are trying to capture ~ the essence of ourselves seeing what is there, what was always there, the whole time, right where we were. <em>Because we were there, and because we were seeing.</em></p><p></p><p>Ooops. Out of my depth again a little.</p><p></p><p>But I think that might be true.</p><p></p><p>Plus, this is what I know about stuff: It all has to be cleaned or repaired or replaced or updated. And at this ending part of my time here...I don't exactly see the value of stuff that helps me feel like I must be something more worthwhile than how I feel, or who I am in the heart of me or something.</p><p></p><p>I saw that lesson to, when I looked into the eyes of that homeless lady who waited with my daughter that day when we brought her home.</p><p></p><p>But I don't know yet what I saw.</p><p></p><p>I just know I saw it.</p><p></p><p>And that is enough, for now.</p><p></p><p>A mystery. Some curious something I don't understand. But it's there, alright.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, no...in a way, that was as good a way to do this as any. I think that is how we deepen, once we have been around long enough to achieve our dreams and so, lose our illusions. Then, we look at everything again with from our changed perspectives. But I think we have to be very brave to admit, I don't know. To stand up anyway, when everything is gone. And all at once, just like that, we don't know where we are or which way is up, anymore.</p><p></p><p>So, we just have to sit there, and tell ourselves that true thing. Then, it begins to seem to us that we must be where we are meant to be, or else, why would we be here.</p><p></p><p>That is what this part feels like to me.</p><p></p><p>That is why, in preparation for the visits of my daughter and her children, I am just going to be quiet and do nothing and think nothing and just be here. It is the same feeling I had when we thought she was dying. Just like, all of time in an instant, or something. </p><p></p><p>And everything spinning out from that point.</p><p></p><p>All the stars and everything.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is the secret in the Japanese No plays. Where the actor steps onto the stage and does nothing, his face masked, his talent to display that wordless thing, that point from which everything spins out forever.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes! That is just what I was trying to say. </p><p></p><p>I just needed like, ten thousand words to describe it, while you needed only ten.</p><p></p><p>But mine have a kind of rhythm to them that I enjoyed.</p><p></p><p>However we get there, as long as we get there, right?</p><p></p><p>Yes!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes to this, too. It doesn't surprise me, though. I always knew that about you. I saw it in your posts. I am just believing for you until you can believe it again for yourself. There was a time you did know that Copa. There was a time when I knew that, too. That is the thing our abusers found so irresistable.</p><p></p><p>They should have looked within, too.</p><p></p><p>But they were too scared, and it was easier to take it from us.</p><p></p><p>We were defenseless, and so new to the world.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658297, member: 17461"] And that is the thing, the inexcusably wrong thing, our abusers who are still choosing to be abusers, even now, even when we all have grown beyond ~ when we all have survived what was and wish, with all our hearts to come together and celebrate having survived and to heal what is left ~ that is the thing fueling our abusers' energies now. They do not want us to come together, and to create and possess, sanctuary. Snip. Bye, mom. Because of that bad thing you are still choosing, today. And because now, I suspect that you knew, all along, what was happening; and that has made me suffer, very much. And that is how I know that what I remember you did is true, did happen. Because I suffered, and came through it. I see you. [I]I see you back.[/I] Startling clarity of vision, just like in the poetry. So that's good, then. Not to be too repetitive here, but ~ on we go. That makes really good sense. That she would want to go back to that time, to that young woman time, when all things were possible, for her. Maybe that explains a piece of the fear of aging, of the loss of that secret power we could always have gone back to that is gone, now. I see so many people, flowing in and out of that gallery where I volunteer. Like a river they feel, Copa. There are women we have seen who have been so surgically altered that they look like dolls, like fragile, beautiful dolls, in a way. They are beautiful, but not in that strong, careless, legitimate way a young woman is beautiful. And I see the most amazing women too Copa, who somehow are right where they need to be, living from the heart and in full possession of themselves, somehow, in a way I am not, yet. That is why I love that gallery. It is a just right thing, for me. There is a beautiful garden in the back, where the artist plays with all the things she thinks about. One day? A woman came in dressed in a long skirt, and with that apron of gold coins belly dancing women wear. And she danced for the artist, near the water. And the artist whipped out her phone to record that beautiful woman, who was not beautiful and then, in her dancing, she was. And the artist showed it to me. So now I know what that looks like too, when a woman is in full possession of her own self. It was beautiful. It was beautiful in that way that Latina woman on the motorcycle was beautiful that day that I saw her, Copa. Like the way I am very sure, however harshly you describe Copa here, you look, too. Maybe Copa, that is how you look in your heart. She was so beautifully free, Copa. Man, that was a pretty thing that I got to see, too. :O) Or because she was chasing something that was gone. And it's right there in her heart, of course. But that is not where she is looking. Well, that's the thing. We all think stuff is the answer. Really, stuff is very cool to have indeed. And the truth is that we all need a certain amount of stuff to survive. That is a very true thing. If I had all the money in the world, though...what I would really do is something entirely different than what I think, at first, that I would want to do. My Tai Chi instructor sent me a video of a sailboat expedition to the Galapagos Island chain. And it was filmed so beautifully from the perspective of the Captain. I would like to do that. But here is the thing. I would have to be present enough to appreciate what I was seeing ~ to the wonder of the animals living there together, and to the sun against the sails, and to the stars on the water at night. And I can do that from right here. From right wherever I am. But only if I am present to it. And that is what we are working toward. And that is what was stolen from us by our abusers. And maybe it is true that presence is the thing we all are trying to capture ~ the essence of ourselves seeing what is there, what was always there, the whole time, right where we were. [I]Because we were there, and because we were seeing.[/I] Ooops. Out of my depth again a little. But I think that might be true. Plus, this is what I know about stuff: It all has to be cleaned or repaired or replaced or updated. And at this ending part of my time here...I don't exactly see the value of stuff that helps me feel like I must be something more worthwhile than how I feel, or who I am in the heart of me or something. I saw that lesson to, when I looked into the eyes of that homeless lady who waited with my daughter that day when we brought her home. But I don't know yet what I saw. I just know I saw it. And that is enough, for now. A mystery. Some curious something I don't understand. But it's there, alright. Well, no...in a way, that was as good a way to do this as any. I think that is how we deepen, once we have been around long enough to achieve our dreams and so, lose our illusions. Then, we look at everything again with from our changed perspectives. But I think we have to be very brave to admit, I don't know. To stand up anyway, when everything is gone. And all at once, just like that, we don't know where we are or which way is up, anymore. So, we just have to sit there, and tell ourselves that true thing. Then, it begins to seem to us that we must be where we are meant to be, or else, why would we be here. That is what this part feels like to me. That is why, in preparation for the visits of my daughter and her children, I am just going to be quiet and do nothing and think nothing and just be here. It is the same feeling I had when we thought she was dying. Just like, all of time in an instant, or something. And everything spinning out from that point. All the stars and everything. Maybe that is the secret in the Japanese No plays. Where the actor steps onto the stage and does nothing, his face masked, his talent to display that wordless thing, that point from which everything spins out forever. Yes! That is just what I was trying to say. I just needed like, ten thousand words to describe it, while you needed only ten. But mine have a kind of rhythm to them that I enjoyed. However we get there, as long as we get there, right? Yes! :O) Yes to this, too. It doesn't surprise me, though. I always knew that about you. I saw it in your posts. I am just believing for you until you can believe it again for yourself. There was a time you did know that Copa. There was a time when I knew that, too. That is the thing our abusers found so irresistable. They should have looked within, too. But they were too scared, and it was easier to take it from us. We were defenseless, and so new to the world. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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