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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 660626" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Copa, I do think he has attachment disorder. I really do. He was six before he had a family at all and there is just no way he had no attachment issues.</p><p></p><p>He often said, "I am who I am because of me. My formative years were before I came here." He did not say it in a mean way and he is 100% right. Imagine getting your son at six rather than almost two. That's a lot of time. Ages infacy-3 are so important.</p><p></p><p>We did nothing to make him successful. HE did it all, starting very young when he saved every penny of his baby sitting money and taught himself how to build a computer. Financial success in a child does not equal success by the parents. I take no credit here a nd ex did nothing to spur on his incredible urge to achieve. The drive was in him. He was a brilliant young man and, if the social workers had been on their toes, which they weren't, would have found a more appropriate home for him. He gravitated to doctors and lawyers (and children of them) and computer wizards. He was placed into an average family with down-home values and only ex had gone to college (and he was really only average or slightly above in intelligence). I blame the system for not doing a better job of matching these older kids with families. We did not know him, however THEY did.</p><p></p><p>At the same time that Goneboy became available for adoption, from the same country (this was a new program) there was a ten year old boy who was very shy and we asked about him. We met him at a picnic for families of kids from that country. I felt an instant connection to him, but his own family said he would not open up to or talk to them. It bothered them. Goneboy was talking to them a mile a minute. The father owned a company and was telling him about it and, even at twelve, he was soooooooo interested.</p><p></p><p>Also, Bart and Goneboy had so much competition going on since they were the same age. I look back and wonder why they placed somebody our son's age with us. Even other social workers are surprised. Yes, we expressed an interest in Goneboy, on a cute picture and a short blurb in an adoption magazine, but social workers have no trouble saying "no." They got a ton of calls from all over the world about adopting him. Why didn't they match better? We would have done much better with the shy boy who was not Bart's age. He is one of the few kids from that country who really has not been a behavior problem in any way, at least the last we heard.</p><p></p><p>But there are no guarantees. Even biological children are often not a good fit in their families. Look at us...lol!</p><p></p><p>I think Goneboy kind of looked down on us and that's ok. He wanted a powerful, rich, successful family and he got just us. We were a good match for our other adopted kids, but he would have done better in a very intellectually challenging home with a harddriving father. To this day, he is a Type A personality, very driven, always at work, always wanting that extra dollar. That's who he is now and that is what he wanted and needed for a family and he got us.</p><p></p><p>I don't blame him or have the anger at him or trauma that I had with FOO. Anybody who spends six years in an orphanage and then has no control over his life as he is flown to another country and told "These are your parents" and is already a precocious six years old is going to have issues and bonding problems. WE should have thought harder and said, "Hey, this kid is the same age as our only child. It's probably not a good match." But we fell in love with his impish smile and we didn't think that. We thought "Bart will love having a brother his age. He likes to be with other kids."</p><p></p><p>It didn't work out that way.</p><p></p><p>To this day, Bart will say, and HAS said when asked, "Mom, I had a great childhood. You only made one mistake with me. Goneboy. You should have gotten a child who was not my age." He says it without rancor, but he did not like acquiring a twin.</p><p></p><p>I just don't think Goneboy could think of us as his family. Princess was with us since babyhood and definitely did and does and Goneboy was her brother, not somebody she had a romantic interest in!!!!</p><p></p><p>Goneboy is an angry young man inside, but it is hard to blame him for anything that he has done. I can't imagine the trauma of being shipped from one country to another at his age and being literally thrown into a family of people w ho didn't look like him that he didn't know. He cried at night at first. I was so desperate I found his birthmother for him and she wrote to us a lot at first. He kept her picture with him. Birthmother kept telling us to visit her and, trust me, we would have to calm his tears, but we did not have enough money to travel that far. After she kept asking us and we had to explain that we couldn't, she stopped writing. Probably broke her heart too.</p><p></p><p>He is in touch with her now and I'm glad. At least, he is FB friends with her and his half-biological sisters. I feel he is probably more whole today because he received some resolution. I can not blame him for not being able to bond to a family with how it occurred. The majority of the kids from his country did not do well. Most are not even doing as well as he is. I always tell people who want to adopt to adopt t he youngest child they can.