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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658682" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I thought about this aspect of things, Copa. My sister feels entitled too, now that I think about it. She was all about Rolex watches. She may have one, now. But she would look down her nose at those who did not have them when she didn't. Things like that. I don't know what the other entitlements may be or have been. The exclusion of the other sibs. That could be an entitlement mindset. Nothing else would explain it. She is so causally cruel about my mother's nastiness regarding my brother's grands, or the treatment of the girl born with spina bifida. The way my sister feels about the man who wanted to marry my mother...the rage behind it, the sense of betray she feels now surrounding the whole issue of this man still in my mother's life. That could be a sense of entitlement. I will read the points you made regarding diagnosis. I skipped through them the first time I read your post. I am uncomfortable with that kind of labeling, but this may be information that will clarify things further for me. Thank you Copa, for taking the trouble to post them here, for me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Because she behaved as though she were jealous, or as though she were ~ okay, so here's the truth. Because I am forever taking responsibility for things, for smoothing things over and not being stuck in destructive feelings; I am quick to say I am sorry and I mean it. I believe there is such pain in the world and I truly do not get why people would cause pain intentionally so I always think there must be a misunderstanding. I do not intend to hurt or belittle or be arrogant or show off or do other hurtful things. I do of course, sometimes. (This is my mother: "Don't think, Cedar.") I want to make it better wherever I have been, and for sure, I don't want to have made it worse through carelessness or willfulness or stupidity.</p><p></p><p>But those things do happen.</p><p></p><p>So, I try to be better, to not hurt them, or me, or anyone. I return again and again to SWOT's post about fluidity, about that flexibility/rigidity continuum in healthy families. I get it that I can be so unaware. But it isn't a willful thing on my part.</p><p></p><p>So, that is how I take the blame, or the responsibility, which is a term I think more closely applies, for how my sister feels when she is, as it turns out, manipulating me. And I see that there is an effort to take control there, on my part. But addressing the elephant (once you see it, and then, once you can finally see it correctly) is a good thing to do. Otherwise, everyone just stays stuck where they are and things escalate from there, though the thing was wrong from its inception.</p><p></p><p>We are a family who turns away, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to do that, I don't want that to happen...but somehow, it does. It happens, to me. I am the odd man out, but I never can figure out why. Until this last time, when I spoke out about the things that were happening that I did not think were right. Once I see it, I cannot not say it. Most of the time, I don't see things the way they really might be.</p><p></p><p>Rotten.</p><p></p><p>In my individual case which, as we share our thoughts here, seems also to be a pattern for those brought up in abusive environments, the thing I needed to understand was that not everyone thinks like me. ("Just don't think, Cedar.") They hate me. My own sister and my own mother, Copa. They really do detest me. I am still stumbling over that. But it is a familiar stumbling place, now. It is coming into "My own sister, my own <em>mother</em>, hate and detest and harbor terrible feelings toward me and my people and my children; and that's just what is."</p><p></p><p>So, that's like, one or two steps from: It is what it is. No big deal.</p><p></p><p>But I had a really hard time seeing that, and I still feel badly for myself that this is so.</p><p></p><p>I do.</p><p></p><p>Bereft.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have been jealous of my sister a million times. I can remember getting one of those horses (I always loved horses) kids ride on for Christmas one year? And my sister climbed on it without any bottoms on and I was so mad!!!</p><p></p><p>Ha!</p><p></p><p>But even this minute Copa, I see her being hurt. I feel that same, sick weakness roll through me. I feel helpless and I see her crying and I feel so sorry that happened to her. And it's like, you might wish a thousand bad things would happen to someone over any little thing? But when really bad things happen and nothing can stop it and you are caught in that place ~ huh. So maybe, that protectiveness I feel began in a child's jealousy, in that powerful kind of hating or loving or being knocked aside or embarrassed that I am displaced, not enough? That could be it, Copa.</p><p></p><p>That somewhere in the magical child of me, I thought I was responsible for what happened. Believed I had caused it with my thinking. (Just don't think, Cedar.) That could be, Copa. It's beginning to circle, and that is how it feels to connect to and undo a trauma.</p><p></p><p>Well, huh.</p><p></p><p>I had never looked at it that way. I still remember how mad I was that she got on my brand new horse without any pants on.</p><p></p><p>And it does connect, immediately, to that same imagery I described above.</p><p> </p><p>And to my mother: "Just don't think, Cedar."</p><p></p><p>And to my fear of that lust of vengeance feeling; and to the first therapist and whatever I might have done that he felt threatened enough or repulsed enough or whatever it was he felt, to have said I was a manipulator, and that he would never accept the compliments of someone like that. Oh, how I wish he'd never done that.</p><p></p><p>Well he did, and that's that.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So at some level then, I am thinking I made or caused or encouraged or wished for my mother to do what she did. That doesn't feel quite right, because she did it to me, too. But it could be that I believed I deserved what she did, because I was thinking like that. Or that I found validation for the hatred and contempt in my mother because, whether she knew it or not, I had been thinking those bad things. If she had known I was thinking like that, this could be a justification for the abusive out of controlness; that could be why a mother would strangle a child, even. Or, a child might make sense of things in exactly that way.</p><p></p><p>In exactly that way, Copa.</p><p></p><p>To make sense of why.</p><p></p><p>So, that could be a huge piece of how my psyche works.</p><p></p><p>And it would dovetail nicely with my feeling responsible for everything that happens. And somehow, that dovetails with the way little girls are made to feel responsible when they are sexualized by adults.