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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 660510" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That is what my D H says. He also says I let my sister walk all over him (and myself, of course). But here is the thing: They say that if a criminal were to come knocking on our doors, good manners would decree that we override our suspicions and open the door.</p><p></p><p>It is the same, it seems to me, with the members of our dysfunctional or abusive families of origin.</p><p></p><p>They do the strangest things that we cannot see coming. Or even, understand what that was we just saw happen. We find ourselves going along with whatever it is because we just can't believe what is really true until it becomes too blatant to ignore.</p><p></p><p>That would be a good descriptor for what has happened in my FOO. Through all these years when the underlying feelings were hatred and when the underlying theme was betrayal, the family continued to think we were normal. (Okay. On a wide continuum of normal. :O)</p><p></p><p>With my father's death and my sister's...healing, maybe? It seems that she does feel better about who she is, now that she has a house and my mother and etc. However all that works. It is hard to see it. Once we do see it, it is hard to believe we could possibly have seen what we are pretty sure we saw. I think it is a continuum of the example I gave about my sister's behavior after my father's surgery. Everything happening now has that same feel to it; someone so finally, gloriously right and valuable and somehow in a position of claimed authority that they are doing everything exactly wrong and that doesn't matter because the only thing that matters is that the person in question is flying very wonderfully high and wishes nothing to disturb that.</p><p></p><p>As though my role and value were to witness her ascendance? </p><p></p><p>All interactions with my sister have that distinct feeling. </p><p></p><p>That would explain the picture in the bathroom, the postings about sisters being easy to come by. I haven't posted about that, yet. There was a time my sister created a site where each of the women invited to join would be "sisters". They would be loyal to one another and support one another personally and in their business ventures. (There seems always to be a money angle, with my sister.) Unless I am mistaken, I was made an honorary member. You two will not believe this, but I am not engaged online to any degree in the way I am engaged here, on this gift of a site that has made all the difference for me, and for my family. And the feeling that I got, when she began it and when I did not participate as she wished, was that the real purpose was to tell me blood sisters meant nothing, and that sisters could be had anywhere.</p><p></p><p>And I pooh poohed it then and wondered what in the world was the matter with me for thinking that way...but it really did feel like my sister wanted me to know that sisters are a dime a dozen. That we are easily replaceable things. </p><p></p><p>I don't believe this could ever be true.</p><p></p><p>We love our friends, this is true; but our sisters...whoa.</p><p></p><p>If my sister were not my blood, I would never in a million years have had anything to do with her at all. We are not so simpatico as people. But she <em>is</em> my sister.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, that she feels hatred for me (not that big a deal to me ~ we did grow up so twisted) but for my children and grands, is a deal breaker.</p><p></p><p>Altogether. I don't feel badly about any of what I am doing when I remember what my sister did to my daughter when she was so broken.</p><p></p><p>But hatred for me would explain so many things my sister does, and has always done. Just like it happens each time we recognize an abuser in our lives, all the pieces just keep falling seamlessly into place.</p><p></p><p>I wish it were different for us ~ for me. It could be that my sister is happy with the way things are. It seems that she is. It seems to me that she needs to flaunt that to me ~ that she needs to be sure that I know she has won something I did not know we were playing against one another for.</p><p></p><p>Like always, I am saying a version of: I don't get the win. And I don't. </p><p></p><p>But I do understand: "Why" doesn't matter. And I don't get to cheat. That is a priceless concept for me, SWOT. Thank you so much for that. I would be cheating in my thoughts and in my heart right now without those words you gave us.</p><p></p><p>It would explain the sending of the Oz plaque. It would explain the sense I had of being stalked. It would explain my sister's intense need to tell me she "knew" what had happened to my daughter when she was beat. I had not been keeping it secret. (Like that could happen with the way daughter was posting on FB!)</p><p></p><p>It's just that neither my own mother nor my sister ever once saw fit to call me, never even posted in support of either daughter or myself while we were living through those terrible, terrible times.</p><p></p><p>I still feel badly for all of us when I think back to those times.