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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 658661" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I am so sorry you are feeling sad this morning. I will share something I read somewhere (as I have started reading so much on this topic and, at the same time, I am embarassed that I am this old and it is still in the rental space in my head).</p><p></p><p>I read that in the autumn of our lives that is when we tend to sit back and wonder what our lives meant. I guess that's why so many of us oldsters are examining all we have seen and heard. And the truth of what was and what wasn't. For surely we did not live the truth or we buried it earlier because we were busy with our young children and work and other issues. This is our time to reflect, to learn, and to truly enjoy our golden years and I plan on it. You should too.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Thankfully for me, and sadly for you that it didn't happen, my FOO disliked me so much that my dear children never knew any of them. There was no aunt they would have given two seconds to listen to and that is a blessing. There is no uncle who could have used them, except for the older one who is now dead and only used them for a while. He took them each weekend or so in between his two wives as he could not stand being alone, then he disregarded them completely after he married again. If I had know he was forming a false bond with my young boys that he did not plan to keep up...no, he never even sent them birthday cards after that. What does that say about him?</p><p></p><p>This is the uncle who used to try to scare me when I was very young. The one I can picture in my room way, way back when my parents lived in Chicago. Must have been before I was five years old as we had a house by then.</p><p></p><p>What a prize. Yet he was seen as "so nice" by the other FOOs and his students loved him. He was a college professore. I find myself wondering if he truly liked his students or just wanted to BE well liked and liked attention, especially from good looking female students. He was a handsome man for as long as I knew him and he was also, I'm sure, scoring pretty high on the narcissistic scale. He was a mama's boy to the extreme.</p><p></p><p>So was my brother, but my brother did move away and my uncle tried to be near his mother for most of his life.</p><p></p><p>He was idealized by all in my FOO (the few of us who existed a nd, of course, I never thought he was that great or even that handsome).</p><p></p><p>Always the outcast in my thinking <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>Why bring him up? It was part of my pondering as I wrote. How could such a vain man be so idealized in anyone's FOO? He could do anything he wanted and he was terrific. Here is a good example of a Golden Boy/Scapegoat, Cedar. It is very telling. I wonder how FOO explained this discrepancy to themselves.</p><p></p><p>It was understood that everyone in my family marry a Jewish person. You were told you had to do it.</p><p></p><p>My uncle, however, dated a Chinese woman for years. I don't know if he ever dated ANY Jewish women. But I remember my grandmother always LOVED his girlfriends because..."They are so good to Uncle Vain and to me."</p><p></p><p>Now my mother's go-to topic when waking me up at 2am in the morning was that she suspected a boy I went out with maybe one time (as I never had a long term boyfriend as a teen) was not Jewish. Even when they were, and for the first two years of my dating career they mostly were, she was certain I lied and they were a "shiska" (Jewish word for gentile). Very little upset my mom about my life. My grades didn't matter. My messiness, inability to organize, emotional problems, and teasing my sister did not matter. My long hair mattered and dating Jewish boys mattered.</p><p></p><p>But Uncle Vain could date who he wanted and even my mother beamed. Maybe it was because he promised they would convert to Judaism. But the truth is, Uncle Vain was tied to his mother's umbilical cord his entire life emotionally, but he did exactly what he wanted to do, just like I did. The only difference is that anything he did, even if it was the same thing I did, was embraced. And everything I did, even if it was what he did, was denounced.</p><p></p><p>These nuggets of truth about Fun and Fraud in my Family came to me slowly as I hit my 40's and up. The last person I wanted to believe in has blown it. And now I can see it clearly down the path without obstruction in the way. And I'm grateful. Grateful that they were never Grandma, Great-Uncle, Uncle or Aunt to my kids, most of all. So grateful I could cry. That's why my family works (my REAL family, not FOO). These people, who see with cloudy eyes, are not in their lives.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I will never know why things happened like they did. Neither will you. We never know everything. But I do think maybe it's a shame that your sister was around to mess with your children. And your mother too to whisper bad advice in your ear, to make you feel bad and who knows what they said to your kids??? I get it that sister was hateful when your daughter was so sick. The people who you believed you could trust the most let you down. It is quite a shock when you first realize it. That's why we shout to ourselves "NONONO!" And it takes so long to face it.</p><p></p><p>I am slowly getting over the last shock (Thing 2) and am again picking myself up and healing and holding my head up to realize it is as it has always been. I made a mistake keeping Thing2 in my life after she did a three year cut off for something she was angry about ten years before.