</p><p></p><p>Oh, brother.</p><p></p><p>I don't even want to go there. But I suppose I will.</p><p></p><p>So now I have to think about this for a little while.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658682, member: 17461"] I thought about this aspect of things, Copa. My sister feels entitled too, now that I think about it. She was all about Rolex watches. She may have one, now. But she would look down her nose at those who did not have them when she didn't. Things like that. I don't know what the other entitlements may be or have been. The exclusion of the other sibs. That could be an entitlement mindset. Nothing else would explain it. She is so causally cruel about my mother's nastiness regarding my brother's grands, or the treatment of the girl born with spina bifida. The way my sister feels about the man who wanted to marry my mother...the rage behind it, the sense of betray she feels now surrounding the whole issue of this man still in my mother's life. That could be a sense of entitlement. I will read the points you made regarding diagnosis. I skipped through them the first time I read your post. I am uncomfortable with that kind of labeling, but this may be information that will clarify things further for me. Thank you Copa, for taking the trouble to post them here, for me. Because she behaved as though she were jealous, or as though she were ~ okay, so here's the truth. Because I am forever taking responsibility for things, for smoothing things over and not being stuck in destructive feelings; I am quick to say I am sorry and I mean it. I believe there is such pain in the world and I truly do not get why people would cause pain intentionally so I always think there must be a misunderstanding. I do not intend to hurt or belittle or be arrogant or show off or do other hurtful things. I do of course, sometimes. (This is my mother: "Don't think, Cedar.") I want to make it better wherever I have been, and for sure, I don't want to have made it worse through carelessness or willfulness or stupidity. But those things do happen. So, I try to be better, to not hurt them, or me, or anyone. I return again and again to SWOT's post about fluidity, about that flexibility/rigidity continuum in healthy families. I get it that I can be so unaware. But it isn't a willful thing on my part. So, that is how I take the blame, or the responsibility, which is a term I think more closely applies, for how my sister feels when she is, as it turns out, manipulating me. And I see that there is an effort to take control there, on my part. But addressing the elephant (once you see it, and then, once you can finally see it correctly) is a good thing to do. Otherwise, everyone just stays stuck where they are and things escalate from there, though the thing was wrong from its inception. We are a family who turns away, Copa. I don't want to do that, I don't want that to happen...but somehow, it does. It happens, to me. I am the odd man out, but I never can figure out why. Until this last time, when I spoke out about the things that were happening that I did not think were right. Once I see it, I cannot not say it. Most of the time, I don't see things the way they really might be. Rotten. In my individual case which, as we share our thoughts here, seems also to be a pattern for those brought up in abusive environments, the thing I needed to understand was that not everyone thinks like me. ("Just don't think, Cedar.") They hate me. My own sister and my own mother, Copa. They really do detest me. I am still stumbling over that. But it is a familiar stumbling place, now. It is coming into "My own sister, my own [I]mother[/I], hate and detest and harbor terrible feelings toward me and my people and my children; and that's just what is." So, that's like, one or two steps from: It is what it is. No big deal. But I had a really hard time seeing that, and I still feel badly for myself that this is so. I do. Bereft. I have been jealous of my sister a million times. I can remember getting one of those horses (I always loved horses) kids ride on for Christmas one year? And my sister climbed on it without any bottoms on and I was so mad!!! Ha! But even this minute Copa, I see her being hurt. I feel that same, sick weakness roll through me. I feel helpless and I see her crying and I feel so sorry that happened to her. And it's like, you might wish a thousand bad things would happen to someone over any little thing? But when really bad things happen and nothing can stop it and you are caught in that place ~ huh. So maybe, that protectiveness I feel began in a child's jealousy, in that powerful kind of hating or loving or being knocked aside or embarrassed that I am displaced, not enough? That could be it, Copa. That somewhere in the magical child of me, I thought I was responsible for what happened. Believed I had caused it with my thinking. (Just don't think, Cedar.) That could be, Copa. It's beginning to circle, and that is how it feels to connect to and undo a trauma. Well, huh. I had never looked at it that way. I still remember how mad I was that she got on my brand new horse without any pants on. And it does connect, immediately, to that same imagery I described above. And to my mother: "Just don't think, Cedar." And to my fear of that lust of vengeance feeling; and to the first therapist and whatever I might have done that he felt threatened enough or repulsed enough or whatever it was he felt, to have said I was a manipulator, and that he would never accept the compliments of someone like that. Oh, how I wish he'd never done that. Well he did, and that's that. *** So at some level then, I am thinking I made or caused or encouraged or wished for my mother to do what she did. That doesn't feel quite right, because she did it to me, too. But it could be that I believed I deserved what she did, because I was thinking like that. Or that I found validation for the hatred and contempt in my mother because, whether she knew it or not, I had been thinking those bad things. If she had known I was thinking like that, this could be a justification for the abusive out of controlness; that could be why a mother would strangle a child, even. Or, a child might make sense of things in exactly that way. In exactly that way, Copa. To make sense of why. So, that could be a huge piece of how my psyche works. And it would dovetail nicely with my feeling responsible for everything that happens. And somehow, that dovetails with the way little girls are made to feel responsible when they are sexualized by adults. Oh, brother. I don't even want to go there. But I suppose I will. So now I have to think about this for a little while. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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