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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660499" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So, this is how it is.</p><p></p><p>M came home last night after a 14 hour work day. After another long day yesterday. And the day before that. A bit fearfully my son spoke with him and explained his situation. I left the room. The upshot was M wants to let my son live here with the understanding that my son be productive.</p><p></p><p>They worked it out that my son would go to work with M today. M is putting floor tile down in a house. Also, my son would continue to pursue the plan about getting in the shelter, and continue to pursue the plan about the Jewish Treatment Place, and then make a choice about which option he wants to follow.</p><p></p><p>I was pessimistic but agreed, as long as there was an understanding that any point my son became difficult or did not follow through with working, he would leave.</p><p></p><p>Even leery, I could not believe <em>my</em> sense of peace and confidence that my son was here with me.</p><p></p><p>You know the kind of houseplant with tender stems and leaves that droops first, for lack of water. And then you water it and all of a sudden it just perks up, just like before. Almost instantly.</p><p></p><p>Within an hour after being here, my son was his confident, demanding self. The craziness had almost vanished. He looked healthy and vigorous. Just lazy, and not wanting to do one thing to go out of his way.</p><p></p><p>The kookiest exchange between us went as follows:</p><p></p><p>Me: Maybe if you go to the Jewish Recovery Place you'll decide to be a Rabbi.</p><p></p><p>Son: Mom, I can't be a Rabbi, I don't believe in G-d. I am an Atheist. (Smiling.)</p><p></p><p>Me: That doesn't matter. Half of all Rabbis are atheists.</p><p></p><p>Son: Mom. I can't deceive them, pretending something I am not.</p><p></p><p>Me: Don't worry. Nobody knows what they can be. What they will be. Now. People change. They become who they need to be. You don't know what you will be. Nobody does.</p><p></p><p>I tried this morning to remember what this reminded me. And I remembered one of my favorite movies of all time. Some Like it Hot. Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis.</p><p></p><p>The scene where Jack Lemmon, who through most of the movie has been in drag, while fleeing from the Mafia, fearfully confesses to his rich suitor that he is male.</p><p></p><p>That's OK, the rich suitor, persists. With a smile. Jack Lemmon, still convinced of the unsuitability, the insanity of a match between two males tries to talk sense. After all, both are straight males.</p><p></p><p>And it does not matter one bit to the rich suitor, whose name I do not remember, whether he is male or female. Or what he is. He loves him. And that is the only important thing. The particulars don't matter one bit.</p><p></p><p>The learning for me is not just that he is OK. Lucid. Competent. Together. To a point. After he is watered.</p><p></p><p>The learning for me is that I am better, when he is better. That the horrible aching in my heart goes away when I see he is okay.</p><p></p><p>That I always accepted him and his limitations. And will always.</p><p></p><p>What I have been unable to bear is the process of him going down the tubes. That he is falling and falling and there is not one thing that I can do. And this must have something to do with what happened to my father.</p><p></p><p>This morning M came back to the bedroom to kiss me goodbye before leaving. Is son going with you?</p><p></p><p>He answered, I can't solve everything. He looked stern.</p><p></p><p>I got up. My son was still in bed.</p><p></p><p>This is what is not going to happen, I said. Here is the computer. Buy your ticket.</p><p></p><p>M said that I should get my Chest XRAY taken care of today and not worry about working, foisting all responsibility off on anybody but himself.</p><p></p><p>He is leaving today and going back to his original plan, to leave our town.</p><p></p><p>It was just too much to go to work one day with a 60 year old man who has been working a series of 14 hour days stooped over cutting and laying floor tile. Just too hard and too much to do. To work.</p><p></p><p>We have gained though. Except for stupidity and laziness and his general personality which I have always known...he is still himself. I see this. He is still OK.</p><p></p><p>I <em>am</em> freaked out by the fact that he has not been on his antiviral medicine and the dangers presented by this that scare me so badly I cannot even write them down.</p><p></p><p>But I know that I am not the only mother here who has to live with this dread. How many mothers here have sons and daughters that drink and drug and are destroying their livers? And those mothers too, have no power to stop them. And those mothers live.</p><p></p><p>And I will find a way to live, too.</p><p></p><p>My son is stupid. And lazy and arrogant. But he is still alive. I did not turn my back on him. We did not. We gave him a chance. It lasted less than a day.</p><p></p><p>We have conditions. We are not a flop house.</p><p></p><p>So there we are.</p><p></p><p>He has left. And he did not say goodbye.