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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660483" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>With my therapist, I was furious. Furious. And before that I had an image of myself as a person without an angry bone. I did everything I had to do to never ever get angry. Mainly except for work and friends from work, I isolated myself from any significant relationship in order to maintain my sense of myself as not angry.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, think of it this way. The anger is towards are families. But it would never have been tolerated. Completely unacceptable. These men, your therapist, or mine, were stand ins, don't you think, transitional figures, with whom to feel anger....and later to direct it towards the real targets. I am not saying that these men did not merit our anger, just that in themselves they were stand ins.</p><p>Me too. For example, I bought a house in February that is zoned to use as a professional office, with the idea of starting a practice. It is leased out for 2 more years. My realtor recommended a property inspector. Fine. M went up in the attic a few weeks after the property closed and found that two roof beams were sagging. So overwhelmed and barely functioning, I mentioned this to the realtor but did nothing more. Last night I asked M what the implications were of this defect. Minimum 10k of repairs.</p><p></p><p>My Mother, the second she heard, would have called and aggressively hounded the realtor and property inspector. Polite. Controlled. Not rude. But aggressive. Unrelenting. And she would stop at nothing. She loved lawsuits</p><p></p><p>I can confront people but avoid it like the plague. But this is only after I am extremely backed into a corner. I get slightly hysterically aggressive. More like rabid. And it is nowhere near as effective as my mother's buzz saw relentless pursuit. Which I avoid like the plague.</p><p>How boring it would be to think you know it all. Most of the fun of life comes from not knowing, and being curious, I think.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I am sorry but your mother sounds a bit of a bully.</p><p>Gosh, I don't know.</p><p></p><p>I wanted somebody to be proud of me. Most of all that. I craved protection. But more than that I think I wanted to be heard and seen for who I am. Of my family, only my mother, at the end of my life had an idea of who I became. But never as a child. I cannot even imagine having a protective male figure in my life as a child. My grandfather was a benign and loving man, there but without authority or presence.</p><p>She took advantage of that lady Cedar. And she did not care how the lady felt or how anybody felt. She caught somebody in her web and she sought to do with them what she would and could. Until she was done with them. When <em>she</em> was done. M's sister Is like this, the evil one. At the start of our relationship she would try to get me alone, and plant seeds of doubt or try to get me to tell her about the relationship.</p><p></p><p>First she said, How can you stand him? I answered, what do you mean? To me he is a good and kind man. Do you not find him such?</p><p></p><p>M is known in his family as being direct and blunt. He can also be aggressive and defensive verbally if he needs to.</p><p></p><p>The positive side of this is you pretty much know where you stand with him, because everything is on the table. This gives me a sense of security. I do not fear him. In the main he is very, sweet, tender, loving, and protective. But domineering, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>The one time I was surprised by him was after my Mother died. He had been so constant with his care of her, so constant at my side. And then he announced he was going to go to return to Mexico.</p><p></p><p>And to this day I do not know why. I just asked him. He says our situation was so difficult, so complicated. When could he leave? Not while I was in the thick of it, he said. I still do not understand. Only that I was so sad, who would really want to stay with somebody like that? But he never left.</p><p></p><p>So back to the sister. After she did that a few times, I refused to ever go back to her house. But I made a big mistake, and I trusted her daughter.</p><p></p><p>Around the time my mother died I confided in her daughter, told her a secret.</p><p></p><p>The daughter then said, You know why M is with you, don't you? The only reason he is with you?</p><p></p><p>Why is he with me?</p><p></p><p>What do you think? Why would he be with you?</p><p></p><p>Because he feels comfortable and secure with me? *I knew where she was going at this point.</p><p></p><p>Yeah. Because of what he can get from you. Because he lives well. Because you let him do whatever he wants. Because you do everything for him. You give him everything. *Not true.</p><p></p><p>And where did a 22 year old come up with all of that? From her mother.</p><p></p><p>Within that little speech is something very destructive to M. The desire to take away what little security, safety, comfort, protection, and hope he had. So that he would be the sister's alone. To exploit him. To have his undivided attention and support. She wanted all of him and she was willing to destroy him to get it.</p><p></p><p>That sister said stuff directly to me, along the same line. And I stopped it. Everything she ever said I repeated to M. And I told her I would.</p><p></p><p>And if I was hurt was neither here nor there. Road kill, kind of. A means to an end.</p><p></p><p>It smarted that anybody would think that about me, that I could not attract the attention of a man in other than for ulterior means. But it was so silly. And my pride in myself in that way so solid, that part did not wound me that much. I saw it more as defining them and how they defined themselves.</p><p></p><p>The object was to destroy M to possess him and to destroy my confidence in him and the relationship, towards the same end. So that he would have nothing, relative to her, and by having less than her, in her mind be under her control, beholden to her. In her own mind.</p><p></p><p>As long as we were together she could not have the illusion of his relative inferiority to her in power and means. So she had to destroy the idea or fact that he could be secure with me and better off.</p><p></p><p>So I understand malicious intent to destroy and plant doubt.</p><p></p><p>M understands with his sister that he can never be around her. He loves her but knows that she Is dangerous and he cannot risk being near her. Ever.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, you are clear what your mother and sister are. I believe you have always known, and that is where the anger comes from.</p><p></p><p>Because there is a part of us that feels stuck. Still.</p><p></p><p>I can see this sister clearly and feel hate. I can see my sister clearly and feel impotent anger.</p><p></p><p>So I think it is an issue of power, not just meanness and victimization. Your mother and then your sister invalidated, used you, and victimized you. Then they tried to take away your voice to protect yourself, to define what you wanted in this life, and to go there.</p><p></p><p>But you would not allow this. You would not allow them to take away your power to define who you are.