Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 660290" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Ha! So, I wrote this reasoned response and etc. What it comes down to though is that I am so terminally p*issed off about all of it.</p><p></p><p>For Heaven's sake/ WTF.</p><p></p><p>I am not sure whether I am more upset over the things they've done and done and done, or at myself for putting up with it and making excuses for it and dancing all around any and all of it ever. It would have been a cleaner thing for me never to have seen them again once I could freaking walk.</p><p></p><p>And Die Hard, like Bruce Willis.</p><p></p><p>I must be feeling bad now out of habit; poor me with no family.<em> Who needs that kind of family?</em> <em>Those little weasels are out to get me.</em></p><p></p><p>Yay me for finally standing up for once when I cut the freaking ties that bind last year.</p><p></p><p>Snip.</p><p></p><p>My mother is a kind of a person who beats little kids. My sister is a kind of person who prays a ring of thorns around her own sister<em> and her children</em> to "bring her to the Lord".</p><p></p><p>What a frighteningly sick little turd.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, here is the response that got me to this place where I finally can see a little more clearly.</p><p></p><p>Bunch of jerks.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Probably all those things, Copa. </p><p></p><p>In answering your questions, I ran headlong into how intensely toxic interacting with my Family of Origin is. I mean, they are cute, and they do the craziest things ~ but there is always that sense of what I have that they don't, or what they know of that is better than what I have provided. I don't know how to describe it. It has to do with my sister parading her kids around waving flags and singing patriotic songs to the point that the gathering is awkward and out of balance. Or, putting her grand on display and never, ever stopping. Instead of a sense of welcome or happiness or gratitude or whatever it is that I think I am looking at when I see other families interact.</p><p></p><p>When I see D H family interact.</p><p></p><p>My FOO behaviors escalated with my sister's last marriage, and with </p><p>D H increasing financial success. Competition has been intense to outdo whatever it is we have. I think that is true. I know that sounds jerky. It seems to be true to me. Well, good. Better to be in my position than my sister's, re: FOO dysfunctional roles up for grabs. </p><p></p><p>If we were to research this question, we would probably find that these patterns are typical. If one cannot look down on the sibling, then one can hate them. If my role had not been pseudo-mom, I would probably have taken my sister's role and would roundly hate her. (Except that really, I absolutely do not believe that about myself. Not in a million years. I would not have allowed it; I would have worked at it and at myself until it was gone. Which is probably what I did do when I should have just hated all their guts too and gotten on with things.) I don't see us coming through this. In truth, I didn't create family dinners or etc for their sakes. We were doing whatever we were doing anyway, and they were simply welcome. It even makes sense to me that, hurt by the mother's continuing rejection, they would attend family functions I hosted (instead of the welcome they should have had at their real mother's home) already feeling so rejected that nothing good could have come of it even if my sister had told her obnoxious little girls to sit down for once.</p><p></p><p>(Added on reread: Vomit/retch/blow my nose at them.)</p><p></p><p>But she didn't.</p><p></p><p>She told them to keep going, and does the same with her grand.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I was thinking of your sister's behavior in the hospital when your mother was sick. That same overwhelming sense of "I am the important one, here." This is what we saw in my sister's behavior when my father was hospitalized.</p><p></p><p>Same patterns. </p><p></p><p>Most likely, I will never know the why of it. </p><p></p><p>But it is clear to me now that however the scenario was being played out, hatred ran through it and fueled it and made it an ugliness. I don't mean dislike, and I don't mean jealousy or anything remotely normal; I mean virulent, barely concealable hatred.</p><p></p><p>(And on reread: Oh, what.ever.)</p><p></p><p>Now that my sister is married, now that my father is gone, and now, when my sister has a beautiful home and can and does offer my mother something she wants (a winter home), hers (and my mother's) antipathy toward me ~ blatantly and vocally based on intense dislike and blame and disparagement of D H <em>to anyone who will listen </em>~ has grown into some burgeoning, ungainly thing with very little connection to anything real.</p><p></p><p>And isn't that something and how did that happen.</p><p></p><p>They seem like shriveled, blackened things to me, now. Maybe I just did not want to face how ugly all of it is. I still have a little denial going on, a little shame at naming them (and myself) this way.</p><p></p><p>But it is what it is; and it is better to know.</p><p></p><p>I should note for the record that D H threw a hissy the last time my mother stayed with us in the winter. He spent most of the time she was there sulking and surly and said she made him want to throw up.</p><p></p><p>So, once my mother was gone, I made D H leave.</p><p></p><p>He was gone two weeks.