</p><p></p><p>He had come to my room before leaving and said the following: "Will you just make sure to give the dogs water in their bowl outside every day?"</p><p></p><p>"I fill their water bowl throughout the day. And they come inside to their room when they need to or when they ask."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660499, member: 18958"] So, this is how it is. M came home last night after a 14 hour work day. After another long day yesterday. And the day before that. A bit fearfully my son spoke with him and explained his situation. I left the room. The upshot was M wants to let my son live here with the understanding that my son be productive. They worked it out that my son would go to work with M today. M is putting floor tile down in a house. Also, my son would continue to pursue the plan about getting in the shelter, and continue to pursue the plan about the Jewish Treatment Place, and then make a choice about which option he wants to follow. I was pessimistic but agreed, as long as there was an understanding that any point my son became difficult or did not follow through with working, he would leave. Even leery, I could not believe [I]my[/I] sense of peace and confidence that my son was here with me. You know the kind of houseplant with tender stems and leaves that droops first, for lack of water. And then you water it and all of a sudden it just perks up, just like before. Almost instantly. Within an hour after being here, my son was his confident, demanding self. The craziness had almost vanished. He looked healthy and vigorous. Just lazy, and not wanting to do one thing to go out of his way. The kookiest exchange between us went as follows: Me: Maybe if you go to the Jewish Recovery Place you'll decide to be a Rabbi. Son: Mom, I can't be a Rabbi, I don't believe in G-d. I am an Atheist. (Smiling.) Me: That doesn't matter. Half of all Rabbis are atheists. Son: Mom. I can't deceive them, pretending something I am not. Me: Don't worry. Nobody knows what they can be. What they will be. Now. People change. They become who they need to be. You don't know what you will be. Nobody does. I tried this morning to remember what this reminded me. And I remembered one of my favorite movies of all time. Some Like it Hot. Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis. The scene where Jack Lemmon, who through most of the movie has been in drag, while fleeing from the Mafia, fearfully confesses to his rich suitor that he is male. That's OK, the rich suitor, persists. With a smile. Jack Lemmon, still convinced of the unsuitability, the insanity of a match between two males tries to talk sense. After all, both are straight males. And it does not matter one bit to the rich suitor, whose name I do not remember, whether he is male or female. Or what he is. He loves him. And that is the only important thing. The particulars don't matter one bit. The learning for me is not just that he is OK. Lucid. Competent. Together. To a point. After he is watered. The learning for me is that I am better, when he is better. That the horrible aching in my heart goes away when I see he is okay. That I always accepted him and his limitations. And will always. What I have been unable to bear is the process of him going down the tubes. That he is falling and falling and there is not one thing that I can do. And this must have something to do with what happened to my father. This morning M came back to the bedroom to kiss me goodbye before leaving. Is son going with you? He answered, I can't solve everything. He looked stern. I got up. My son was still in bed. This is what is not going to happen, I said. Here is the computer. Buy your ticket. M said that I should get my Chest XRAY taken care of today and not worry about working, foisting all responsibility off on anybody but himself. He is leaving today and going back to his original plan, to leave our town. It was just too much to go to work one day with a 60 year old man who has been working a series of 14 hour days stooped over cutting and laying floor tile. Just too hard and too much to do. To work. We have gained though. Except for stupidity and laziness and his general personality which I have always known...he is still himself. I see this. He is still OK. I [I]am[/I] freaked out by the fact that he has not been on his antiviral medicine and the dangers presented by this that scare me so badly I cannot even write them down. But I know that I am not the only mother here who has to live with this dread. How many mothers here have sons and daughters that drink and drug and are destroying their livers? And those mothers too, have no power to stop them. And those mothers live. And I will find a way to live, too. My son is stupid. And lazy and arrogant. But he is still alive. I did not turn my back on him. We did not. We gave him a chance. It lasted less than a day. We have conditions. We are not a flop house. So there we are. He has left. And he did not say goodbye. He had come to my room before leaving and said the following: "Will you just make sure to give the dogs water in their bowl outside every day?" "I fill their water bowl throughout the day. And they come inside to their room when they need to or when they ask." [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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