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, that's the story as far as I know it. Again, a lot of it is speculation since Goneboy doesn't share. I wonder if he talks to his wife, but that is between them. I wish him well and love him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 660626, member: 1550"] Copa, I do think he has attachment disorder. I really do. He was six before he had a family at all and there is just no way he had no attachment issues. He often said, "I am who I am because of me. My formative years were before I came here." He did not say it in a mean way and he is 100% right. Imagine getting your son at six rather than almost two. That's a lot of time. Ages infacy-3 are so important. We did nothing to make him successful. HE did it all, starting very young when he saved every penny of his baby sitting money and taught himself how to build a computer. Financial success in a child does not equal success by the parents. I take no credit here a nd ex did nothing to spur on his incredible urge to achieve. The drive was in him. He was a brilliant young man and, if the social workers had been on their toes, which they weren't, would have found a more appropriate home for him. He gravitated to doctors and lawyers (and children of them) and computer wizards. He was placed into an average family with down-home values and only ex had gone to college (and he was really only average or slightly above in intelligence). I blame the system for not doing a better job of matching these older kids with families. We did not know him, however THEY did. At the same time that Goneboy became available for adoption, from the same country (this was a new program) there was a ten year old boy who was very shy and we asked about him. We met him at a picnic for families of kids from that country. I felt an instant connection to him, but his own family said he would not open up to or talk to them. It bothered them. Goneboy was talking to them a mile a minute. The father owned a company and was telling him about it and, even at twelve, he was soooooooo interested. Also, Bart and Goneboy had so much competition going on since they were the same age. I look back and wonder why they placed somebody our son's age with us. Even other social workers are surprised. Yes, we expressed an interest in Goneboy, on a cute picture and a short blurb in an adoption magazine, but social workers have no trouble saying "no." They got a ton of calls from all over the world about adopting him. Why didn't they match better? We would have done much better with the shy boy who was not Bart's age. He is one of the few kids from that country who really has not been a behavior problem in any way, at least the last we heard. But there are no guarantees. Even biological children are often not a good fit in their families. Look at us...lol! I think Goneboy kind of looked down on us and that's ok. He wanted a powerful, rich, successful family and he got just us. We were a good match for our other adopted kids, but he would have done better in a very intellectually challenging home with a harddriving father. To this day, he is a Type A personality, very driven, always at work, always wanting that extra dollar. That's who he is now and that is what he wanted and needed for a family and he got us. I don't blame him or have the anger at him or trauma that I had with FOO. Anybody who spends six years in an orphanage and then has no control over his life as he is flown to another country and told "These are your parents" and is already a precocious six years old is going to have issues and bonding problems. WE should have thought harder and said, "Hey, this kid is the same age as our only child. It's probably not a good match." But we fell in love with his impish smile and we didn't think that. We thought "Bart will love having a brother his age. He likes to be with other kids." It didn't work out that way. To this day, Bart will say, and HAS said when asked, "Mom, I had a great childhood. You only made one mistake with me. Goneboy. You should have gotten a child who was not my age." He says it without rancor, but he did not like acquiring a twin. I just don't think Goneboy could think of us as his family. Princess was with us since babyhood and definitely did and does and Goneboy was her brother, not somebody she had a romantic interest in!!!! Goneboy is an angry young man inside, but it is hard to blame him for anything that he has done. I can't imagine the trauma of being shipped from one country to another at his age and being literally thrown into a family of people w ho didn't look like him that he didn't know. He cried at night at first. I was so desperate I found his birthmother for him and she wrote to us a lot at first. He kept her picture with him. Birthmother kept telling us to visit her and, trust me, we would have to calm his tears, but we did not have enough money to travel that far. After she kept asking us and we had to explain that we couldn't, she stopped writing. Probably broke her heart too. He is in touch with her now and I'm glad. At least, he is FB friends with her and his half-biological sisters. I feel he is probably more whole today because he received some resolution. I can not blame him for not being able to bond to a family with how it occurred. The majority of the kids from his country did not do well. Most are not even doing as well as he is. I always tell people who want to adopt to adopt t he youngest child they can. Anyhow, that's the story as far as I know it. Again, a lot of it is speculation since Goneboy doesn't share. I wonder if he talks to his wife, but that is between them. I wish him well and love him. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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