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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660517" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You can look at it two ways, Cedar. Strength and integrity and the intention to do the right thing. No matter what. Or</p><p></p><p>Foolish and susceptible to victimization.</p><p></p><p>I choose to see it as the former. Unfortunately I still feel the latter but I am working on it. Perhaps in my life to come these archaic feelings will change.</p><p></p><p>Because I know it is courage and intention and the choosing to the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Look at that horrible story of the Greek American important, rich and powerful man in Washington Difficult Child. With his family he was tortured and murdered in a home invasion, by people he had known.</p><p></p><p>With all kinds of other holdings this powerful man owned martial arts studios.</p><p></p><p>Evil people can overcome, subdue, victimize and kill even the most powerful of us. That does not take away their strength, power, and courage. That in this one act they were overcome does not make them weak and vulnerable people. And it does not mean he should not have opened the door and welcome who killed him.</p><p>I differ. We understand. But we choose to undermine, subsequently, what we knew. We cannot or choose not to hold it in our minds as the important thing.</p><p></p><p>My son uses the term "cognitive dissonance" and each time he brings up the term he acts as if I do not know and could never understand such an important concept.</p><p></p><p>Even though I was schooled by the most important living academic theorist and researcher of the concept. Every time, he condescends to me that I could not possibly understand. I stray.</p><p></p><p>Cognitive Dissonance refers to the state of having two inconsistent thoughts or beliefs. This inconsistency feels noxious and intolerable and we cannot sustain for long holding the two contradictory thoughts at the same time. Thus we must change one of the two of the attitudes or thoughts, so as to restore psychic equilibrium.</p><p></p><p>Even if the resulting decision or attitude can be irrational or against our own interest we change our thinking. Because psychic consistency can be more important than rationality.</p><p></p><p>In our case we have sisters.</p><p></p><p>Cognition #1 Sisters love each other. We love our sisters.</p><p>Cognition #2. They do a horrible, killing thing. Fill in the blank...there are so many noxious things that they have done. Pick any one.</p><p></p><p>We feel psychic dissonance with our belief that sisters love each other and we are loving sisters.</p><p></p><p>We choose to suppress the knowledge of the evil deed done by our sisters, in order to calm ourselves.</p><p></p><p>We choose short term equilibrium in favor of truth.</p><p></p><p>But we always have the healthier option. In our case, to revise our thinking about sisters, as has SWOT.</p><p>This is exactly it. But not because we do not believe it is true. It is more that we cannot sustain the truth of it, because it causes cognitive dissonance. And it is that which we cannot tolerate.</p><p>Is this not interesting in light of the above? She is, herself putting forth the solution to the cognitive dissonance. An alternate cognition that we can choose to hold. A cognition put forth by SWOT numerous times: A sister is merely DNA unless there are sisterly feelings and actions and commitments between them. A sister is made by these, and not by the accident of birth.</p><p></p><p>And with the latter SWOT cognition, the repeated betrayals by our DNA sisters can be consistent. Therefore, no dissonance. Peace, tranquility and self-respect.</p><p>So now we have a choice, Cedar. Do we persist in holding the old cognition that sisters are loving and simpatico and we love our sisters--which repeatedly and utterly collides with reality? Or do we revise our thinking to that of SWOT, and therefore avoid the repetitive dissonance and distortions of our thinking that make us dis-respect ourselves, and distrust our thinking? In other words do we continue "to cheat."</p><p>I rest my case.</p><p></p><p>Does DNA make a sister, a mother? They will never, ever get it. Will we?</p><p></p><p>My mother never really changed. She just let me love her in my way. Because she no longer had the strength to do it her way.</p><p>Yes she is. This is true. And mine, in my life. But I do cheat. I looked again to see if she lowered the price of her house.</p><p>This is scary, Cedar. What does it mean? How is your daughter responding?</p><p></p><p>Have a great 4th, Cedar and SWOT.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>PS I forgot to put this in an earlier post. My son told me this: You can't get rid of Romy just to suit yourself. You have had him for awhile now.</p><p></p><p>So, I am supposed to subordinate my life to Romy, I asked?</p><p></p><p><em>If you were together and stable</em> you could take Romy.</p><p></p><p>Son: It's like adopting a child. Romy is yours. He doesn't deserve to be abandoned. He did nothing wrong. You have an obligation.</p><p></p><p>You were right SWOT.</p><p></p><p>I repeated this conversation to M. After all, it was <em>his</em> idea about Romy. I love Romy. But I love myself more.