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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661066" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>It is all so complicated.</p><p></p><p>We live in a society where the focus is on results, not on intent.There is cruelty in the world. Others seem too ready to judge us. I love my son. He seems not to be able to love me.</p><p></p><p>M said something lovely today. He told me this: My mother said that I should try to love you like a mother. I don't mean carnal love. That I should try to replace the love you miss from your mother, and more. He smiled so sweetly and sincerely as he told me. Like, he really wanted to try.</p><p></p><p>His Mom is back in Mx. And he spoke to her tonight. Somebody in M's family told her that we were fighting. We have fought in the past, but for a year or so have lived tranquilly. So, M's mother asked him about it, and he assured her that we were fine.</p><p></p><p>I thought to myself. He already loves me more than my mother was able. Whether he leaves now or later. Or stays. Already, I feel more loved.</p><p>It is so difficult to not be able to love ones child in the way that one needs to. To feel disrespected and mistreated. And to know that your child feels they do not get from you what they need.</p><p></p><p>And to have the sense that things will never change. That he will never have the insight to value what he did receive from me, to understand that I withhold what he wants for his own welfare, as much as my own, and that he will never attain the functioning where I feel that I did right by him, to feel that by adopting him there really was the redemption story that I hoped for, for either of us.</p><p></p><p>I know SWOT is right, that my son came into our relationship with limits that had nothing to do with me. And that my needs to feel good about myself, are not the important thing. But there is something in us as mothers, that needs to feel a sense of completion. I cannot explain it. Perhaps that is what you are trying to say about intent. To value myself for the intention I brought to being a mother, and to let go of the result.</p><p>What if this is him, Cedar? What if he has some limitation of personality, whereby he will not and cannot see that he is responsible for these manipulations, lies, distortions....and will never see the necessity to change..and will always make it the fault and responsibility of others....and that I will never come to grips with it...or be able to be easy with him...no longer angry.</p><p>This is true. Except if he will never change, I cannot be angry forever. Because it seems I cannot not be close to him. I must find a way to change.</p><p>I have never seen M's mother judge herself harshly. At the same time I have never known anybody with such purity of intent. Her expectations of herself are very, very high. Yet her expectations are of herself, not of any outcome. While her children love and respect her, she does not need their favor or expect it. I do not know how to be like this.</p><p></p><p>I need the love and favor of my child, and I do not know how to win it, and at the same time be true to myself.</p><p></p><p>I called the Big City, to the motel where my son stays sometimes, free. He was there Mon and Tues night but left today said the owner. My son has infinite respect for this man. And none for us, neither M nor me. I do not know how this happened that I am not respected or valued by my son. I asked M, just now, if he thinks it is racism. He answered, It isn't important to me. It is to me. </p><p></p><p>It feels like the Groucho Marx line: I wouldn't join a club that would have me as a member.</p><p></p><p>I feel like throwing him out of my club, just to show him. If you don't want me, I don't want you. Punish him for how much he hurts me. Except SWOT would get mad at me. </p><p></p><p>M says I should ask my son the next time he calls who he is calling for, his mother or his friend from the Big City.</p><p></p><p>The woman said she would call me if and when he showed up there. I wish he would come here. Isn't that nutty?</p><p></p><p>I cannot live without him or with him. </p><p></p><p>I want him to love me. And I want to love him. Both of these are problematic of late.</p><p></p><p>Too bad about the pipes. I am always kind of scared about water damage. Years ago we stripped the carpet and the tile in the house down to the concrete because I wanted a white floor. M flushed the floor with a hose, and the water gushed throughout the house even into the walls. He was sanguine. I was freaked. Now I could care less. The white concrete floor is more practical than one would think. We can mop it.</p><p></p><p>Glad you are back, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661066, member: 18958"] It is all so complicated. We live in a society where the focus is on results, not on intent.There is cruelty in the world. Others seem too ready to judge us. I love my son. He seems not to be able to love me. M said something lovely today. He told me this: My mother said that I should try to love you like a mother. I don't mean carnal love. That I should try to replace the love you miss from your mother, and more. He smiled so sweetly and sincerely as he told me. Like, he really wanted to try. His Mom is back in Mx. And he spoke to her tonight. Somebody in M's family told her that we were fighting. We have fought in the past, but for a year or so have lived tranquilly. So, M's mother asked him about it, and he assured her that we were fine. I thought to myself. He already loves me more than my mother was able. Whether he leaves now or later. Or stays. Already, I feel more loved. It is so difficult to not be able to love ones child in the way that one needs to. To feel disrespected and mistreated. And to know that your child feels they do not get from you what they need. And to have the sense that things will never change. That he will never have the insight to value what he did receive from me, to understand that I withhold what he wants for his own welfare, as much as my own, and that he will never attain the functioning where I feel that I did right by him, to feel that by adopting him there really was the redemption story that I hoped for, for either of us. I know SWOT is right, that my son came into our relationship with limits that had nothing to do with me. And that my needs to feel good about myself, are not the important thing. But there is something in us as mothers, that needs to feel a sense of completion. I cannot explain it. Perhaps that is what you are trying to say about intent. To value myself for the intention I brought to being a mother, and to let go of the result. What if this is him, Cedar? What if he has some limitation of personality, whereby he will not and cannot see that he is responsible for these manipulations, lies, distortions....and will never see the necessity to change..and will always make it the fault and responsibility of others....and that I will never come to grips with it...or be able to be easy with him...no longer angry. This is true. Except if he will never change, I cannot be angry forever. Because it seems I cannot not be close to him. I must find a way to change. I have never seen M's mother judge herself harshly. At the same time I have never known anybody with such purity of intent. Her expectations of herself are very, very high. Yet her expectations are of herself, not of any outcome. While her children love and respect her, she does not need their favor or expect it. I do not know how to be like this. I need the love and favor of my child, and I do not know how to win it, and at the same time be true to myself. I called the Big City, to the motel where my son stays sometimes, free. He was there Mon and Tues night but left today said the owner. My son has infinite respect for this man. And none for us, neither M nor me. I do not know how this happened that I am not respected or valued by my son. I asked M, just now, if he thinks it is racism. He answered, It isn't important to me. It is to me. It feels like the Groucho Marx line: I wouldn't join a club that would have me as a member. I feel like throwing him out of my club, just to show him. If you don't want me, I don't want you. Punish him for how much he hurts me. Except SWOT would get mad at me. M says I should ask my son the next time he calls who he is calling for, his mother or his friend from the Big City. The woman said she would call me if and when he showed up there. I wish he would come here. Isn't that nutty? I cannot live without him or with him. I want him to love me. And I want to love him. Both of these are problematic of late. Too bad about the pipes. I am always kind of scared about water damage. Years ago we stripped the carpet and the tile in the house down to the concrete because I wanted a white floor. M flushed the floor with a hose, and the water gushed throughout the house even into the walls. He was sanguine. I was freaked. Now I could care less. The white concrete floor is more practical than one would think. We can mop it. Glad you are back, Cedar. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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