</p><p></p><p>But it's never too late to have a good life and, Cedar, you have one. You just need to accept that the things you are learning that shock you have always been there. You just didn't see it yet. Nothing has changed. Nothing except YOU.</p><p></p><p>Can you maybe do something really nice for yourself today? Remember, this is not new behavior. It is just new to us...our realization of it. That's how I look at it. And I feel pretty darn silly that it took me this long to get it all figured out. But with good therapy (you shouldn't give up on a good WOMAN therapist) and self-awareness, it is clear to me now. My own way of being affected by my FOO, especially mother, may not have taken the same turn as my siblings has/had, but it was abusive. And that set the stage for the tiny family to jump in and carefully listen to her and to then get overly picky about me. Not saying I never did anything wrong and wasn't disturbed. They knew I was. Wouldn't that make a loving family more understanding? I think so.</p><p></p><p>It just means that they never loved me the way normal families love one another.</p><p></p><p>I keep reminding myself that I am the only one lelft standing who can have intimacy without fear. It took hard work to do it, but it was worth it.</p><p></p><p>When I thtink, those Mother tapes in my head, "My sister hates me and my brother also things I'm bad, so it must be true or they'd be talking to me because they are so nice"...I just remember that Sister is still talking andl probably bedding a man who has abused her so badly that he had her in chronic pain over him, addicted to h im, last time we spoke. And s he doesn't stop talking to him. So it isn't that I abused her. Heaven knows, she has told me many times "He's not a nice man" and "He does abuse me." But she is still with him. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.</p><p></p><p>Yes, HER.</p><p></p><p>She isn't not talking to me because I'm abusive.</p><p></p><p>Dating a married man with a kid is abusive, Sis. And morally despicable. Yes, it is. That is you. Do what you do for your own sake only. I see you, Sis. A cheater is a liar, Sis. Tell your forum what YOU do, Sis.</p><p></p><p>All of them think everyone is borderline. Surely, they'd label you borderline too.</p><p></p><p>And remember you also think your boyfriend is borderline.</p><p></p><p>I think he's an alcoholic who has a sucker for a girlfriend, but that's you. You are not strong and you don't know how to get away from him or me. That's why you read this. </p><p></p><p>I tried to HELP you with him for four years, but I'm abusive.</p><p></p><p>Begone.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, that is who these people are. We don't need that.</p><p></p><p>She doesn't care if people abuse her. She only cares if she thinks *I* did.</p><p></p><p>It's so obvious that it makes me laugh these days.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, remember, they have their own stories in their heads and you have your truth. Nobody holds your truth except you. Nobody knows your motives, your pain, your happiness...nobody knows you except you.</p><p></p><p>You are enough. I am enough.</p><p></p><p>F them <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 658661, member: 1550"] I am so sorry you are feeling sad this morning. I will share something I read somewhere (as I have started reading so much on this topic and, at the same time, I am embarassed that I am this old and it is still in the rental space in my head). I read that in the autumn of our lives that is when we tend to sit back and wonder what our lives meant. I guess that's why so many of us oldsters are examining all we have seen and heard. And the truth of what was and what wasn't. For surely we did not live the truth or we buried it earlier because we were busy with our young children and work and other issues. This is our time to reflect, to learn, and to truly enjoy our golden years and I plan on it. You should too. Thankfully for me, and sadly for you that it didn't happen, my FOO disliked me so much that my dear children never knew any of them. There was no aunt they would have given two seconds to listen to and that is a blessing. There is no uncle who could have used them, except for the older one who is now dead and only used them for a while. He took them each weekend or so in between his two wives as he could not stand being alone, then he disregarded them completely after he married again. If I had know he was forming a false bond with my young boys that he did not plan to keep up...no, he never even sent them birthday cards after that. What does that say about him? This is the uncle who used to try to scare me when I was very young. The one I can picture in my room way, way back when my parents lived in Chicago. Must have been before I was five years old as we had a house by then. What a prize. Yet he was seen as "so nice" by the other FOOs and his students loved him. He was a college professore. I find myself wondering if he truly liked his students or just wanted to BE well liked and liked attention, especially from good looking female students. He was a handsome man for as long as I knew him and he was also, I'm sure, scoring pretty high on the narcissistic scale. He was a mama's boy to the extreme. So was my brother, but my brother did move away and my uncle tried to be near his mother for most of his life. He was idealized by all in my FOO (the few of us who existed a nd, of course, I never thought he was that great or even that handsome). Always the outcast in my thinking ;) Why bring him up? It was part of my pondering as I wrote. How could such a vain man be so idealized in anyone's FOO? He could do anything he wanted and he was terrific. Here is a good example of