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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 660397" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Copa, kids leave and move to other states. In that way, you son is not unique. I know lots of people whose kids don't live nearby. Yes, your son may be going for a reason you find silly, but is it really any different that the pain any mother feels when a child moves far away? I'm not sure. This is kind of why I made sure I had a lot going on in my own life...so that my happiness would not depend upon constant contact with my adult children and grands. My two grands are pretty far away. </p><p></p><p>You are not your son. He can't ruin you and he can't save you by living the life you want him to live. It's more complicated than that. Kids move, get married sometimes to people we don't like who don't like us and there can be estrangement due to that too, grandkids may not see us as much as we like, everything isn't rosy just because an adult child has a house, a job and a car. There are still challenges and our grown kids, if healthy, do grow away from us, still loving us, but having their own life.</p><p></p><p>My youngest is already talking about where she may want to get criminal justice work. It used to be right around here. Now she isn't sure...maybe a big city. I have to live with her career choice and it's danger. She is not afraid, but excited and sure she can handle it. She works at a nursing home on her summer break and told me, "No real difference between a dementia patient smearing poop on you and an inmate doing it." Naive maybe, but she can do it. I know she can do it, if she decides to work in corrections. </p><p></p><p>I want to keep my baby right by my side forever, but I would never tell her that. She has to go where her heart leads her. </p><p></p><p>She is talking too about coming home every weekend to work so she can visit Europe (she has friends to stay with) and maybe seeing if she can do any of her college work abroad. She is very good friends with a few exchange students who came to her school and they are visiting now so this is on her mind. I think it's great!!! My daughter Princess got to go to Austria through school. But that was LEAVING. They always leave, Copa. We give them "roots to grow and wings to fly." </p><p></p><p>Your son may or may not go to Montana for a long time and he may hate it and come back right away. You can't tell the future. Either way, he is not the key to your life. The key to your life is with you. You make your life any way you want it to be. Anywhere you want it to be. With whomever you want it to be with (peer-wise). </p><p></p><p>I don't know how much you can control your life and put it in your own hands. You didn't nothing bad to deserve anything. Most people suffer somewhat. It socks to have a crummy FOO, but it's over now and we do have to move past it and think about who WE are and what WE need. </p><p></p><p>I don't want you to share anything you feel uncomfortable doing, but I doubt if what you think was so horrid that you did to your mother (who was, for the most part, horrid to you all your life) is as bad as you think it is. People are human. We react. We make mistakes. We are ashamed of our mistakes. I wonder if your mother was ever ashamed of how she disregarded you.</p><p></p><p>We have to see them straight.</p><p></p><p>We can't cheat.</p><p></p><p>We can't make them "more than they were just because they are gone. That often happens. Suddenly we idolize the bad guy. I'm glad you got to love her in the end, but she didn't allow it until she had no real choice.</p><p></p><p>Your son was born with challenges that you did not want to see (nor did I want to see this in my older adoptee) and he is paying the price for his birthmother's choices. You ddin't do anything to him. SHE did. That "she" that you never knew, but whom disregarded him by drinking and doing drugs while she had a developing baby in her body. SHE DID IT, not you. This DOES affect how adults can make choices, but you can't change his brain wiring. HE has to want to change it. </p><p></p><p>You are a good person. I wish you valued yourself as much as I do and Cedar does. You are deserving a great rest-of-your-life. Pretend "This Is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life." In fact, it is and I love that saying. Make every day a good day. Don't look past or to the future or at your son to fulfill you. What can YOU do to make YOUR day happy? What makes you halppy? If nothing does, consider getting help...that is true clinical depression and it doesn't just go away. You don't need to go to therapy if you don't want to, although I do think a counselor would help, but that is your life, up to you. Do see your GP at least and let him know that you are sad and can not function.</p><p></p><p>You are enough. You are BETTER than enough. You are kind and caring and a very good person. Not much trumps that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 660397, member: 1550"] Copa, kids leave and move to other states. In that way, you son is not unique. I know lots of people whose kids don't live nearby. Yes, your son may be going for a reason you find silly, but is it really any different that the pain any mother feels when a child moves far away? I'm not sure. This is kind of why I made sure I had a lot going on in my own life...so that my happiness would not depend upon constant contact with my adult children and grands. My two grands are pretty far away. You are not your son. He can't ruin you and he can't save you by living the life you want him to live. It's more complicated than that. Kids move, get married sometimes to people we don't like who don't like us and there can be estrangement due to that too, grandkids may not see us as much as we like, everything isn't rosy just because an adult child has a house, a job and a car. There are still challenges and our grown kids, if healthy, do grow away from us, still loving us, but having their own life. My youngest is already talking about where she may want to get criminal justice work. It used to be right around here. Now she isn't sure...maybe a big city. I have to live with her career choice and it's danger. She is not afraid, but excited and sure she can handle it. She works at a nursing home on her summer break and told me, "No real difference between a dementia patient smearing poop on you and an inmate doing it." Naive maybe, but she can do it. I know she can do it, if she decides to work in corrections. I want to keep my baby right by my side forever, but I would never tell her that. She has to go where her heart leads her. She is talking too about coming home every weekend to work so she can visit Europe (she has friends to stay with) and maybe seeing if she can do any of her college work abroad. She is very good friends with a few exchange students who came to her school and they are visiting now so this is on her mind. I think it's great!!! My daughter Princess got to go to Austria through school. But that was LEAVING. They always leave, Copa. We give them "roots to grow and wings to fly." Your son may or may not go to Montana for a long time and he may hate it and come back right away. You can't tell the future. Either way, he is not the key to your life. The key to your life is with you. You make your life any way you want it to be. Anywhere you want it to be. With whomever you want it to be with (peer-wise). I don't know how much you can control your life and put it in your own hands. You didn't nothing bad to deserve anything. Most people suffer somewhat. It socks to have a crummy FOO, but it's over now and we do have to move past it and think about who WE are and what WE need. I don't want you to share anything you feel uncomfortable doing, but I doubt if what you think was so horrid that you did to your mother (who was, for the most part, horrid to you all your life) is as bad as you think it is. People are human. We react. We make mistakes. We are ashamed of our mistakes. I wonder if your mother was ever ashamed of how she disregarded you. We have to see them straight. We can't cheat. We can't make them "more than they were just because they are gone. That often happens. Suddenly we idolize the bad guy. I'm glad you got to love her in the end, but she didn't allow it until she had no real choice. Your son was born with challenges that you did not want to see (nor did I want to see this in my older adoptee) and he is paying the price for his birthmother's choices. You ddin't do anything to him. SHE did. That "she" that you never knew, but whom disregarded him by drinking and doing drugs while she had a developing baby in her body. SHE DID IT, not you. This DOES affect how adults can make choices, but you can't change his brain wiring. HE has to want to change it. You are a good person. I wish you valued yourself as much as I do and Cedar does. You are deserving a great rest-of-your-life. Pretend "This Is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life." In fact, it is and I love that saying. Make every day a good day. Don't look past or to the future or at your son to fulfill you. What can YOU do to make YOUR day happy? What makes you halppy? If nothing does, consider getting help...that is true clinical depression and it doesn't just go away. You don't need to go to therapy if you don't want to, although I do think a counselor would help, but that is your life, up to you. Do see your GP at least and let him know that you are sad and can not function. You are enough. You are BETTER than enough. You are kind and caring and a very good person. Not much trumps that. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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