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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 661300" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok, but here's the elephant in the room.</p><p></p><p>Copa, she could have said, as I would say, "I don't want you to take care of me. It's too hard and I want you to go on with your life, be with your son. Just visit me and make sure I'm in a good place and I'll be fine. All I want is your love."</p><p></p><p>If she said that, you could have cared for her by visiting and bringing her companionship rather than taking care of very difficult needs that many seniors don't want their children to do. Not all. But many. Would you want your son to care for you that way?</p><p></p><p>You did not ever in any way abuse your mother. You went above and beyond and had to see her turn into an infant, and she allowed you to do it because she wanted you, even at the end, to care for her. I'm sure she appreciated it, but this is just an abusive mother, at the e nd of her life, allowing herself to be cared for by her daughter who she didn't treat well when their were alternatives that would have been more efficient for her and easier for you. You have nothing, NOTHING to feel guilty about. In no way have you EVER let your mother down. She let YOU down.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I am starting to see this in my family of origin too. I did what I coudl to help them. I fell all over myself trying to make things better, in the best way I knew how, with my limitations and my poor social skills that were not helped by my parents. And I got slammed for them and my intentions were misunderstood. By my sister w hen I told my mother what was happening to her so that she would stop being a teenager and at least stay home the few days my sister was home from college...maybe it would have stopped my sister from getting into some stuff that was not good...maybe not, but she didn't even try and, of course, I got blamed. For my brother because I thought he was still in NJ and when I called his apartment, giggling kids, who sounded high, said he didn't live there and hung up twice so I asked the police to do a wellness check on my brother. I was seriously afraid for him, but that too got turned on me. It never crossed my mind that he'd allow young people, students, to stay in his apartment. I will try to think the best of him and assume they were over 18, otherwise no wonder he was angry I asked t he cops for a well visit. He wanted to be the student hero, at all costs. And he is. His students love him. But I didn't mean anything bad by it, no matter what he thought. And, although we bordered on homelessness during my father's 85th scheduled surprise party, with I orchestrated (none of the others would have) I couldn't go to Illinois...circumstances I could not have seen prevented it. I got the entire blame for that from siblings AND father, but since reconciled with father and told him f lat out that I didn't feel guiltly and did what I had to do. We had to think of our safety before his party. The party neededn't have been canceled. My sister and hers, my brother, my kids were ready to go. I still don't get why they blamed me for that other t han that they needed to blame me.</p><p></p><p>Copa, let it go. You were not the abuser. Your inensions were not to abuse. Hers were. Cedars are. My FOO looked at every corner to see how innocent acts that I felt were the right thing to do were to stick it to them.</p><p></p><p>Time to stick it to them, not in actuality, but in your mind. Let go of your mother. You did more than most would have done for her and she wasn't even nice to you until she was too feeble to resist and didn't want you to go away...finally. Cedar, you have gone out of your way to try to please everybody...a daunting job. You did not even realize you were being abused. You thought you deserved it. WE ALL THOUGHT WE DESERVED IT!!!!</p><p></p><p>F "them"--the "thems" in our lives.</p><p></p><p>July 4th has already come and gone, but I like to think that next July 4th, it will be our independence day as well as our countrys. We are set free by our knowledge of what REALLY happened. Yes, it took us long enough, but it is never too late to stop abusing ourselves and blaming ourselves and letting other people, who are damaged, define our lives, no matter who is trying to do it.</p><p></p><p>Think of a giant toilet. Flush down the abusers in your life. Watch them twirl around, slowly at first then faster and faster as they are pulled down, until they disappear with the water and go to the sewer, our own personal sewer. Mean picture? Compared to how they have hurt us, I don't think so.</p><p></p><p>I am still doing well. I should not, however, have checked to see if my sister if posting about me, even though I didn't read even the titles of her posts. Just seeing her fake name---deaux sous---gave me the chills. I don't even know what it means, but that's what she uses. I will try very hard never to see if she is posting again.</p><p></p><p>I did not check to see if she is still whining about her boyfriend on that site, but have no doubt that she is glued to him and does not have the self-esteem, self-love, or willpower to walk away from the trainwreck. And that is how I will remember her because it is the last time I will know of her activities. Brother? I don't care. He yanks my chains less because we have been so distant for so long...who cares? He knows nothing of me and my intentions. Mother? Dead. And I have to bury her for real, even in the voices that speak to me in my head.</p><p></p><p>I notice that Operation Oblivion kind of erases those nasty voices in my head and I am no longer saying to myself, "You idiot." "You lazy loser." "You're seflish." The bottom line that they are telling us is, "I am a better person than you."</p><p></p><p>No they aren't. Far from it. I don't think anyone in my FOO, except grandmother who did volunteer, has ever done anything for anybody who needed them in their lives. I call them selfish. And I can.And they can't tell me they aren't because I won't be reading their posts or hearing their conversations. But they don't understand things like adoption and dog rescue because it is not something they have the hearts to do. My brother has helped his students, sometimes in my opinion in unhealthy ways outside of school, but I can not know that for a face. He did have a picture of himself and a close sixteen year old sudent that he sent to my father in a frame, as if they were a couple and it gave me an icky feeling, like maybe he had a crush on him. I do not believe anything bad happened, but I think he may have liked him more than he should have. Even my mother was upset about that. But...not my circus, not my monkey and I could be drawing the wrong conclusion, MUCH LIKE HE DID WITH ME.My capricious sister also thought it was weird, by the way. Yes, at the time, Sis thought it was very odd.</p><p></p><p>I don't know or care about that now. I want to be clear--I don't believe my brother would have done anything wrong, even if he had fantasies in his mind. </p><p></p><p>Coffee almost done. I have to work today. I will be back later, ladies. Have a good day, knowing you are GOOD and WHOLE and have been tricked by your abusers into thinking otherwise. Shoulders back/head high/chin up <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/notalone.