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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 661155" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Oh. That could be it. After daughter was beat, I did go through that time I described as a loss of faith. I am believing people the first time they tell me who they are, now. Sometimes, I wonder what is wrong with me. I suppose I believed in people before because things as they are do often seem so ugly. </p><p></p><p>What about compassion?</p><p></p><p>I find that I have no compassion.</p><p></p><p>I am tired of being Pollyanna.</p><p></p><p>It could be that this is the beginning of wisdom; of some core change in the way I see and think. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The question would still be why they do that, why they find satisfaction in that. The answer would have to be to soothe some internal wounding. Addressing the wounding, loving the person and ourselves out of the hurt of it makes sense to me.</p><p></p><p>Or am I wrong on that.</p><p></p><p>You know, it could just be that I am not likeable. It could just be that everyone is sick of my addicted or otherwise weirded out kids. (Lord knows I am sick of all of us, sometimes.)</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>But that does not explain my mother, digging into the roots of the hostas or my sister, stalking my daughter on FB and then, taunting me with what she "knew". Why would she do that, I wonder? FB is quite the public place. There is no one who did not know whatever they wanted to because daughter was open about what had happened and its effects. </p><p></p><p>So, why would my sister PM me for details and then, respond that she already knew?</p><p></p><p>Was it done to hurt me, do you think?</p><p></p><p>And where is the win in that for her?</p><p></p><p>It can all look so ugly.</p><p></p><p>Ours is an ugly story.</p><p></p><p>Hard to believe it could be what it looks like, but of course, it is. I am beginning to circle, here. How could it be what it looks like and of course it is what it looks like and on and on. Usually, this is where I decide to believe in all of us.</p><p></p><p>Not this time.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is; it is what it looks like.</p><p></p><p>Why doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>Most crucially, to encourage tender reflection. I was showering and cleaning the bathroom this morning (now that the pipes are clear). Daughter woke up, so I began trying to hurry <em>and you should have heard the way I treated myself!</em></p><p></p><p>So, we need to watch for things like that. Though I was aware of it, I still felt so freaking crabby and frustrated and ugly. The difference now is that I understand this is how I was taught to see and treat and talk to myself. It seems I have been taught that I mattered less than perfect cleanliness, than everyone's full belly. This seems extraordinary to me, that I have found that bubbling toxicity and been able to touch it.</p><p></p><p>So, that's what happened to me, this morning.</p><p></p><p>The connection between everything perfectly clean, between breakfasts and lunches and dinners and everything clean and the laundry done and the sense of satisfaction I feel there ~ that is my mother's negativity and hatred that fuels that sense of satisfaction.</p><p></p><p>That is what I am trying to describe, this morning.</p><p></p><p>It has to do with all those years of my life when establishing order in her house mattered more to me than I mattered to me.</p><p></p><p>I found the core of that spot.</p><p></p><p>And it is self-hatred.</p><p></p><p>So okay you two. It looks like I am transforming myself into someone quick to criticize people she will never believe can to better and a sloppy person, too.</p><p></p><p>Probably I will stop cooking any day now.</p><p></p><p>D H will be so surprised.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>But it is true that I was taught these endless external chores matter more than I do. It is true that my mother's contempt for my writing had to do with what my "proper" role should be. </p><p></p><p>How extraordinary.</p><p></p><p>Oh for heaven's sake. Looks like I am angry and resentful, again.</p><p></p><p>How unattractive.</p><p></p><p>Cedar said, connecting to another of her mother's teachings: not just that appearance matters, but that it is the only thing that matters, once someone (else) has cleaned the house.</p><p></p><p>More resentment.</p><p></p><p>Good.</p><p></p><p>What kind of mother does the things my mother did? Distaste for her, sadness for her, shame at her, embarrassment and maybe, even hatred. Resentment, for sure. I wish I had known. Things are coming together, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very good, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Remember my posting about having chosen the school I did to prove once and for all whether I were stupid or evil?</p><p></p><p>We are amazingly strong, to have stood up the way we have. Self condemnation is a horrible thing because we are blind to it. It feels so much like the exactly right thing. Do you suppose that is because it feels like our mothers, Copa?</p><p></p><p>Where else could we have possibly learned to view and to treat ourselves this way.