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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 661244" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I did not have this dilemma. In reality, I don't know what I'd do with an old, sick mother with brain damage who treated me like poop all her life if there had been nobody else.</p><p>I like to think I would have respected myself enough to do what I'm good at--finding a good facility and letting them do the caretaking so that my own family did not suffer because she was sick. I feel it would have been morally wrong of me to deny my husband and children the best I had in order to take care of my mother, who hated me, in her diminished state. I don't even WANT my kids to take care of me that way. When/if I ever get that incapacitated I want them to find me a place and to go on with their lives. It was selfish, in my opinion, of your mother to expect you to do all the stuff my daughter does in nursing homes. My daughter, however, gets paid and it is not personal to her.</p><p></p><p>I don't want my kids to remember me as somebody sad that they had to wipe and diaper and change. Ewww.</p><p></p><p>So I would not have left my mother on somebody's doorstep, but I would not have taken care of her or visited either. She had her chance to be nice to me when she was healthy and in her right mind (if she even HAD a right mind). She chose not to. I think her groveling to me at the last would have been pathetic for her and for me.</p><p></p><p>The time to be nice to those who love you (and I loved her f or a long time) is when you are able to have a relationship and if you have problems you talk about them. My FOO never talks about anything. Trying to will make Sissy hang up and do a cut off. Brother writes a letter. Wow. That is fruitful. We were taught to hide things. Not to talk about it. And you NEVER criticized the Queen. Although she was pretty nasty to her own mother as I heard both from her mother and out of her own mouth at the nursing home just before my grandmother died.</p><p></p><p>I'm getting off topic, but this hit a chord with me.</p><p></p><p>Morally bankrupt to me means to not care w hat you do as long as you benefit. Not everyone in my family did this often. My mother certainly did this to me, yet she would not have cheated on my father with a married man and have thought it was ok, like my sister did. She was a mish-mosh, a hodegpodge and nothing came together. As I knew her, when I knew her, she was the same mess as I was. And my sister is still there...morally incapable of thinking about how her actions affect everybody else if she wants to do something. When she divorced, she still had a minor son at home who spent most of his time with his father, who actually paid attention to him. Where was she?</p><p></p><p>With abusive boyfriend, of course. Almost every night. Even in front of me, with him in the car, she'd be talking in code about abusive boyfriend instead of talking to her son.</p><p></p><p>To me, you look at "morally bankrupt" you see her picture. She is lucky he's a good kid, yet I know from experience that once a spouse pops into the picture or time passes by and your neglected child is all grown, things don't always stay rosy. But that's her circus and her monkey, not mine.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 661244, member: 1550"] I did not have this dilemma. In reality, I don't know what I'd do with an old, sick mother with brain damage who treated me like poop all her life if there had been nobody else. I like to think I would have respected myself enough to do what I'm good at--finding a good facility and letting them do the caretaking so that my own family did not suffer because she was sick. I feel it would have been morally wrong of me to deny my husband and children the best I had in order to take care of my mother, who hated me, in her diminished state. I don't even WANT my kids to take care of me that way. When/if I ever get that incapacitated I want them to find me a place and to go on with their lives. It was selfish, in my opinion, of your mother to expect you to do all the stuff my daughter does in nursing homes. My daughter, however, gets paid and it is not personal to her. I don't want my kids to remember me as somebody sad that they had to wipe and diaper and change. Ewww. So I would not have left my mother on somebody's doorstep, but I would not have taken care of her or visited either. She had her chance to be nice to me when she was healthy and in her right mind (if she even HAD a right mind). She chose not to. I think her groveling to me at the last would have been pathetic for her and for me. The time to be nice to those who love you (and I loved her f or a long time) is when you are able to have a relationship and if you have problems you talk about them. My FOO never talks about anything. Trying to will make Sissy hang up and do a cut off. Brother writes a letter. Wow. That is fruitful. We were taught to hide things. Not to talk about it. And you NEVER criticized the Queen. Although she was pretty nasty to her own mother as I heard both from her mother and out of her own mouth at the nursing home just before my grandmother died. I'm getting off topic, but this hit a chord with me. Morally bankrupt to me means to not care w hat you do as long as you benefit. Not everyone in my family did this often. My mother certainly did this to me, yet she would not have cheated on my father with a married man and have thought it was ok, like my sister did. She was a mish-mosh, a hodegpodge and nothing came together. As I knew her, when I knew her, she was the same mess as I was. And my sister is still there...morally incapable of thinking about how her actions affect everybody else if she wants to do something. When she divorced, she still had a minor son at home who spent most of his time with his father, who actually paid attention to him. Where was she? With abusive boyfriend, of course. Almost every night. Even in front of me, with him in the car, she'd be talking in code about abusive boyfriend instead of talking to her son. To me, you look at "morally bankrupt" you see her picture. She is lucky he's a good kid, yet I know from experience that once a spouse pops into the picture or time passes by and your neglected child is all grown, things don't always stay rosy. But that's her circus and her monkey, not mine. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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