</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p></p><p>So, I am not sure how I came onto this track, but my sister is a villain figure in my life. It sounds terrible to say so, I get that. But I have been thinking, just finding little imagery popping up of things my sister has done. She invariably says the right things; but what she does tells a very different story than what she says.</p><p></p><p>I think this stuff is all true. I think I have not wanted to believe it because I was so committed to creating that Disney imagery of family as that strong, centered core we all could take strength from and find peace in.</p><p></p><p>Boy, was I wrong.</p><p></p><p>It would explain so many things; things that have happened all of our lives. </p><p></p><p>Does it explain wanting the four generation pictures taken here <em>when my mother lives with my sister during the winter months and has her own lake home twenty minutes away and those pics could have been taken any time?</em></p><p></p><p>Or am I imagining things. </p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Snip.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>My sister may have a diagnosis of some kind, Cedar says, implying very bad things about her own sister without saying a word.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me too, Copa. How sad for us that this was so. But you created success in your professional life; I found or was found by, D H.</p><p></p><p>If I had not found (or been found by) D H, I am very sure that the longer I was away from my FOO the healthier I would have become. I would have made the same choice of school and career that I eventually did make.</p><p></p><p>I had always felt some special something for that school. I feel very blessed to have graduated there.</p><p></p><p>D H did that for me, too.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>In any event Copa and SWOT, we really were savagely abused when we were little girls. It isn't necessary to prove it. We bear the scars. We like to pretend we are strong and whole ~ and we are ~ but we are easy marks for predators, even today.</p><p></p><p>And it looks to me like my sister may be a predator.</p><p></p><p>Time to make breakfast. We have all these children here, now. Cocoa, eggs bacon sausage pancakes waffles. They are very hungry all the time until you feed them. Then, they become full so quickly until the dishes are done. Grandmas try to post. Children must eat.</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Ha! So, I left so quickly I did not post this. We have (not) eaten our breakfast grandma made us. We are doing potato salad and blueberry and lemon meringue pie for tomorrow. Lots of family, tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>Our visit / reunification is going so well, Copa and SWOT. We are recognizing complex post traumatic stress in so many conversations with our daughter, and are coming through so well.</p><p></p><p>THAT MAN WHO BEAT OUR DAUGHTER SENT HER A LETTER HER THROUGH HIS MOTHER. </p><p></p><p>Have a great holiday, you two especially and IC, and everyone reading along with us.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 660510, member: 17461"] That is what my D H says. He also says I let my sister walk all over him (and myself, of course). But here is the thing: They say that if a criminal were to come knocking on our doors, good manners would decree that we override our suspicions and open the door. It is the same, it seems to me, with the members of our dysfunctional or abusive families of origin. They do the strangest things that we cannot see coming. Or even, understand what that was we just saw happen. We find ourselves going along with whatever it is because we just can't believe what is really true until it becomes too blatant to ignore. That would be a good descriptor for what has happened in my FOO. Through all these years when the underlying feelings were hatred and when the underlying theme was betrayal, the family continued to think we were normal. (Okay. On a wide continuum of normal. :O) With my father's death and my sister's...healing, maybe? It seems that she does feel better about who she is, now that she has a house and my mother and etc. However all that works. It is hard to see it. Once we do see it, it is hard to believe we could possibly have seen what we are pretty sure we saw. I think it is a continuum of the example I gave about my sister's behavior after my father's surgery. Everything happening now has that same feel to it; someone so finally, gloriously right and valuable and somehow in a position of claimed authority that they are doing everything exactly wrong and that doesn't matter because the only thing that matters is that the person in question is flying very wonderfully high and wishes nothing to disturb that. As though my role and value were to witness her ascendance? All interactions with my sister have that distinct feeling. That would explain the picture in the bathroom, the postings about sisters being easy to come by. I haven't posted about that, yet. There was a time my sister created a site where each of the women invited to join would be "sisters". They would be loyal to one another and support one another personally and in their business ventures. (There seems always to be a money angle, with my sister.) Unless I am mistaken, I was made an honorary