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>My sister's inexcusable behavior toward my daughter, her unbelievable behavior toward me; my mother and my sister united against the rest of the family <em>including the innocent grands, some newly born</em> ~ though this may have changed in the time I have been persona non grata; my sister and my mom, spiders at the center of the reality each reinforces, each spinning and spinning away for some win I don't understand. But the difference today is that I am no longer discounting that there is a win here somewhere for my FOO. Their behaviors are intentional, and their intentions are just as they seem. I am not so surprised about these true things, anymore. I am no longer conflicted about how things should be handled if they come here, or if they call.</p><p></p><p>I wish it had been different.</p><p></p><p>I can stop wondering why things keep going so wrong. Things were wrong from the beginning. That is what is wrong, now.</p><p></p><p>Snip.</p><p></p><p>(On reread: See how sad and well thought and reasoned I sound? That's all gone. Swear words, roared and profuse and brilliant blue.</p><p></p><p>I wave my panties at your auntie.</p><p></p><p>I blow my nose in your general direction.</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>From what I have been able to piece together through working here, my sister's antipathy toward the man who wanted/wants to marry my mother has to do with the the blighted attempts to heal we all seem to be trying for. I have described before my sister's elation at having my mother in her home. My sister is furious that a man, an outsider, could offer my mother an alternative. </p><p></p><p>I keep thinking here of my mother's comment that she enjoyed watching the jealousy between my sister and myself over our mother. It could be that the man now plays that role, keeping my mother and my sister united. </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I may have been jealous. I think jealous comes when we are judged against, found wanting and etc. So, if I were going to be jealous, now is when I would be jealous. Jealous is very much a part of what I feel but mostly it isn't. Jealous would be a bad thing to accuse myself of, so, assuming the worst to be true, I accuse myself. What I really feel is deep anger; resentment. I am hurt. I feel I have lost whatever chance there was, every memory of times when I pretended what I had was enough, even.</p><p></p><p>All gone.</p><p></p><p>I have an aunt, too ~ a sister of my mother's ~ whose daughter refuses to have anything to do with her.</p><p></p><p>Again Copa to your sister's behavior when your mother was so sick: My sister behaving as though my mother were not being well cared for when she was in this area in the summer, in her own home. She would sigh heavily and say things like "It isn't all about you, Cedar." And that my brother was useless where my mother was concerned (though he was mowing her lawn and remodeling her house), and that I needed to do more, be there more, be more respsonsive to my mother's loneliness and her needs.</p><p></p><p>At the time, it seemed to me that my sister was exaggerating her own importance in the same way she had done when my father was hospitalized. It had that same feel to it.</p><p></p><p>I did not change my behavior toward my mother based on my sister's recommendations ~ but it was an unusual enough way for her to behave that I still remember it. </p><p></p><p>And that is who she is now too, of course. It p*sses me off that I have so little individual importance even in my own abuse.</p><p></p><p>For Heaven's sake.</p><p></p><p>WTF</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>WE REALLY ARE DOING THIS, YOU TWO.</p><p></p><p>Thanks, guys.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 660290, member: 17461"] Ha! So, I wrote this reasoned response and etc. What it comes down to though is that I am so terminally p*issed off about all of it. For Heaven's sake/ WTF. I am not sure whether I am more upset over the things they've done and done and done, or at myself for putting up with it and making excuses for it and dancing all around any and all of it ever. It would have been a cleaner thing for me never to have seen them again once I could freaking walk. And Die Hard, like Bruce Willis. I must be feeling bad now out of habit; poor me with no family.[I] Who needs that kind of family?[/I] [I]Those little weasels are out to get me.[/I] Yay me for finally standing up for once when I cut the freaking ties that bind last year. Snip. My mother is a kind of a person who beats little kids. My sister is a kind of person who prays a ring of thorns around her own sister[I] and her children[/I] to "bring her to the Lord". What a frighteningly sick little turd. *** So, here is the response that got me to this place where I finally can see a little more clearly. Bunch of jerks. Ahem. roar *** Probably all those things, Copa. In answering your questions, I ran headlong into how intensely toxic interacting with my Family of Origin is. I mean, they are cute, and they do the craziest things ~ but there is always that sense of what I have that they don't, or what they know of that is better than what I have provided. I don't know how to describe it. It has to do with my sister parading her kids around waving flags and singing patriotic songs to the point that the gathering is awkward and out of balance. Or, putting her grand on display and never, ever stopping. Instead of a sense of welcome or happiness or gratitude or whatever it is that I think I am looking at when I see other families interact. When I see D H family interact. My FOO behaviors escalated with my sister's last marriage, and with D H increasing financial success. Competition has been intense to outdo whatever it is we have. I think that is true. I know that sounds jerky. It seems to be true to me. Well, good. Better to be in my position than my sister's, re: FOO dysfunctional roles up for grabs. If we were to research this question, we would probably find that these patterns are typical. If one cannot look down on the sibling, then one can hate them. If my role had not been pseudo-mom, I would probably have taken my sister's role and would roundly hate her. (Except that