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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 658700" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Very sad today but will try briefly to respond. SWOT, Cedar was scapegoated because of what her mother embodied, not because of characteristics of her own. Neither one nor the other, compliance or questioning, merits abuse.</p><p></p><p>I feel like this is what my sister did when she robbed my stuff that I stupidly left in her safekeeping. While she demanded money, kind of like protection money, she systematically rifled through and took what of my stuff she wanted (this is when she stole all of my pictures and the little artwork I had collected during my life) even returning to me a down comforter spotted with menstrual blood.</p><p></p><p>Yep, that's me with my sister. And ditto, too, for my mother.</p><p></p><p>Nobody can Cedar.</p><p></p><p>I know a woman who said to me the first time I met her, at the service for my mother, that she mourned her mother not at all when that mother died, as "she had not been a mother at all."</p><p></p><p>I recoiled from this woman, then. (Overcome with feelings of loss and guilt about my mother, as I am, still.)</p><p></p><p>She later told me that her daughter had rejected her after her husband divorced her for her child's best friend's mother who had been her own best friend. The estrangement between mother and daughter lasted decades. And that recently the woman had found a way to have a relationship with this same daughter and her family, despite all that had passed. She chose this, sacrificing much, to have some relationship, with her child and her child's children.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking now I want this woman as a friend. That she could perhaps understand what I have gone through. And I admire her strength and her honesty, too. Her clarity, too. And her commitment.</p><p></p><p>So, my point here was, this woman knew her mother had damaged her. And she knows that that was the mother she lost, a mother who had never been much of a mother.</p><p></p><p>A good mother, she had <em><strong>never</strong></em> had.</p><p></p><p>She knew that the loss was not of her mother, but of having a loving mother. And she knew that that loss was one of her whole life full. Not the loss of the person who was supposed to have been her mother. To not have a real mother--that had been her great loss. Need I repeat this again? Lest I miss it.</p><p></p><p>Not the loss of the person who has that name. Different things. And this woman knew it.</p><p></p><p> Yes.</p><p></p><p>Your mother seems like a person who needs contempt and uses contempt for her own ends (and need), <em><strong>regardless</strong></em> of who and when, even, perhaps, especially against her children. She never lets it go, because that is how she is, who she is. She wants to be this person. And she could not care less. I doubt if it has crossed her mind, even.</p><p></p><p>She can <strong><em>temporarily</em></strong> suspend this trait if she wants to, if it suits her, for a short time and under hothouse conditions, if to benefit herself, she chooses such. It has nothing to do with her target, good or bad, or mediocre, even if they are her children. Nothing. That is who she is and chooses to be because that is who she is. She never gives it a thought. </p><p></p><p>Like a tiger.</p><p></p><p>I used to say when I wanted to get a point across to a person who had difficulty accepting something such as this: Does a tiger have stripes? Do they go after their prey or meditate about it?</p><p></p><p>Every time I read this, Cedar, I cringe and feel pain in my stomach and heart. My grandfather had a workbench. A huge thing made of oak that had been a counter in his cleaning store. My grandmother and he had worked at that counter for 50 years. I begged my mother for years for that counter.</p><p></p><p>Until it was no longer there.</p><p></p><p>Oh, I got rid of it.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if it went to my sister, then newly remarried, to a man who may have wanted it. Or where, it went.</p><p></p><p>But that was my mother. She never ever that I can remember kept a commitment she had made to me. Because it cost her nothing, to get rid of that counter. That is who she was.</p><p></p><p>She chose it. Over and over again.</p><p></p><p>I could have been Princess Di and she would have chosen it. Because that is who my mother was.</p><p></p><p>Of course, if there was some reward to her of <em><strong>not betraying somebody </strong></em>she could override that tendency. But there was nothing in her that cared one way or another, if it did not as she saw it benefit her. And at the end of the day, that was her.</p><p>Yes. To have a parent incapable of holding you in their mind and heart for even something so small as a thing....is indeed worthy of grief. The task of that adult child is to accept that it has nothing at all to do with who she is. The problem with accepting this is even worse.</p><p></p><p>For a child, even now adult, to accept that their parent does not see them at all in their individuality, is as if to put into question their identity, and for that child, to not have an identity at all, I think.</p><p></p><p>That is what my sister did to me using as justification that her mother had done it to her. And she justifies refusing me something easily copied, a photo, I am sure, because I saw to it that she did not destroy and overpower me in the distribution of my mother's assets.</p><p></p><p>Because, after all, it was her right to have all that she wished to have...even if it was everything. Because, she was, after all, her mother's daughter.