</p><p></p><p>M in a mildly disgusted voice: Son does not get to decide about the animals. We will discuss it at some future point, between us. In Spanish.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660517, member: 18958"] You can look at it two ways, Cedar. Strength and integrity and the intention to do the right thing. No matter what. Or Foolish and susceptible to victimization. I choose to see it as the former. Unfortunately I still feel the latter but I am working on it. Perhaps in my life to come these archaic feelings will change. Because I know it is courage and intention and the choosing to the right thing. Look at that horrible story of the Greek American important, rich and powerful man in Washington Difficult Child. With his family he was tortured and murdered in a home invasion, by people he had known. With all kinds of other holdings this powerful man owned martial arts studios. Evil people can overcome, subdue, victimize and kill even the most powerful of us. That does not take away their strength, power, and courage. That in this one act they were overcome does not make them weak and vulnerable people. And it does not mean he should not have opened the door and welcome who killed him. I differ. We understand. But we choose to undermine, subsequently, what we knew. We cannot or choose not to hold it in our minds as the important thing. My son uses the term "cognitive dissonance" and each time he brings up the term he acts as if I do not know and could never understand such an important concept. Even though I was schooled by the most important living academic theorist and researcher of the concept. Every time, he condescends to me that I could not possibly understand. I stray. Cognitive Dissonance refers to the state of having two inconsistent thoughts or beliefs. This inconsistency feels noxious and intolerable and we cannot sustain for long holding the two contradictory thoughts at the same time. Thus we must change one of the two of the attitudes or thoughts, so as to restore psychic equilibrium. Even if the resulting decision or attitude can be irrational or against our own interest we change our thinking. Because psychic consistency can be more important than rationality. In our case we have sisters. Cognition #1 Sisters love each other. We love our sisters. Cognition #2. They do a horrible, killing thing. Fill in the blank...there are so many noxious things that they have done. Pick any one. We feel psychic dissonance with our belief that sisters love each other and we are loving sisters. We choose to suppress the knowledge of the evil deed done by our sisters, in order to calm ourselves. We choose short term equilibrium in favor of truth. But we always have the healthier option. In our case, to revise our thinking about sisters, as has SWOT. This is exactly it. But not because we do not believe it is true. It is more that we cannot sustain the truth of it, because it causes cognitive dissonance. And it is that which we cannot tolerate. Is this not interesting in light of the above? She is, herself putting forth the solution to the cognitive dissonance. An alternate cognition that we can choose to hold. A cognition put forth by SWOT numerous times: A sister is merely DNA unless there are sisterly feelings and actions and commitments between them. A sister is made by these, and not by the accident of birth. And with the latter SWOT cognition, the repeated betrayals by our DNA sisters can be consistent. Therefore, no dissonance. Peace, tranquility and self-respect. So now we have a choice, Cedar. Do we persist in holding the old cognition that sisters are loving and simpatico and we love our sisters--which repeatedly and utterly collides with reality? Or do we revise our thinking to that of SWOT, and therefore avoid the repetitive dissonance and distortions of our thinking that make us dis-respect ourselves, and distrust our thinking? In other words do we continue "to cheat." I rest my case. Does DNA make a sister, a mother? They will never, ever get it. Will we? My mother never really changed. She just let me love her in my way. Because she no longer had the strength to do it her way. Yes she is. This is true. And mine, in my life. But I do cheat. I looked again to see if she lowered the price of her house. This is scary, Cedar. What does it mean? How is your daughter responding? Have a great 4th, Cedar and SWOT. Thank you. PS I forgot to put this in an earlier post. My son told me this: You can't get rid of Romy just to suit yourself. You have had him for awhile now. So, I am supposed to subordinate my life to Romy, I asked? [I]If you were together and stable[/I] you could take Romy. Son: It's like adopting a child. Romy is yours. He doesn't deserve to be abandoned. He did nothing wrong. You have an obligation. You were right SWOT. I repeated this conversation to M. After all, it was [I]his[/I] idea about Romy. I love Romy. But I love myself more. M in a mildly disgusted voice: Son does not get to decide about the animals. We will discuss it at some future point, between us. In Spanish. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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