really, I absolutely do not believe that about myself. Not in a million years. I would not have allowed it; I would have worked at it and at myself until it was gone. Which is probably what I did do when I should have just hated all their guts too and gotten on with things.) I don't see us coming through this. In truth, I didn't create family dinners or etc for their sakes. We were doing whatever we were doing anyway, and they were simply welcome. It even makes sense to me that, hurt by the mother's continuing rejection, they would attend family functions I hosted (instead of the welcome they should have had at their real mother's home) already feeling so rejected that nothing good could have come of it even if my sister had told her obnoxious little girls to sit down for once. (Added on reread: Vomit/retch/blow my nose at them.) But she didn't. She told them to keep going, and does the same with her grand. Copa, I was thinking of your sister's behavior in the hospital when your mother was sick. That same overwhelming sense of "I am the important one, here." This is what we saw in my sister's behavior when my father was hospitalized. Same patterns. Most likely, I will never know the why of it. But it is clear to me now that however the scenario was being played out, hatred ran through it and fueled it and made it an ugliness. I don't mean dislike, and I don't mean jealousy or anything remotely normal; I mean virulent, barely concealable hatred. (And on reread: Oh, what.ever.) Now that my sister is married, now that my father is gone, and now, when my sister has a beautiful home and can and does offer my mother something she wants (a winter home), hers (and my mother's) antipathy toward me ~ blatantly and vocally based on intense dislike and blame and disparagement of D H [I]to anyone who will listen [/I]~ has grown into some burgeoning, ungainly thing with very little connection to anything real. And isn't that something and how did that happen. They seem like shriveled, blackened things to me, now. Maybe I just did not want to face how ugly all of it is. I still have a little denial going on, a little shame at naming them (and myself) this way. But it is what it is; and it is better to know. I should note for the record that D H threw a hissy the last time my mother stayed with us in the winter. He spent most of the time she was there sulking and surly and said she made him want to throw up. So, once my mother was gone, I made D H leave. He was gone two weeks. *** My sister's inexcusable behavior toward my daughter, her unbelievable behavior toward me; my mother and my sister united against the rest of the family [I]including the innocent grands, some newly born[/I] ~ though this may have changed in the time I have been persona non grata; my sister and my mom, spiders at the center of the reality each reinforces, each spinning and spinning away for some win I don't understand. But the difference today is that I am no longer discounting that there is a win here somewhere for my FOO. Their behaviors are intentional, and their intentions are just as they seem. I am not so surprised about these true things, anymore. I am no longer conflicted about how things should be handled if they come here, or if they call. I wish it had been different. I can stop wondering why things keep going so wrong. Things were wrong from the beginning. That is what is wrong, now. Snip. (On reread: See how sad and well thought and reasoned I sound? That's all gone. Swear words, roared and profuse and brilliant blue. I wave my panties at your auntie. I blow my nose in your general direction. roar :O) *** From what I have been able to piece together through working here, my sister's antipathy toward the man who wanted/wants to marry my mother has to do with the the blighted attempts to heal we all seem to be trying for. I have described before my sister's elation at having my mother in her home. My sister is furious that a man, an outsider, could offer my mother an alternative. I keep thinking here of my mother's comment that she enjoyed watching the jealousy between my sister and myself over our mother. It could be that the man now plays that role, keeping my mother and my sister united. *** I may have been jealous. I think jealous comes when we are judged against, found wanting and etc. So, if I were going to be jealous, now is when I would be jealous. Jealous is very much a part of what I feel but mostly it isn't. Jealous would be a bad thing to accuse myself of, so, assuming the worst to be true, I accuse myself. What I really feel is deep anger; resentment. I am hurt. I feel I have lost whatever chance there was, every memory of times when I pretended what I had was enough, even. All gone. I have an aunt, too ~ a sister of my mother's ~ whose daughter refuses to have anything to do with her. Again Copa to your sister's behavior when your mother was so sick: My sister behaving as though my mother were not being well cared for when she was in this area in the summer, in her own home. She would sigh heavily and say things like "It isn't all about you, Cedar." And that my brother was useless where my mother was concerned (though he was mowing her lawn and remodeling her house), and that I needed to do more, be there more, be more respsonsive to my mother's loneliness and her needs. At the time, it seemed to me that my sister was exaggerating her own importance in the same way she had done when my father was hospitalized. It had that same feel to it. I did not change my behavior toward my mother based on my sister's recommendations ~ but it was an unusual enough way for her to behave that I still remember it. And that is who she is now too, of course. It p*sses me off that I have so little individual importance even in my own abuse. For Heaven's sake. WTF roar Cedar WE REALLY ARE DOING THIS, YOU TWO. Thanks, guys. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
Top