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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 661350" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Copa, we had a head start. In my case, I had several starts and setbacks because Sis would go (and things would get better) then she'd come back (and they'd go south because without a doubt s he'd get mad and call the cops and I'd be devastated). But it was still practice. You didn't have that. Plus I do love therapy and it has helped me tons. I don't expect everyone to go to therapy or to like it, but I guess it is good for ME. Also, I have no trouble take psychiatric medication to rid myself of the black hole I call depression. Without this medication, I'd be dead. I have no doubt about it. It does not change me. It makes my moods more stable, period. I am still myself. But all that is me, not you.</p><p></p><p>You will need to do what both Cedar and I did and that is to start to see the abusers in our lives (dead and alive) as truly who they were. At first you had this romantic story with your mother just because she allowed you to care for her when she was feeble and dying. She let you because it was for her benefit. It helps to take off the rose colored glasses and to see these people straight as WE see them. Our perception in life is our life, period. If others see your mother as God, then to them she is, but it has nothing to do with how she was to you or to how you see her. Hope you get what I mean.</p><p></p><p>Secondly, somehow, and this shocked me when I first read it, you MUST be able to remember that you and yoru son are two different people. His emotions should not be yours. Yours should not be his. I have four kids who I talk to almost every day. WHAT IF I HAD TO TAKE ON ALL THEIR EMOTIONS???? OY VEY, no? At certain times two of them can be sad and two can be on top of the world. What a bipolar mess I'd be...lol.</p><p></p><p>You don't go Operation Oblivion with your son. Your son is more important to you than "them" is to me and it isn't necessary. You don't even need to never let him come home for a few days or a night or meet him for dinner. It just means you have to learn ways to detach from his emotions. I learned in therapy and from self-help books.</p><p></p><p>Let me recommend one book you just have to read <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> It's called Codapendent No More by Melody Beattie. It is the starter book for many of us. Also start listening to tapes on detachment on YouTube. They are like therapy sessions really only you don't have to be there, really, and no answers are required and you are safe at home. I LOVE YOUTUBE.</p><p>I learn so much on everything and everyplace on YouTube.</p><p></p><p>Do not even think in terms of going Operation Oblivion on your son. You can only do that to people you truly never want to see agaian, but feel compelled to check up on. It is not for you or your son. Maybe itt would be good for you and your sister, but never think in terms of not seeing your son anymore. Take that pressure off of yourself. Do what feels right for you and your son. If something doesn't work out, it's not th e end of the world. It is a lesson learned. I never thought of going Operation Oblivion with my children, even Goneboy. As much as I don't think we could ever find any common ground, I never would have tossed him out. He did it. Remember that. I don't think any of us are interested in wiping our children out of our lives as we love them and could never do that.</p><p></p><p>What you probably could benefit from is learning to detach from your son's life and choices, not from him. Yes, it can be done. Read Codependent No More, please, if you have not.</p><p></p><p>Cyber-hugs and great thoughts.</p><p></p><p>SWOT</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 661350, member: 1550"] Copa, we had a head start. In my case, I had several starts and setbacks because Sis would go (and things would get better) then she'd come back (and they'd go south because without a doubt s he'd get mad and call the cops and I'd be devastated). But it was still practice. You didn't have that. Plus I do love therapy and it has helped me tons. I don't expect everyone to go to therapy or to like it, but I guess it is good for ME. Also, I have no trouble take psychiatric medication to rid myself of the black hole I call depression. Without this medication, I'd be dead. I have no doubt about it. It does not change me. It makes my moods more stable, period. I am still myself. But all that is me, not you. You will need to do what both Cedar and I did and that is to start to see the abusers in our lives (dead and alive) as truly who they were. At first you had this romantic story with your mother just because she allowed you to care for her when she was feeble and dying. She let you because it was for her benefit. It helps to take off the rose colored glasses and to see these people straight as WE see them. Our perception in life is our life, period. If others see your mother as God, then to them she is, but it has nothing to do with how she was to you or to how you see her. Hope you get what I mean. Secondly, somehow, and this shocked me when I first read it, you MUST be able to remember that you and yoru son are two different people. His emotions should not be yours. Yours should not be his. I have four kids who I talk to almost every day. WHAT IF I HAD TO TAKE ON ALL THEIR EMOTIONS???? OY VEY, no? At certain times two of them can be sad and two can be on top of the world. What a bipolar mess I'd be...lol. You don't go Operation Oblivion with your son. Your son is more important to you than "them" is to me and it isn't necessary. You don't even need to never let him come home for a few days or a night or meet him for dinner. It just means you have to learn ways to detach from his emotions. I learned in therapy and from self-help books. Let me recommend one book you just have to read ;) It's called Codapendent No More by Melody Beattie. It is the starter book for many of us. Also start listening to tapes on detachment on YouTube. They are like therapy sessions really only you don't have to be there, really, and no answers are required and you are safe at home. I LOVE YOUTUBE. I learn so much on everything and everyplace on YouTube. Do not even think in terms of going Operation Oblivion on your son. You can only do that to people you truly never want to see agaian, but feel compelled to check up on. It is not for you or your son. Maybe itt would be good for you and your sister, but never think in terms of not seeing your son anymore. Take that pressure off of yourself. Do what feels right for you and your son. If something doesn't work out, it's not th e end of the world. It is a lesson learned. I never thought of going Operation Oblivion with my children, even Goneboy. As much as I don't think we could ever find any common ground, I never would have tossed him out. He did it. Remember that. I don't think any of us are interested in wiping our children out of our lives as we love them and could never do that. What you probably could benefit from is learning to detach from your son's life and choices, not from him. Yes, it can be done. Read Codependent No More, please, if you have not. Cyber-hugs and great thoughts. SWOT [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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