member. You two will not believe this, but I am not engaged online to any degree in the way I am engaged here, on this gift of a site that has made all the difference for me, and for my family. And the feeling that I got, when she began it and when I did not participate as she wished, was that the real purpose was to tell me blood sisters meant nothing, and that sisters could be had anywhere. And I pooh poohed it then and wondered what in the world was the matter with me for thinking that way...but it really did feel like my sister wanted me to know that sisters are a dime a dozen. That we are easily replaceable things. I don't believe this could ever be true. We love our friends, this is true; but our sisters...whoa. If my sister were not my blood, I would never in a million years have had anything to do with her at all. We are not so simpatico as people. But she [I]is[/I] my sister. On the other hand, that she feels hatred for me (not that big a deal to me ~ we did grow up so twisted) but for my children and grands, is a deal breaker. Altogether. I don't feel badly about any of what I am doing when I remember what my sister did to my daughter when she was so broken. But hatred for me would explain so many things my sister does, and has always done. Just like it happens each time we recognize an abuser in our lives, all the pieces just keep falling seamlessly into place. I wish it were different for us ~ for me. It could be that my sister is happy with the way things are. It seems that she is. It seems to me that she needs to flaunt that to me ~ that she needs to be sure that I know she has won something I did not know we were playing against one another for. Like always, I am saying a version of: I don't get the win. And I don't. But I do understand: "Why" doesn't matter. And I don't get to cheat. That is a priceless concept for me, SWOT. Thank you so much for that. I would be cheating in my thoughts and in my heart right now without those words you gave us. It would explain the sending of the Oz plaque. It would explain the sense I had of being stalked. It would explain my sister's intense need to tell me she "knew" what had happened to my daughter when she was beat. I had not been keeping it secret. (Like that could happen with the way daughter was posting on FB!) It's just that neither my own mother nor my sister ever once saw fit to call me, never even posted in support of either daughter or myself while we were living through those terrible, terrible times. I still feel badly for all of us when I think back to those times. Ew. So, I am not sure how I came onto this track, but my sister is a villain figure in my life. It sounds terrible to say so, I get that. But I have been thinking, just finding little imagery popping up of things my sister has done. She invariably says the right things; but what she does tells a very different story than what she says. I think this stuff is all true. I think I have not wanted to believe it because I was so committed to creating that Disney imagery of family as that strong, centered core we all could take strength from and find peace in. Boy, was I wrong. It would explain so many things; things that have happened all of our lives. Does it explain wanting the four generation pictures taken here [I]when my mother lives with my sister during the winter months and has her own lake home twenty minutes away and those pics could have been taken any time?[/I] Or am I imagining things. [I] Snip. My sister may have a diagnosis of some kind, Cedar says, implying very bad things about her own sister without saying a word. [/I] Me too, Copa. How sad for us that this was so. But you created success in your professional life; I found or was found by, D H. If I had not found (or been found by) D H, I am very sure that the longer I was away from my FOO the healthier I would have become. I would have made the same choice of school and career that I eventually did make. I had always felt some special something for that school. I feel very blessed to have graduated there. D H did that for me, too. :O) In any event Copa and SWOT, we really were savagely abused when we were little girls. It isn't necessary to prove it. We bear the scars. We like to pretend we are strong and whole ~ and we are ~ but we are easy marks for predators, even today. And it looks to me like my sister may be a predator. Time to make breakfast. We have all these children here, now. Cocoa, eggs bacon sausage pancakes waffles. They are very hungry all the time until you feed them. Then, they become full so quickly until the dishes are done. Grandmas try to post. Children must eat. roar Cedar Ha! So, I left so quickly I did not post this. We have (not) eaten our breakfast grandma made us. We are doing potato salad and blueberry and lemon meringue pie for tomorrow. Lots of family, tomorrow. Our visit / reunification is going so well, Copa and SWOT. We are recognizing complex post traumatic stress in so many conversations with our daughter, and are coming through so well. THAT MAN WHO BEAT OUR DAUGHTER SENT HER A LETTER HER THROUGH HIS MOTHER. Have a great holiday, you two especially and IC, and everyone reading along with us. :O) [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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