</p><p></p><p>Your mother tried, with you.</p><p></p><p>Just as surely as your mother absconded with the African lady, caught her in her web, and did not care who she hurt or how much. She had tried with you.</p><p></p><p>Did she care one bit?</p><p>That's power.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660483, member: 18958"] With my therapist, I was furious. Furious. And before that I had an image of myself as a person without an angry bone. I did everything I had to do to never ever get angry. Mainly except for work and friends from work, I isolated myself from any significant relationship in order to maintain my sense of myself as not angry. Cedar, think of it this way. The anger is towards are families. But it would never have been tolerated. Completely unacceptable. These men, your therapist, or mine, were stand ins, don't you think, transitional figures, with whom to feel anger....and later to direct it towards the real targets. I am not saying that these men did not merit our anger, just that in themselves they were stand ins. Me too. For example, I bought a house in February that is zoned to use as a professional office, with the idea of starting a practice. It is leased out for 2 more years. My realtor recommended a property inspector. Fine. M went up in the attic a few weeks after the property closed and found that two roof beams were sagging. So overwhelmed and barely functioning, I mentioned this to the realtor but did nothing more. Last night I asked M what the implications were of this defect. Minimum 10k of repairs. My Mother, the second she heard, would have called and aggressively hounded the realtor and property inspector. Polite. Controlled. Not rude. But aggressive. Unrelenting. And she would stop at nothing. She loved lawsuits I can confront people but avoid it like the plague. But this is only after I am extremely backed into a corner. I get slightly hysterically aggressive. More like rabid. And it is nowhere near as effective as my mother's buzz saw relentless pursuit. Which I avoid like the plague. How boring it would be to think you know it all. Most of the fun of life comes from not knowing, and being curious, I think. Cedar, I am sorry but your mother sounds a bit of a bully. Gosh, I don't know. I wanted somebody to be proud of me. Most of all that. I craved protection. But more than that I think I wanted to be heard and seen for who I am. Of my family, only my mother, at the end of my life had an idea of who I became. But never as a child. I cannot even imagine having a protective male figure in my life as a child. My grandfather was a benign and loving man, there but without authority or presence. She took advantage of that lady Cedar. And she did not care how the lady felt or how anybody felt. She caught somebody in her web and she sought to do with them what she would and could. Until she was done with them. When [I]she[/I] was done. M's sister Is like this, the evil one. At the start of our relationship she would try to get me alone, and plant seeds of doubt or try to get me to tell her about the relationship. First she said, How can you stand him? I answered, what do you mean? To me he is a good and kind man. Do you not find him such? M is known in his family as being direct and blunt. He can also be aggressive and defensive verbally if he needs to. The positive side of this is you pretty much know where you stand with him, because everything is on the table. This gives me a sense of security. I do not fear him. In the main he is very, sweet, tender, loving, and protective. But domineering, sometimes. The one time I was surprised by him was after my Mother died. He had been so constant with his care of her, so constant at my side. And then he announced he was going to go to return to Mexico. And to this day I do not know why. I just asked him. He says our situation was so difficult, so complicated. When could he leave? Not while I was in the thick of it, he said. I still do not understand. Only that I was so sad, who would really want to stay with somebody like that? But he never left. So back to the sister. After she did that a few times, I refused to ever go back to her house. But I made a big mistake, and I trusted her daughter. Around the time my mother died I confided in her daughter, told her a secret. The daughter then said, You know why M is with you, don't you? The only reason he is with you? Why is he with me? What do you think? Why would he be with you? Because he feels comfortable and secure with me? *I knew where she was going at this point. Yeah. Because of what he can get from you. Because he lives well. Because you let him do whatever he wants. Because you do everything for him. You give him everything. *Not true. And where did a 22 year old come up with all of that? From her mother. Within that little speech is something very destructive to M. The desire to take away what little security, safety, comfort, protection, and hope he had. So that he would be the sister's alone. To exploit him. To have his undivided attention and support. She wanted all of him and she was willing to destroy him to get it. That sister said stuff directly to me, along the same line. And I stopped it. Everything she ever said I repeated to M. And I told her I would. And if I was hurt was neither here nor there. Road kill, kind of. A means to an end. It smarted that anybody would think that about me, that I could not attract the attention of a man in other than for ulterior means. But it was so silly. And my pride in myself in that way so solid, that part did not wound me that much. I saw it more as defining them and how they defined themselves. The object was to destroy M to possess him and to destroy my confidence in him and the relationship, towards the same end. So that he would have nothing, relative to her, and by having less than her, in her mind be under her control, beholden to her. In her own mind. As long as we were together she could not have the illusion of his relative inferiority to her in power and means. So she had to destroy the idea or fact that he could be secure with me and better off. So I understand malicious intent to destroy and plant doubt. M understands with his sister that he can never be around her. He loves her but knows that she Is dangerous and he cannot risk being near her. Ever. Cedar, you are clear what your mother and sister are. I believe you have always known, and that is where the anger comes from. Because there is a part of us that feels stuck. Still. I can see this sister clearly and feel hate. I can see my sister clearly and feel impotent anger. So I think it is an issue of power, not just meanness and victimization. Your mother and then your sister invalidated, used you, and victimized you. Then they tried to take away your voice to protect yourself, to define what you wanted in this life, and to go there. But you would not allow this. You would not allow them to take away your power to define who you are. Your mother tried, with you. Just as surely as your mother absconded with the African lady, caught her in her web, and did not care who she hurt or how much. She had tried with you. Did she care one bit? That's power. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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