a Golden Boy/Scapegoat, Cedar. It is very telling. I wonder how FOO explained this discrepancy to themselves. It was understood that everyone in my family marry a Jewish person. You were told you had to do it. My uncle, however, dated a Chinese woman for years. I don't know if he ever dated ANY Jewish women. But I remember my grandmother always LOVED his girlfriends because..."They are so good to Uncle Vain and to me." Now my mother's go-to topic when waking me up at 2am in the morning was that she suspected a boy I went out with maybe one time (as I never had a long term boyfriend as a teen) was not Jewish. Even when they were, and for the first two years of my dating career they mostly were, she was certain I lied and they were a "shiska" (Jewish word for gentile). Very little upset my mom about my life. My grades didn't matter. My messiness, inability to organize, emotional problems, and teasing my sister did not matter. My long hair mattered and dating Jewish boys mattered. But Uncle Vain could date who he wanted and even my mother beamed. Maybe it was because he promised they would convert to Judaism. But the truth is, Uncle Vain was tied to his mother's umbilical cord his entire life emotionally, but he did exactly what he wanted to do, just like I did. The only difference is that anything he did, even if it was the same thing I did, was embraced. And everything I did, even if it was what he did, was denounced. These nuggets of truth about Fun and Fraud in my Family came to me slowly as I hit my 40's and up. The last person I wanted to believe in has blown it. And now I can see it clearly down the path without obstruction in the way. And I'm grateful. Grateful that they were never Grandma, Great-Uncle, Uncle or Aunt to my kids, most of all. So grateful I could cry. That's why my family works (my REAL family, not FOO). These people, who see with cloudy eyes, are not in their lives. Cedar, I will never know why things happened like they did. Neither will you. We never know everything. But I do think maybe it's a shame that your sister was around to mess with your children. And your mother too to whisper bad advice in your ear, to make you feel bad and who knows what they said to your kids??? I get it that sister was hateful when your daughter was so sick. The people who you believed you could trust the most let you down. It is quite a shock when you first realize it. That's why we shout to ourselves "NONONO!" And it takes so long to face it. I am slowly getting over the last shock (Thing 2) and am again picking myself up and healing and holding my head up to realize it is as it has always been. I made a mistake keeping Thing2 in my life after she did a three year cut off for something she was angry about ten years before. But it's never too late to have a good life and, Cedar, you have one. You just need to accept that the things you are learning that shock you have always been there. You just didn't see it yet. Nothing has changed. Nothing except YOU. Can you maybe do something really nice for yourself today? Remember, this is not new behavior. It is just new to us...our realization of it. That's how I look at it. And I feel pretty darn silly that it took me this long to get it all figured out. But with good therapy (you shouldn't give up on a good WOMAN therapist) and self-awareness, it is clear to me now. My own way of being affected by my FOO, especially mother, may not have taken the same turn as my siblings has/had, but it was abusive. And that set the stage for the tiny family to jump in and carefully listen to her and to then get overly picky about me. Not saying I never did anything wrong and wasn't disturbed. They knew I was. Wouldn't that make a loving family more understanding? I think so. It just means that they never loved me the way normal families love one another. I keep reminding myself that I am the only one lelft standing who can have intimacy without fear. It took hard work to do it, but it was worth it. When I thtink, those Mother tapes in my head, "My sister hates me and my brother also things I'm bad, so it must be true or they'd be talking to me because they are so nice"...I just remember that Sister is still talking andl probably bedding a man who has abused her so badly that he had her in chronic pain over him, addicted to h im, last time we spoke. And s he doesn't stop talking to him. So it isn't that I abused her. Heaven knows, she has told me many times "He's not a nice man" and "He does abuse me." But she is still with him. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. Yes, HER. She isn't not talking to me because I'm abusive. Dating a married man with a kid is abusive, Sis. And morally despicable. Yes, it is. That is you. Do what you do for your own sake only. I see you, Sis. A cheater is a liar, Sis. Tell your forum what YOU do, Sis. All of them think everyone is borderline. Surely, they'd label you borderline too. And remember you also think your boyfriend is borderline. I think he's an alcoholic who has a sucker for a girlfriend, but that's you. You are not strong and you don't know how to get away from him or me. That's why you read this. I tried to HELP you with him for four years, but I'm abusive. Begone. Cedar, that is who these people are. We don't need that. She doesn't care if people abuse her. She only cares if she thinks *I* did. It's so obvious that it makes me laugh these days. Cedar, remember, they have their own stories in their heads and you have your truth. Nobody holds your truth except you. Nobody knows your motives, your pain, your happiness...nobody knows you except you. You are enough. I am enough. F them ;) [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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