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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 658699" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, at the end of the day, we are light years away from our FOO. they feel one way, maybe because they truly believe it or maybe because they don't believe anything that didn't happen to them could have happened to anyone else or maybe because they can't face something they don't want to belive...or it may be about THEM. And they probably think it's about us for their own reasons. I don't doubt their truths. I have never been perfect. The thing I care the most about is that I was able to be a good mother to my own kids, as stated by all my kids except for Goneboy. Goneboy is entitled to his feelings too. I respect him and leave him be as there is still so much love in my life. It may not come from those I grew up with and one child, who came to us at six (and, yes, I think that is significant), but m ost people who have been in my life through the years are still in it. Not that I let many people in.</p><p></p><p>I was smart that way. I don't think most people are trustworthy or real friends...I've heard too much gossip and negative talk about one's "friends." Cliques are lethal that way.</p><p></p><p>My ex and I get along, and we didn't have a good marriage, but we DID acknowledge or faults, our duo reasons why the relationship did not work, and we are definitely on good terms now. He calls me about Bart and Princess if he has a question and I do him too.</p><p></p><p>I still am in touch with my longest, dearest friend from when I was waiting for Princess to arrive from Korea.The only reason we don't see each other often is distance.</p><p></p><p>My other BBFF passed away. We had called one another sisters and she is still with me. I can feel her presence. As I talk to all my loved ones who have moved on to another world, I talk to her. The most. She was so kind and good and wise and we spent so many hours in her kitchen bouncing off of one another verbally...she told me her issues, I told her mine. We shared our joys and pain. We actually never had an altercation. We loved one an other very much.</p><p></p><p>When I went to her funeral I bawled like a baby and had to find a place to collect myself. SHE was a loved one that I lost, a terrible loss for me. And I still think about and am FB friends with her kids, who are doing well (as of the last time I checked my FB, which admittedly was a while ago).</p><p></p><p>She understood me. I understood her. She had been abused so badly that she ended up in foster care at 16 and tried to k ill herslef and, like me, was in a hospital for a while. We knew where each other had come from in a way most don't understand. Yet here she was, a person who others came to for advice and solace, no longer depressed, no longer cowering, in one of the best, most loving marriages I have ever seen and her kids adored her. In the end, she won with love. She wanted that for me too. She got to see me and my husband meet and marry. She died at 50 of breast cancer. It broke my heart.</p><p></p><p>You have peeps who understand you, even if it is only Copa and me. But we are here. You know that. I feel you are a very good person who just sees the best in everyone, not a cynic like me. You are having more trouble detaching bescause you have more trouble seeing ugliness where there should be love.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, in the end, if we don't see eye-to-eye with somebody, anybody, and it hurts us, we need to let go unless we can all sit a big roundtable, listen to one another, and discuss our differences and agree to disagree. This will not happen in our situations.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I want to share something I heard on a YouTube tape about judging, which I do. I am going to try to hold back on using judging as much as I can from now on because the moderator made sense. She said it is helpful our own mental health if instead of talking about our own sense of "good", "bad," or "evil" we just state the truth about a situation. I'll give the example she gave.</p><p></p><p>"Mary lied about that so she is a liar and did a bad thing." (It was more eloquently stated than I wrote)</p><p></p><p>Instead, the psychologist urged you tot hinkj of a less emotion response to the incident and to just state the facts. "Mary lied and there were consequences for that." We don't judge what is bad...or good...or evil. We are not in a position to know. We can state facts. Facts are facts. They are real. The added on "bad" statement is an emotional reaction from us and our own feelings, not a truth that can be proven. We can't prove Mary is "bad."</p><p></p><p>At the time we are trying not to judge other people, which I hope I can do with some success, we also are told to stop judging the person we judge the harshest of all: OURSELVES! Hehe. Nobody gets the "you are worthless" treatment from me like I give to myself. This is common in those who suffer poor self esteem. I am going to try this on myself too. That will be the herdest task of all, but it makes sense. I'm so tired of telling myself, "You are bad." "You are worthless." Blah, blah, blah.</p><p></p><p>And I have to stop caring if I am judged. That says more about the person than it says about the judged one. And this includes my own judging. I want to stop. Facts only. We'll see how it goes.</p><p></p><p>I hope you are feeling good today.