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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660904" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cedar, you may not be getting the whole truth. The medical establishment is not in the business of denying essential medications, even controlled substances, to those who need them. Nor would somebody who is in treatment for addiction, be forced to secure drugs illegally, in order to cope.</p><p></p><p>Think about it. Your daughter when the medications were stolen, could have contacted her physician, to arrange a solution. She may not have wanted to. Because to tell her physician or counselor that her medication was missing, or stolen, or used, contrary to prescription would have called forth a result that she did not want.</p><p></p><p>I fear there may be something sketchy going on.</p><p></p><p>I can understand the impossibility of your situation. You do not want to do anything that puts your daughter or the kids into a worse situation than that which already exists.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, to let pass even day by day, or hour by hour possible obfuscating or distortion, or deception, is to enable.</p><p></p><p>I for one do not know the right thing to do or what I would do. She is an adult and she is making the decisions about her life that are hers to make.</p><p></p><p>The thing is that we are responsible to ourselves both in terms of protecting our own welfare, and as parents. Our responses to our adult children need to be proactive and affirmative. Not defensive and fearful reactions based upon manipulations that our children set up. Because they manipulate to achieve short-term goals and needs that are likely not in their best interests.</p><p>If this is happening to her, indeed that would be a painful and frustrating circumstance. The thing is, do we know if this interpretation of things is a self-serving and subjective portrayal and that it may not take into account, your daughter's actions, decisions, and meeting of responsibilities, or lack thereof, that might have contributed to it?</p><p></p><p>If somebody is drug seeking they will be labeled as such. That is a reality.</p><p></p><p>Of course it would be painful and frustrating to want drugs you need, and not be given all of them you want, when you want them.</p><p></p><p>But I do not believe that physicians want their patient to endure pain just to be controlling, uncaring or withholding. There may be some physicians that care not if their patients suffer. I believe your daughter is astute, experienced and savvy enough to avoid these bad apples.</p><p></p><p>Medication will be limited, however, if it is believed that the patient is using it for secondary gain, abusing it, and to prescribe it puts the patient at risk. To prescribe a medication with the knowledge or even suspicion, that the patient may be abusing it, is unethical. An alternative would be prescribed, not as readily abused, or without the properties that would lend to abuse. You know all of this.</p><p></p><p>There may be more to the story, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>I recognize that to put your daughter on the spot now, could lead to more chaos, fear and suffering.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I am saying here is that we need to force ourselves to accept the most likely reality of things. I think you and D H need to decide together what is likely going on. Your best guess. It sounds like your daughter now, may not be in a condition to fully represent her true circumstances.</p><p></p><p>Even if your best guess, which may be the worst case, is not true, you will be operating based upon what you believe to be true, not having to fear every possible, horrible outcome. Not dependent upon your daughter for facts and explanations that she cannot at this time readily give. And trying to make sense of a bunch of representations which do not fit together coherently.</p><p></p><p>Could you try to piece together a diagnostic picture based upon clinical signs (not blood pressure, etc. I mean behaviors), as if she were your patient? You would proceed on firm ground. As you gather facts, you can then refine your understanding of things. But you would be proceeding based upon your gut, not based upon all kinds of scattered information that you cannot evaluate or verify.</p><p></p><p>I hope I am making some sense here. We are all stretched beyond our capacity by the situations we find ourselves in. Even trying to put myself in your shoes...I find myself...in a place where I cannot be sure what I would do.</p><p></p><p>I wonder how I function so well in my work, and from where that trust in my judgment comes? All I know is that I must feel confidence in myself in my work, or I could not do it effectively. And you too.</p><p></p><p>In my case the true thing that I resist knowing is that my son cannot do better than he is doing now. He could, but he has not yet decided to. Which is to say, he may never decide, because it is not in his personality to do so. That he will always want or need my support. And that he will keep acting in all of the ways that push my buttons. And that I am the one that needs to do the changing because to expect it from him is unrealistic, and beyond my control. I do not like this scenario, but if I were to accept it, I would have a course of action in front of me, over which I have control.</p><p></p><p>And the other true thing that I fear, is that I may never be able to detach fully, because it is not in my personality makeup to do so. And just as my son cannot do what he cannot do, neither can I.</p><p></p><p>I think that is what SWOT has been trying to tell me. She is probably right.</p><p></p><p>Whatever happens, you know you do not have to ask your daughter to leave. It is one option but not the only one. I felt bad afterwards about mentioning that.