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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658658" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I feel that way too, SWOT. So surprised that they could be wrong. Surprised again, in knowing <em>they meant it.</em> It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't that they had a momentary thing and had been overwhelmed with emotion.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't that they'd been hurt by me somehow, and were trying to re-establish balance for themselves.</p><p></p><p>They actually meant to hurt me.</p><p></p><p>I am so surprised.</p><p></p><p>I am so surprised at my own hurt that I disregarded. I am surprised by the wash of bright, burning anger. <em>Where have I been keeping all that?</em> How could I have continued believing in them?</p><p></p><p>How could I have done that?!?</p><p></p><p>And how, in all the hells that ever were, is it possible that there was no mercy, for me? I was thinking this morning about when everything got so bad, so truly hurtful between my mom and my sister and myself. It was when our daughter was so troubled, SWOT and Copa. That is when they gunned the motors; that is when they joined forces. That is when my sister did every single thing it would be in the power of an aunt to do to pretend to my so hurt daughter that family understood and forgave and stood by. <em>So she could hurt her, SWOT and Copa.</em></p><p></p><p>So they could destroy my child to the best of their capacities to do so.</p><p></p><p>That hurts me so much, to know they did that.</p><p></p><p>I am so surprised.</p><p></p><p>Copa had noted at one point that the nature of my descriptions of my sister seemed to have turned nastier, that she carried a demanding, self righteous flavor in the ways I described her. And she did, you guys. She did those things to me, and to us, to all of us. And the ground she stood up from was our terrible brokenness.</p><p></p><p>And I just keep tripping over that, this morning.</p><p></p><p>That they knew what they were doing. That they hunted me down, hunted my child down, to do it, with purpose and determined intent.</p><p></p><p>That is hatred. Rabid, neverending hatred right to the core of the thing.</p><p></p><p>And I am so surprised.</p><p></p><p>I do. I feel like a little kid, all deserted.</p><p></p><p>Or, like that warrior we were talking about on Seeking's thread. The battle was bloody, and the Earth itself is all torn up and saturated, like step in the mud and blood comes up saturated.</p><p></p><p>And I feel so sad, about that.</p><p></p><p>And I am deploying my detachment skills that I learned for my kids, and I am starting yoga again, for the body memory of it.</p><p></p><p>And I have that fierce karate instructor now, and that fits in here somewhere.</p><p></p><p>But it is a very quiet time in my heart, today.</p><p></p><p>If they came here today? I would not even be able to muster the French soldier from Lil and Jabber's pirate thread. And not the kilt man, either.</p><p></p><p>I am just so sad, this morning.</p><p></p><p>And I know it will pass, and I know these feelings were beneath all the things I knew and denied and so it is healing to have them.</p><p></p><p>And that is all I know about this healing process we are engaged in, this morning.</p><p></p><p>But there is a good thing here, too. I am seeing through my own eyes now, and I am seeing, not them, but <em>myself</em> differently.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658658, member: 17461"] I feel that way too, SWOT. So surprised that they could be wrong. Surprised again, in knowing [I]they meant it.[/I] It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't that they had a momentary thing and had been overwhelmed with emotion. It wasn't that they'd been hurt by me somehow, and were trying to re-establish balance for themselves. They actually meant to hurt me. I am so surprised. I am so surprised at my own hurt that I disregarded. I am surprised by the wash of bright, burning anger. [I]Where have I been keeping all that?[/I] How could I have continued believing in them? How could I have done that?!? And how, in all the hells that ever were, is it possible that there was no mercy, for me? I was thinking this morning about when everything got so bad, so truly hurtful between my mom and my sister and myself. It was when our daughter was so troubled, SWOT and Copa. That is when they gunned the motors; that is when they joined forces. That is when my sister did every single thing it would be in the power of an aunt to do to pretend to my so hurt daughter that family understood and forgave and stood by. [I]So she could hurt her, SWOT and Copa.[/I] So they could destroy my child to the best of their capacities to do so. That hurts me so much, to know they did that. I am so surprised. Copa had noted at one point that the nature of my descriptions of my sister seemed to have turned nastier, that she carried a demanding, self righteous flavor in the ways I described her. And she did, you guys. She did those things to me, and to us, to all of us. And the ground she stood up from was our terrible brokenness. And I just keep tripping over that, this morning. That they knew what they were doing. That they hunted me down, hunted my child down, to do it, with purpose and determined intent. That is hatred. Rabid, neverending hatred right to the core of the thing. And I am so surprised. I do. I feel like a little kid, all deserted. Or, like that warrior we were talking about on Seeking's thread. The battle was bloody, and the Earth itself is all torn up and saturated, like step in the mud and blood comes up saturated. And I feel so sad, about that. And I am deploying my detachment skills that I learned for my kids, and I am starting yoga again, for the body memory of it. And I have that fierce karate instructor now, and that fits in here somewhere. But it is a very quiet time in my heart, today. If they came here today? I would not even be able to muster the French soldier from Lil and Jabber's pirate thread. And not the kilt man, either. I am just so sad, this morning. And I know it will pass, and I know these feelings were beneath all the things I knew and denied and so it is healing to have them. And that is all I know about this healing process we are engaged in, this morning. But there is a good thing here, too. I am seeing through my own eyes now, and I am seeing, not them, but [I]myself[/I] differently. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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