Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660608" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>SWOT, he was jealous. He could not stand the thought that he wanted her and could not have her, and another man could. Jealousy. And need for complete control.</p><p>But look at the situation of my nieces as my mother was dying. My mother diapered them, fed them, <em>loved them their whole lives. </em>And still she was as if nothing to them. <em>Nobody deserves that. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>They are not attachment disordered.</p><p></p><p>I cannot get over my feelings about this. I mean I almost have CPTSD about what happened around my mother's death, let alone the process of her dying.</p><p></p><p>We diapered her. We managed her feeding tube. We tended her when she was nothing but skin and bone. When she would aspirate and could not breathe, I monitored her oxygen and called the ambulance over and over. I was with her at her last breath. M washed her body. I could not. I kissed her cold face and lips.</p><p></p><p>I am totally unsuited to do what I did. Completely inadequate to have done so. But I did.</p><p></p><p>Nothing I went through is worse than the fact that my mother was rejected by her daughter and her granddaughters who she loved, as she lay dying. Betrayed after a lifetime. They were the close ones.</p><p></p><p>A daughter who felt completely at peace with herself and the world as she sought revenge on a woman who was dying. Adult young women who had sent greeting cards filled with love and kisses and I miss you. That meant nothing at all.</p><p></p><p>Looked at next to this duplicity and cruelty, the inability of Goneboy to take a step outside of his comfort zone, is not so bad.</p><p></p><p>I believe that you would be surprised to learn how very limited he is. Actually, I am limited in this way, too, now that I think about it.</p><p></p><p>I have a paternal uncle. He is 90 and the only living sibling of my father. He lives with his wife in this town where I live now.</p><p></p><p>After my parents divorced, my father's family did not do much to keep track of us. Actually nothing at all. I felt rejected by them, really.</p><p></p><p>I live now in the town where my father was born and grew up.</p><p></p><p>I lived here in this town once before in the nineties. The only thing this uncle did then was to every Christmas bring over some shortbread. We are Scots.</p><p></p><p>Of course I understood that he celebrated holidays with his family. And that we would have been fifth wheels. After all he did not really know us. Forty years of separation. My son was 5 or 6. He was hyper. I get that it would have been too much.</p><p></p><p>But I felt excluded. Again. My son and I were alone. We needed family.</p><p></p><p>If I am honest here, I would have never felt comfortable with them. We are so, so different. And there is so much water under the bridge. But another rejection hurt.</p><p></p><p>I have lived here this time for 6 years. I have been unable to go over to this uncle's house one time. I have not called him. When I see him I am loving. I hug him. I am warm. But I have not reached out to him. I have no ill will.</p><p></p><p>I have been unable to get over the feelings about my dead father. That is part of it. Or the feelings of exclusion that go back more than half of a century.</p><p></p><p>Despite the fact that I am the adult in the room, now. I do not choose to not go. But I do not choose either, to go.</p><p></p><p>And so I have felt guilty for all of these 6 years. But have not been able, still, to overcome what has held me back from doing the right thing, the correct thing. And he is 90 years now.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes hurts run so deep, that it dominates all else.</p><p></p><p>So, I guess I understand Goneboy in this situation. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes we are not big enough or strong enough to do the right thing. Even when we want to.</p><p></p><p>But my sister and her children, that was different. That was the purposeful inflicting of pain on somebody who loved you. And do do it for eternity. Without a chance for a do over. To make it so that somebody who loved you go to their eternal end without a goodbye. Without a word. Without a kiss. To me that is to torture somebody.</p><p></p><p>I wonder if she wanted to torture me. Or my mother. Or the both of us. Or if it really was that she was too weak and afraid despite her bluster and self-importance and arrogance and sense of superiority.</p><p></p><p>I will never ever understand or get over it. I have been wounded forever by it. I have Chronic PTSD because of it and a thousand other things, this is true. But this is among the worst of them.</p><p></p><p>Because it was evil. It is evil. And I do not understand evil. Weakness I understand. Evil no.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660608, member: 18958"] SWOT, he was jealous. He could not stand the thought that he wanted her and could not have her, and another man could. Jealousy. And need for complete control. But look at the situation of my nieces as my mother was dying. My mother diapered them, fed them, [I]loved them their whole lives. [/I]And still she was as if nothing to them. [I]Nobody deserves that. [/I] They are not attachment disordered. I cannot get over my feelings about this. I mean I almost have CPTSD about what happened around my mother's death, let alone the process of her dying. We diapered her. We managed her feeding tube. We tended her when she was nothing but skin and bone. When she would aspirate and could not breathe, I monitored her oxygen and called the ambulance over and over. I was with her at her last breath. M washed her body. I could not. I kissed her cold face and lips. I am totally unsuited to do what I did. Completely inadequate to have done so. But I did. Nothing I went through is worse than the fact that my mother was rejected by her daughter and her granddaughters who she loved, as she lay dying. Betrayed after a lifetime. They were the close ones. A daughter who felt completely at peace with herself and the world as she sought revenge on a woman who was dying. Adult young women who had sent greeting cards filled with love and kisses and I miss you. That meant nothing at all. Looked at next to this duplicity and cruelty, the inability of Goneboy to take a step outside of his comfort zone, is not so bad. I believe that you would be surprised to learn how very limited he is. Actually, I am limited in this way, too, now that I think about it. I have a paternal uncle. He is 90 and the only living sibling of my father. He lives with his wife in this town where I live now. After my parents divorced, my father's family did not do much to keep track of us. Actually nothing at all. I felt rejected by them, really. I live now in the town where my father was born and grew up. I lived here in this town once before in the nineties. The only thing this uncle did then was to every Christmas bring over some shortbread. We are Scots. Of course I understood that he celebrated holidays with his family. And that we would have been fifth wheels. After all he did not really know us. Forty years of separation. My son was 5 or 6. He was hyper. I get that it would have been too much. But I felt excluded. Again. My son and I were alone. We needed family. If I am honest here, I would have never felt comfortable with them. We are so, so different. And there is so much water under the bridge. But another rejection hurt. I have lived here this time for 6 years. I have been unable to go over to this uncle's house one time. I have not called him. When I see him I am loving. I hug him. I am warm. But I have not reached out to him. I have no ill will. I have been unable to get over the feelings about my dead father. That is part of it. Or the feelings of exclusion that go back more than half of a century. Despite the fact that I am the adult in the room, now. I do not choose to not go. But I do not choose either, to go. And so I have felt guilty for all of these 6 years. But have not been able, still, to overcome what has held me back from doing the right thing, the correct thing. And he is 90 years now. Sometimes hurts run so deep, that it dominates all else. So, I guess I understand Goneboy in this situation. Sometimes we are not big enough or strong enough to do the right thing. Even when we want to. But my sister and her children, that was different. That was the purposeful inflicting of pain on somebody who loved you. And do do it for eternity. Without a chance for a do over. To make it so that somebody who loved you go to their eternal end without a goodbye. Without a word. Without a kiss. To me that is to torture somebody. I wonder if she wanted to torture me. Or my mother. Or the both of us. Or if it really was that she was too weak and afraid despite her bluster and self-importance and arrogance and sense of superiority. I will never ever understand or get over it. I have been wounded forever by it. I have Chronic PTSD because of it and a thousand other things, this is true. But this is among the worst of them. Because it was evil. It is evil. And I do not understand evil. Weakness I understand. Evil no. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
Top