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love this.</p><p></p><p>But I think there are two prongs to this. The one is hatred and punishment; the other, guilt and recrimination at having foolishly broken something perfect.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Copa, your post is extraordinary. </p><p></p><p>We are doing such incredible work here on this thread.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 661155, member: 17461"] Oh. That could be it. After daughter was beat, I did go through that time I described as a loss of faith. I am believing people the first time they tell me who they are, now. Sometimes, I wonder what is wrong with me. I suppose I believed in people before because things as they are do often seem so ugly. What about compassion? I find that I have no compassion. I am tired of being Pollyanna. It could be that this is the beginning of wisdom; of some core change in the way I see and think. The question would still be why they do that, why they find satisfaction in that. The answer would have to be to soothe some internal wounding. Addressing the wounding, loving the person and ourselves out of the hurt of it makes sense to me. Or am I wrong on that. You know, it could just be that I am not likeable. It could just be that everyone is sick of my addicted or otherwise weirded out kids. (Lord knows I am sick of all of us, sometimes.) :O) But that does not explain my mother, digging into the roots of the hostas or my sister, stalking my daughter on FB and then, taunting me with what she "knew". Why would she do that, I wonder? FB is quite the public place. There is no one who did not know whatever they wanted to because daughter was open about what had happened and its effects. So, why would my sister PM me for details and then, respond that she already knew? Was it done to hurt me, do you think? And where is the win in that for her? It can all look so ugly. Ours is an ugly story. Hard to believe it could be what it looks like, but of course, it is. I am beginning to circle, here. How could it be what it looks like and of course it is what it looks like and on and on. Usually, this is where I decide to believe in all of us. Not this time. It is what it is; it is what it looks like. Why doesn't matter. Most crucially, to encourage tender reflection. I was showering and cleaning the bathroom this morning (now that the pipes are clear). Daughter woke up, so I began trying to hurry [I]and you should have heard the way I treated myself![/I] So, we need to watch for things like that. Though I was aware of it, I still felt so freaking crabby and frustrated and ugly. The difference now is that I understand this is how I was taught to see and treat and talk to myself. It seems I have been taught that I mattered less than perfect cleanliness, than everyone's full belly. This seems extraordinary to me, that I have found that bubbling toxicity and been able to touch it. So, that's what happened to me, this morning. The connection between everything perfectly clean, between breakfasts and lunches and dinners and everything clean and the laundry done and the sense of satisfaction I feel there ~ that is my mother's negativity and hatred that fuels that sense of satisfaction. That is what I am trying to describe, this morning. It has to do with all those years of my life when establishing order in her house mattered more to me than I mattered to me. I found the core of that spot. And it is self-hatred. So okay you two. It looks like I am transforming myself into someone quick to criticize people she will never believe can to better and a sloppy person, too. Probably I will stop cooking any day now. D H will be so surprised. :O) But it is true that I was taught these endless external chores matter more than I do. It is true that my mother's contempt for my writing had to do with what my "proper" role should be. How extraordinary. Oh for heaven's sake. Looks like I am angry and resentful, again. How unattractive. Cedar said, connecting to another of her mother's teachings: not just that appearance matters, but that it is the only thing that matters, once someone (else) has cleaned the house. More resentment. Good. What kind of mother does the things my mother did? Distaste for her, sadness for her, shame at her, embarrassment and maybe, even hatred. Resentment, for sure. I wish I had known. Things are coming together, now. This is very good, Copa. Remember my posting about having chosen the school I did to prove once and for all whether I were stupid or evil? We are amazingly strong, to have stood up the way we have. Self condemnation is a horrible thing because we are blind to it. It feels so much like the exactly right thing. Do you suppose that is because it feels like our mothers, Copa? Where else could we have possibly learned to view and to treat ourselves this way. I love this. But I think there are two prongs to this. The one is hatred and punishment; the other, guilt and recrimination at having foolishly broken something perfect. *** Copa, your post is extraordinary. We are doing such incredible work here on this thread. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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