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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660805" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Lioness, you have been abused. There is no other word to describe it.</p><p></p><p>When your daughter treats you badly it must make you feel as if there is no escape from what your life has been.</p><p></p><p>Each of us here on the Foo Files has this in common. When our kids fell apart, it touched the part of us that feels like there is something irrevocably broken or wrong or bad about us. Or else why would it be happening again?</p><p></p><p>That we caused it. It was our fault that our children failed or fell. That it must be something in us, that is responsible.</p><p></p><p>After all, if we had been good enough mothers, our children would have thrived or they would treat us well.</p><p></p><p>Then there is anger. We become defensive with them. We defend against their accusations, their criticisms, their betrayals.</p><p></p><p>Because there is the unspoken fear, I must deserve their rage, their mistreatment of me, their disrespect. Because I am a bad girl. A bad person. A bad mother. Because that is how you came to understand your treatment as a child: It must be my fault or my Mum would not be acting like this or treating me this way.</p><p></p><p>This is how children make sense of abuse. They come to think that they caused it. That their needs, or their power or their mistakes, were the cause of their parent acting like they did. Because to think that Mother is so out of control, or uncaring, or cruel is too horrible to accept. Then the world would be just too scary. A child could not tolerate that fear.</p><p></p><p>To feel their world has some order and sense in it. And that they have some power and importance in it, they come to understand their situations as: My fault.</p><p></p><p>None of this is true. None of it was true.</p><p></p><p>But the fear is this: This would not be repeating itself, again, with my child, if it were not my fault. Something bad about me. That is the false belief.</p><p></p><p>These reactions make everything worse. Because when we begin to defend ourselves from our children, we abdicate the role of parent.</p><p></p><p>And they still need us as parents. Not as victims.</p><p></p><p>We turn into abused children, with our own children.</p><p></p><p>And this is why we are here in the Foo Files. To take back our role as effective Mothers. And to understand and to put to rest those childhood traumas that stand as obstacles to our effectiveness as parents.</p><p></p><p>Lioness, you are not alone. Nor you SWOT or you, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, please come back.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660805, member: 18958"] Lioness, you have been abused. There is no other word to describe it. When your daughter treats you badly it must make you feel as if there is no escape from what your life has been. Each of us here on the Foo Files has this in common. When our kids fell apart, it touched the part of us that feels like there is something irrevocably broken or wrong or bad about us. Or else why would it be happening again? That we caused it. It was our fault that our children failed or fell. That it must be something in us, that is responsible. After all, if we had been good enough mothers, our children would have thrived or they would treat us well. Then there is anger. We become defensive with them. We defend against their accusations, their criticisms, their betrayals. Because there is the unspoken fear, I must deserve their rage, their mistreatment of me, their disrespect. Because I am a bad girl. A bad person. A bad mother. Because that is how you came to understand your treatment as a child: It must be my fault or my Mum would not be acting like this or treating me this way. This is how children make sense of abuse. They come to think that they caused it. That their needs, or their power or their mistakes, were the cause of their parent acting like they did. Because to think that Mother is so out of control, or uncaring, or cruel is too horrible to accept. Then the world would be just too scary. A child could not tolerate that fear. To feel their world has some order and sense in it. And that they have some power and importance in it, they come to understand their situations as: My fault. None of this is true. None of it was true. But the fear is this: This would not be repeating itself, again, with my child, if it were not my fault. Something bad about me. That is the false belief. These reactions make everything worse. Because when we begin to defend ourselves from our children, we abdicate the role of parent. And they still need us as parents. Not as victims. We turn into abused children, with our own children. And this is why we are here in the Foo Files. To take back our role as effective Mothers. And to understand and to put to rest those childhood traumas that stand as obstacles to our effectiveness as parents. Lioness, you are not alone. Nor you SWOT or you, Cedar. Cedar, please come back. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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