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":notalone:" title="notalone :notalone:" data-shortname=":notalone:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 661300, member: 1550"] Ok, but here's the elephant in the room. Copa, she could have said, as I would say, "I don't want you to take care of me. It's too hard and I want you to go on with your life, be with your son. Just visit me and make sure I'm in a good place and I'll be fine. All I want is your love." If she said that, you could have cared for her by visiting and bringing her companionship rather than taking care of very difficult needs that many seniors don't want their children to do. Not all. But many. Would you want your son to care for you that way? You did not ever in any way abuse your mother. You went above and beyond and had to see her turn into an infant, and she allowed you to do it because she wanted you, even at the end, to care for her. I'm sure she appreciated it, but this is just an abusive mother, at the e nd of her life, allowing herself to be cared for by her daughter who she didn't treat well when their were alternatives that would have been more efficient for her and easier for you. You have nothing, NOTHING to feel guilty about. In no way have you EVER let your mother down. She let YOU down. Copa, I am starting to see this in my family of origin too. I did what I coudl to help them. I fell all over myself trying to make things better, in the best way I knew how, with my limitations and my poor social skills that were not helped by my parents. And I got slammed for them and my intentions were misunderstood. By my sister w hen I told my mother what was happening to her so that she would stop being a teenager and at least stay home the few days my sister was home from college...maybe it would have stopped my sister from getting into some stuff that was not good...maybe not, but she didn't even try and, of course, I got blamed. For my brother because I thought he was still in NJ and when I called his apartment, giggling kids, who sounded high, said he didn't live there and hung up twice so I asked the police to do a wellness check on my brother. I was seriously afraid for him, but that too got turned on me. It never crossed my mind that he'd allow young people, students, to stay in his apartment. I will try to think the best of him and assume they were over 18, otherwise no wonder he was angry I asked t he cops for a well visit. He wanted to be the student hero, at all costs. And he is. His students love him. But I didn't mean anything bad by it, no matter what he thought. And, although we bordered on homelessness during my father's 85th scheduled surprise party, with I orchestrated (none of the others would have) I couldn't go to Illinois...circumstances I could not have seen prevented it. I got the entire blame for that from siblings AND father, but since reconciled with father and told him f lat out that I didn't feel guiltly and did what I had to do. We had to think of our safety before his party. The party neededn't have been canceled. My sister and hers, my brother, my kids were ready to go. I still don't get why they blamed me for that other t han that they needed to blame me. Copa, let it go. You were not the abuser. Your inensions were not to abuse. Hers were. Cedars are. My FOO looked at every corner to see how innocent acts that I felt were the right thing to do were to stick it to them. Time to stick it to them, not in actuality, but in your mind. Let go of your mother. You did more than most would have done for her and she wasn't even nice to you until she was too feeble to resist and didn't want you to go away...finally. Cedar, you have gone out of your way to try to please everybody...a daunting job. You did not even realize you were being abused. You thought you deserved it. WE ALL THOUGHT WE DESERVED IT!!!! F "them"--the "thems" in our lives. July 4th has already come and gone, but I like to think that next July 4th, it will be our independence day as well as our countrys. We are set free by our knowledge of what REALLY happened. Yes, it took us long enough, but it is never too late to stop abusing ourselves and blaming ourselves and letting other people, who are damaged, define our lives, no matter who is trying to do it. Think of a giant toilet. Flush down the abusers in your life. Watch them twirl around, slowly at first then faster and faster as they are pulled down, until they disappear with the water and go to the sewer, our own personal sewer. Mean picture? Compared to how they have hurt us, I don't think so. I am still doing well. I should not, however, have checked to see if my sister if posting about me, even though I didn't read even the titles of her posts. Just seeing her fake name---deaux sous---gave me the chills. I don't even know what it means, but that's what she uses. I will try very hard never to see if she is posting again. I did not check to see if she is still whining about her boyfriend on that site, but have no doubt that she is glued to him and does not have the self-esteem, self-love, or willpower to walk away from the trainwreck. And that is how I will remember her because it is the last time I will know of her activities. Brother? I don't care. He yanks my chains less because we have been so distant for so long...who cares? He knows nothing of me and my intentions. Mother? Dead. And I have to bury her for real, even in the voices that speak to me in my head. I notice that Operation Oblivion kind of erases those nasty voices in my head and I am no longer saying to myself, "You idiot." "You lazy loser." "You're seflish." The bottom line that they are telling us is, "I am a better person than you." No they aren't. Far from it. I don't think anyone in my FOO, except grandmother who did volunteer, has ever done anything for anybody who needed them in their lives. I call them selfish. And I can.And they can't tell me they aren't because I won't be reading their posts or hearing their conversations. But they don't understand things like adoption and dog rescue because it is not something they have the hearts to do. My brother has helped his students, sometimes in my opinion in unhealthy ways outside of school, but I can not know that for a face. He did have a picture of himself and a close sixteen year old sudent that he sent to my father in a frame, as if they were a couple and it gave me an icky feeling, like maybe he had a crush on him. I do not believe anything bad happened, but I think he may have liked him more than he should have. Even my mother was upset about that. But...not my circus, not my monkey and I could be drawing the wrong conclusion, MUCH LIKE HE DID WITH ME.My capricious sister also thought it was weird, by the way. Yes, at the time, Sis thought it was very odd. I don't know or care about that now. I want to be clear--I don't believe my brother would have done anything wrong, even if he had fantasies in his mind. Coffee almost done. I have to work today. I will be back later, ladies. Have a good day, knowing you are GOOD and WHOLE and have been tricked by your abusers into thinking otherwise. Shoulders back/head high/chin up :) :notalone: [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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