</p><p></p><p>My detaching is going well and I am feeling good.</p><p></p><p>Take care of yourself today. You. YOU!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 658699, member: 1550"] Cedar, at the end of the day, we are light years away from our FOO. they feel one way, maybe because they truly believe it or maybe because they don't believe anything that didn't happen to them could have happened to anyone else or maybe because they can't face something they don't want to belive...or it may be about THEM. And they probably think it's about us for their own reasons. I don't doubt their truths. I have never been perfect. The thing I care the most about is that I was able to be a good mother to my own kids, as stated by all my kids except for Goneboy. Goneboy is entitled to his feelings too. I respect him and leave him be as there is still so much love in my life. It may not come from those I grew up with and one child, who came to us at six (and, yes, I think that is significant), but m ost people who have been in my life through the years are still in it. Not that I let many people in. I was smart that way. I don't think most people are trustworthy or real friends...I've heard too much gossip and negative talk about one's "friends." Cliques are lethal that way. My ex and I get along, and we didn't have a good marriage, but we DID acknowledge or faults, our duo reasons why the relationship did not work, and we are definitely on good terms now. He calls me about Bart and Princess if he has a question and I do him too. I still am in touch with my longest, dearest friend from when I was waiting for Princess to arrive from Korea.The only reason we don't see each other often is distance. My other BBFF passed away. We had called one another sisters and she is still with me. I can feel her presence. As I talk to all my loved ones who have moved on to another world, I talk to her. The most. She was so kind and good and wise and we spent so many hours in her kitchen bouncing off of one another verbally...she told me her issues, I told her mine. We shared our joys and pain. We actually never had an altercation. We loved one an other very much. When I went to her funeral I bawled like a baby and had to find a place to collect myself. SHE was a loved one that I lost, a terrible loss for me. And I still think about and am FB friends with her kids, who are doing well (as of the last time I checked my FB, which admittedly was a while ago). She understood me. I understood her. She had been abused so badly that she ended up in foster care at 16 and tried to k ill herslef and, like me, was in a hospital for a while. We knew where each other had come from in a way most don't understand. Yet here she was, a person who others came to for advice and solace, no longer depressed, no longer cowering, in one of the best, most loving marriages I have ever seen and her kids adored her. In the end, she won with love. She wanted that for me too. She got to see me and my husband meet and marry. She died at 50 of breast cancer. It broke my heart. You have peeps who understand you, even if it is only Copa and me. But we are here. You know that. I feel you are a very good person who just sees the best in everyone, not a cynic like me. You are having more trouble detaching bescause you have more trouble seeing ugliness where there should be love. Cedar, in the end, if we don't see eye-to-eye with somebody, anybody, and it hurts us, we need to let go unless we can all sit a big roundtable, listen to one another, and discuss our differences and agree to disagree. This will not happen in our situations. Cedar, I want to share something I heard on a YouTube tape about judging, which I do. I am going to try to hold back on using judging as much as I can from now on because the moderator made sense. She said it is helpful our own mental health if instead of talking about our own sense of "good", "bad," or "evil" we just state the truth about a situation. I'll give the example she gave. "Mary lied about that so she is a liar and did a bad thing." (It was more eloquently stated than I wrote) Instead, the psychologist urged you tot hinkj of a less emotion response to the incident and to just state the facts. "Mary lied and there were consequences for that." We don't judge what is bad...or good...or evil. We are not in a position to know. We can state facts. Facts are facts. They are real. The added on "bad" statement is an emotional reaction from us and our own feelings, not a truth that can be proven. We can't prove Mary is "bad." At the time we are trying not to judge other people, which I hope I can do with some success, we also are told to stop judging the person we judge the harshest of all: OURSELVES! Hehe. Nobody gets the "you are worthless" treatment from me like I give to myself. This is common in those who suffer poor self esteem. I am going to try this on myself too. That will be the herdest task of all, but it makes sense. I'm so tired of telling myself, "You are bad." "You are worthless." Blah, blah, blah. And I have to stop caring if I am judged. That says more about the person than it says about the judged one. And this includes my own judging. I want to stop. Facts only. We'll see how it goes. I hope you are feeling good today. My detaching is going well and I am feeling good. Take care of yourself today. You. YOU! [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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