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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 660806" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>OMG, Lioness. I never got hit so I sort of wrestle with, "Was I really abused?" My therapists say YES and traumatized by the entire experience.</p><p></p><p>I hated my mother, but I loved her too. She just hated me and that grew as I got older. She told me that when she held me for the first time she felt "absolutely nothing." That's just the beginning of a horrible mother/daughter relationship.</p><p></p><p>Dysfunctional families, from what I've read, divide and conquer (good kid/bad kid), love conditionally only (do what I say or treat me exactly as I demand or I disown you), and often experience many members not speaking to one another. Even a tragedy does not bring dysfunctional families together, like serious illness or unexpected death or trauma.</p><p></p><p>Normal family that are "good enough" (none are perfect) forgive, give UNconditional love, and do forget differences and band together during hard times. They band together to lift the one who is down. Not so in dysfunctional families. Pure chaos, lack of teaching the children how to behave, controlling parent (at least one)...this always blows my mind when I think about it although it isn't even about me. My sister wanted to do a particular profession and wanted to take the college courses leading to that, but Mother threatened either not to pay or not to sign for sister's loan (I was not a part of it so not sure which) if Sister took THAT course. She would not allow her to take it. Instead, Sister took Fashion Merchandising, which is a bit of a joke. Her other idea was much better. But that's the control freak in my mother. In other ways, she just let us run wild, not caring what the house looked like, smelled like, what we wore, our grades, our behaviors...she never taught us about boundaries or limits or anything. Iin general, she did nothing, but she'd fixate on a few things and get very mean about them.</p><p></p><p>She could also be nice at times.</p><p></p><p>The trouble was, I never knew when she was going to "go off" on me. It could be the m iddle of the night or after I'd been out and just walked in the door. It came without warning. I was scared of her. But I also tried to call her in on how goofy our family was, so I got into trouble for that too. I saw it....and I didn't see it.</p><p></p><p>I needed to start therapy at 23. For quite a while I'd tell my therapists, "Oh, my mother was a GREAT mother. It was all me...I was a terrible kid." Nonsense. She was the adult and was the horrible one. I was just a kid...and it started in my infancy. Yuk. I hate typing about it as I've been really feeling happy lately!!! Just remembering gives me the creeps.</p><p></p><p>Do you know what an emotional flashback is? It's when you are reminded of a scary emotion you had as a child. It's not a picture flashback, like war vets have, but it is scary and certain people may trigger emotional flashbacks, like your sister. My sibs trigger mine.</p><p></p><p>I think I am the only one of my mother's kids who is not 100% emotionally damaged. My sister seems repelled by men who truly love her and favors abusive men and married men (this disgusts me). But married men are unavailable. Maybe that's the thing with her. My brother has never had a live-in relationship in his entire life. I am happily married 20 years now with four kids whom I am very blessed to have. THIS family, with husband, is my REAL family.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Cedar! Come back!!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 660806, member: 1550"] OMG, Lioness. I never got hit so I sort of wrestle with, "Was I really abused?" My therapists say YES and traumatized by the entire experience. I hated my mother, but I loved her too. She just hated me and that grew as I got older. She told me that when she held me for the first time she felt "absolutely nothing." That's just the beginning of a horrible mother/daughter relationship. Dysfunctional families, from what I've read, divide and conquer (good kid/bad kid), love conditionally only (do what I say or treat me exactly as I demand or I disown you), and often experience many members not speaking to one another. Even a tragedy does not bring dysfunctional families together, like serious illness or unexpected death or trauma. Normal family that are "good enough" (none are perfect) forgive, give UNconditional love, and do forget differences and band together during hard times. They band together to lift the one who is down. Not so in dysfunctional families. Pure chaos, lack of teaching the children how to behave, controlling parent (at least one)...this always blows my mind when I think about it although it isn't even about me. My sister wanted to do a particular profession and wanted to take the college courses leading to that, but Mother threatened either not to pay or not to sign for sister's loan (I was not a part of it so not sure which) if Sister took THAT course. She would not allow her to take it. Instead, Sister took Fashion Merchandising, which is a bit of a joke. Her other idea was much better. But that's the control freak in my mother. In other ways, she just let us run wild, not caring what the house looked like, smelled like, what we wore, our grades, our behaviors...she never taught us about boundaries or limits or anything. Iin general, she did nothing, but she'd fixate on a few things and get very mean about them. She could also be nice at times. The trouble was, I never knew when she was going to "go off" on me. It could be the m iddle of the night or after I'd been out and just walked in the door. It came without warning. I was scared of her. But I also tried to call her in on how goofy our family was, so I got into trouble for that too. I saw it....and I didn't see it. I needed to start therapy at 23. For quite a while I'd tell my therapists, "Oh, my mother was a GREAT mother. It was all me...I was a terrible kid." Nonsense. She was the adult and was the horrible one. I was just a kid...and it started in my infancy. Yuk. I hate typing about it as I've been really feeling happy lately!!! Just remembering gives me the creeps. Do you know what an emotional flashback is? It's when you are reminded of a scary emotion you had as a child. It's not a picture flashback, like war vets have, but it is scary and certain people may trigger emotional flashbacks, like your sister. My sibs trigger mine. I think I am the only one of my mother's kids who is not 100% emotionally damaged. My sister seems repelled by men who truly love her and favors abusive men and married men (this disgusts me). But married men are unavailable. Maybe that's the thing with her. My brother has never had a live-in relationship in his entire life. I am happily married 20 years now with four kids whom I am very blessed to have. THIS family, with husband, is my REAL family. Yes, Cedar! Come back!!!!! [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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