</p><p></p><p>Please keep posting. It will not help to neglect yourself. You know you do not have to read our posts. Let us know what is going on.</p><p></p><p>With affection and great care,</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660904, member: 18958"] Cedar, you may not be getting the whole truth. The medical establishment is not in the business of denying essential medications, even controlled substances, to those who need them. Nor would somebody who is in treatment for addiction, be forced to secure drugs illegally, in order to cope. Think about it. Your daughter when the medications were stolen, could have contacted her physician, to arrange a solution. She may not have wanted to. Because to tell her physician or counselor that her medication was missing, or stolen, or used, contrary to prescription would have called forth a result that she did not want. I fear there may be something sketchy going on. I can understand the impossibility of your situation. You do not want to do anything that puts your daughter or the kids into a worse situation than that which already exists. On the other hand, to let pass even day by day, or hour by hour possible obfuscating or distortion, or deception, is to enable. I for one do not know the right thing to do or what I would do. She is an adult and she is making the decisions about her life that are hers to make. The thing is that we are responsible to ourselves both in terms of protecting our own welfare, and as parents. Our responses to our adult children need to be proactive and affirmative. Not defensive and fearful reactions based upon manipulations that our children set up. Because they manipulate to achieve short-term goals and needs that are likely not in their best interests. If this is happening to her, indeed that would be a painful and frustrating circumstance. The thing is, do we know if this interpretation of things is a self-serving and subjective portrayal and that it may not take into account, your daughter's actions, decisions, and meeting of responsibilities, or lack thereof, that might have contributed to it? If somebody is drug seeking they will be labeled as such. That is a reality. Of course it would be painful and frustrating to want drugs you need, and not be given all of them you want, when you want them. But I do not believe that physicians want their patient to endure pain just to be controlling, uncaring or withholding. There may be some physicians that care not if their patients suffer. I believe your daughter is astute, experienced and savvy enough to avoid these bad apples. Medication will be limited, however, if it is believed that the patient is using it for secondary gain, abusing it, and to prescribe it puts the patient at risk. To prescribe a medication with the knowledge or even suspicion, that the patient may be abusing it, is unethical. An alternative would be prescribed, not as readily abused, or without the properties that would lend to abuse. You know all of this. There may be more to the story, Cedar. I recognize that to put your daughter on the spot now, could lead to more chaos, fear and suffering. I guess what I am saying here is that we need to force ourselves to accept the most likely reality of things. I think you and D H need to decide together what is likely going on. Your best guess. It sounds like your daughter now, may not be in a condition to fully represent her true circumstances. Even if your best guess, which may be the worst case, is not true, you will be operating based upon what you believe to be true, not having to fear every possible, horrible outcome. Not dependent upon your daughter for facts and explanations that she cannot at this time readily give. And trying to make sense of a bunch of representations which do not fit together coherently. Could you try to piece together a diagnostic picture based upon clinical signs (not blood pressure, etc. I mean behaviors), as if she were your patient? You would proceed on firm ground. As you gather facts, you can then refine your understanding of things. But you would be proceeding based upon your gut, not based upon all kinds of scattered information that you cannot evaluate or verify. I hope I am making some sense here. We are all stretched beyond our capacity by the situations we find ourselves in. Even trying to put myself in your shoes...I find myself...in a place where I cannot be sure what I would do. I wonder how I function so well in my work, and from where that trust in my judgment comes? All I know is that I must feel confidence in myself in my work, or I could not do it effectively. And you too. In my case the true thing that I resist knowing is that my son cannot do better than he is doing now. He could, but he has not yet decided to. Which is to say, he may never decide, because it is not in his personality to do so. That he will always want or need my support. And that he will keep acting in all of the ways that push my buttons. And that I am the one that needs to do the changing because to expect it from him is unrealistic, and beyond my control. I do not like this scenario, but if I were to accept it, I would have a course of action in front of me, over which I have control. And the other true thing that I fear, is that I may never be able to detach fully, because it is not in my personality makeup to do so. And just as my son cannot do what he cannot do, neither can I. I think that is what SWOT has been trying to tell me. She is probably right. Whatever happens, you know you do not have to ask your daughter to leave. It is one option but not the only one. I felt bad afterwards about mentioning that. Please keep posting. It will not help to neglect yourself. You know you do not have to read our posts. Let us know what is going on. With affection and great care, COPA [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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