</p><p></p><p>That is who she is Cedar, glorying in when and how she can hurt her children, when she can, if she wants, whenever she wants. Child abuser. Is there another word for it? And was my mother or SWOT's any different? Not at all.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, Cedar and SWOT.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 658700, member: 18958"] Very sad today but will try briefly to respond. SWOT, Cedar was scapegoated because of what her mother embodied, not because of characteristics of her own. Neither one nor the other, compliance or questioning, merits abuse. I feel like this is what my sister did when she robbed my stuff that I stupidly left in her safekeeping. While she demanded money, kind of like protection money, she systematically rifled through and took what of my stuff she wanted (this is when she stole all of my pictures and the little artwork I had collected during my life) even returning to me a down comforter spotted with menstrual blood. Yep, that's me with my sister. And ditto, too, for my mother. Nobody can Cedar. I know a woman who said to me the first time I met her, at the service for my mother, that she mourned her mother not at all when that mother died, as "she had not been a mother at all." I recoiled from this woman, then. (Overcome with feelings of loss and guilt about my mother, as I am, still.) She later told me that her daughter had rejected her after her husband divorced her for her child's best friend's mother who had been her own best friend. The estrangement between mother and daughter lasted decades. And that recently the woman had found a way to have a relationship with this same daughter and her family, despite all that had passed. She chose this, sacrificing much, to have some relationship, with her child and her child's children. I am thinking now I want this woman as a friend. That she could perhaps understand what I have gone through. And I admire her strength and her honesty, too. Her clarity, too. And her commitment. So, my point here was, this woman knew her mother had damaged her. And she knows that that was the mother she lost, a mother who had never been much of a mother. A good mother, she had [I][B]never[/B][/I] had. She knew that the loss was not of her mother, but of having a loving mother. And she knew that that loss was one of her whole life full. Not the loss of the person who was supposed to have been her mother. To not have a real mother--that had been her great loss. Need I repeat this again? Lest I miss it. Not the loss of the person who has that name. Different things. And this woman knew it. Yes. Your mother seems like a person who needs contempt and uses contempt for her own ends (and need), [I][B]regardless[/B][/I] of who and when, even, perhaps, especially against her children. She never lets it go, because that is how she is, who she is. She wants to be this person. And she could not care less. I doubt if it has crossed her mind, even. She can [B][I]temporarily[/I][/B] suspend this trait if she wants to, if it suits her, for a short time and under hothouse conditions, if to benefit herself, she chooses such. It has nothing to do with her target, good or bad, or mediocre, even if they are her children. Nothing. That is who she is and chooses to be because that is who she is. She never gives it a thought. Like a tiger. I used to say when I wanted to get a point across to a person who had difficulty accepting something such as this: Does a tiger have stripes? Do they go after their prey or meditate about it? Every time I read this, Cedar, I cringe and feel pain in my stomach and heart. My grandfather had a workbench. A huge thing made of oak that had been a counter in his cleaning store. My grandmother and he had worked at that counter for 50 years. I begged my mother for years for that counter. Until it was no longer there. Oh, I got rid of it. I don't know if it went to my sister, then newly remarried, to a man who may have wanted it. Or where, it went. But that was my mother. She never ever that I can remember kept a commitment she had made to me. Because it cost her nothing, to get rid of that counter. That is who she was. She chose it. Over and over again. I could have been Princess Di and she would have chosen it. Because that is who my mother was. Of course, if there was some reward to her of [I][B]not betraying somebody [/B][/I]she could override that tendency. But there was nothing in her that cared one way or another, if it did not as she saw it benefit her. And at the end of the day, that was her. Yes. To have a parent incapable of holding you in their mind and heart for even something so small as a thing....is indeed worthy of grief. The task of that adult child is to accept that it has nothing at all to do with who she is. The problem with accepting this is even worse. For a child, even now adult, to accept that their parent does not see them at all in their individuality, is as if to put into question their identity, and for that child, to not have an identity at all, I think. That is what my sister did to me using as justification that her mother had done it to her. And she justifies refusing me something easily copied, a photo, I am sure, because I saw to it that she did not destroy and overpower me in the distribution of my mother's assets. Because, after all, it was her right to have all that she wished to have...even if it was everything. Because, she was, after all, her mother's daughter. That is who she is Cedar, glorying in when and how she can hurt her children, when she can, if she wants, whenever she wants. Child abuser. Is there another word for it? And was my mother or SWOT's any different? Not at all. I am sorry, Cedar and SWOT. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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