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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661337" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>SWOT, the contrary was the case. I quit my job to go to her where she lived and help her and stayed 3 months away from my home and my family (pets and M.) I left to come home for the Christmas Holiday, and called her everyday. She denounced me as having abandoned her. One could say this was due to her already deteriorating condition and capacity.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, this was her personality. She had learned to not go there, because to manifest it cost her too much.</p><p></p><p>And I cannot stop remembering, she left her own parents to die alone. I, when I was 28, ended up taking off from work to go to my grandmother, who died of a heart attack in front of me. </p><p></p><p>Thank you SWOT. </p><p></p><p>The thing is I am back in bed, since I called my son on Thursday night. </p><p></p><p>He was in a foul and negative mood.</p><p></p><p>I seem absolutely unable to not suffer with him, if he is not with me, and I am not helping him. </p><p></p><p>But lately when he stays with me I get ill. Not just psychically distressed and hiding in my room. I do not want to go to my kitchen which happens to be part of a great room and central to the house. I lose my life when he is here. I as if lose my life when I feel guilty that he is suffering.</p><p></p><p>Nomad has a thread about what to do about GERD and stomach acid. And I force myself to remember that when he is here I feel as if somebody is pouring pure acid down my esophagus and it is traveling into my stomach. I was taking 4 times the Prilosec that was prescribed me and still suffering this way. It took months to get this under control. </p><p></p><p>The thing is, I am sick and tired of being in the bed and forfeiting my life. This is not a way to live. </p><p></p><p>I think I understand my psyche more than I have before thanks to this thread. What I do not know is how to change it in a way that is enduring, when I cannot and do not want to go no contact or oblivion with my own child.</p><p></p><p>I understand that is what I did 35 years ago with my Mother and my sister. And it worked. And when I again had a relationship with my mother with limits, this worked too.</p><p></p><p>The thing is that my son does not accept limits. And I guess I do not either, with him. Because I become flooded with self-condemnation and dread when he is distressed.</p><p></p><p>I do not know how to psychologically separate myself from my son's distress. I can do okay if I do not know about it. But if I know about it, if I hear his voice, I dissolve.</p><p></p><p>M wants to help my son. The idea is that we buy a fixer upper home to remodel. We compensate my son only for work done by allowing him to live in the space. If he does not work sufficient to pay for the designated rent, he pays. If this works with one property, the idea is to repeat it. In this way my son has a place to live, the expectation that he will be productive, he learns a trade, and he is involved in a project with a constructive goal and positive result.</p><p>And it is away from where I live. </p><p></p><p>There are mothers on this board, I know, who have changed in the way I need to. But they it seems have become okay with letting go of how their children live their life. I do not think I am able to do this. I cannot, it seems, let my son fall, and still tolerate it. </p><p></p><p>My son has suffered a great deal in these past couple of years where he has not had a safe haven. Up to this point, I think the learning from it has exceeded the costs of his suffering. But he has paid a real price. He has de-compensated. He stopped taking anti-virals for his liver. There is a point where the losses will accelerate I fear. I do not want this to happen.</p><p></p><p>My son wants to go to the new Big City, too. At first he didn't because of his fears about the apocalyptic event. It seems he told M that he wants to go. </p><p></p><p>This could be a solution. The city has a large population of Brazilians and portuguese speakers, the culture with which my son identifies. Like us, he likes big cities. This city could be a place he likes. (He hates the smallish city in which we live and there is nothing here for him.) </p><p></p><p>Thank you for your patience with me. It helps to write it all out.</p><p></p><p>SWOT and Cedar, you are both sounding so strong, each with such a sense of gratitude for your life, and what you have done with it. I am happy for you both.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661337, member: 18958"] SWOT, the contrary was the case. I quit my job to go to her where she lived and help her and stayed 3 months away from my home and my family (pets and M.) I left to come home for the Christmas Holiday, and called her everyday. She denounced me as having abandoned her. One could say this was due to her already deteriorating condition and capacity. But the thing is, this was her personality. She had learned to not go there, because to manifest it cost her too much. And I cannot stop remembering, she left her own parents to die alone. I, when I was 28, ended up taking off from work to go to my grandmother, who died of a heart attack in front of me. Thank you SWOT. The thing is I am back in bed, since I called my son on Thursday night. He was in a foul and negative mood. I seem absolutely unable to not suffer with him, if he is not with me, and I am not helping him. But lately when he stays with me I get ill. Not just psychically distressed and hiding in my room. I do not want to go to my kitchen which happens to be part of a great room and central to the house. I lose my life when he is here. I as if lose my life when I feel guilty that he is suffering. Nomad has a thread about what to do about GERD and stomach acid. And I force myself to remember that when he is here I feel as if somebody is pouring pure acid down my esophagus and it is traveling into my stomach. I was taking 4 times the Prilosec that was prescribed me and still suffering this way. It took months to get this under control. The thing is, I am sick and tired of being in the bed and forfeiting my life. This is not a way to live. I think I understand my psyche more than I have before thanks to this thread. What I do not know is how to change it in a way that is enduring, when I cannot and do not want to go no contact or oblivion with my own child. I understand that is what I did 35 years ago with my Mother and my sister. And it worked. And when I again had a relationship with my mother with limits, this worked too. The thing is that my son does not accept limits. And I guess I do not either, with him. Because I become flooded with self-condemnation and dread when he is distressed. I do not know how to psychologically separate myself from my son's distress. I can do okay if I do not know about it. But if I know about it, if I hear his voice, I dissolve. M wants to help my son. The idea is that we buy a fixer upper home to remodel. We compensate my son only for work done by allowing him to live in the space. If he does not work sufficient to pay for the designated rent, he pays. If this works with one property, the idea is to repeat it. In this way my son has a place to live, the expectation that he will be productive, he learns a trade, and he is involved in a project with a constructive goal and positive result. And it is away from where I live. There are mothers on this board, I know, who have changed in the way I need to. But they it seems have become okay with letting go of how their children live their life. I do not think I am able to do this. I cannot, it seems, let my son fall, and still tolerate it. My son has suffered a great deal in these past couple of years where he has not had a safe haven. Up to this point, I think the learning from it has exceeded the costs of his suffering. But he has paid a real price. He has de-compensated. He stopped taking anti-virals for his liver. There is a point where the losses will accelerate I fear. I do not want this to happen. My son wants to go to the new Big City, too. At first he didn't because of his fears about the apocalyptic event. It seems he told M that he wants to go. This could be a solution. The city has a large population of Brazilians and portuguese speakers, the culture with which my son identifies. Like us, he likes big cities. This city could be a place he likes. (He hates the smallish city in which we live and there is nothing here for him.) Thank you for your patience with me. It helps to write it all out. SWOT and Cedar, you are both sounding so strong, each with such a sense of gratitude for your life, and what you have done with it. I am happy for you both. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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